What We Are
by StarlightNights
Summary: Bella, Edward and Jacob are neighbors and best friends growing up in a small town learning about love and life and keeping secrets, until a tragic accident occurs that turns their lives upside down. (Rated M for drug use, sexual references and violence)
1. Prologue: I Don't Want to Remember

**Prologue**

**I Just Don't Want To Remember**

They say you can never go home. I used to think that was true. I thought, like most people, that after leaving I would never come back. But I, like most people, was wrong.

I guess everyone always goes home at least once. And if they don't, they really should. Maybe not to stay. Maybe just for a quick visit to see if it's still the same and reminisce of the days that shaped us into who we eventually became. But eventually, we all need to go home. And as much as I don't want to be, that's where I am now. Home.

The neighborhood hasn't changed much. I can still see the window looking into my old bedroom from the backyard. The same window I had sneaked in and out of so many times before. The tire swing I used to play in still hangs from the old Maple that I had used as a ladder to and from my window. The trusty old tree house still stood next door. All the houses in the neighborhood look the same as the day I left, even if it was over eight years ago. But the physical appearance isn't what has me captivated. It's how strong the memories are now that I'm here, sitting in the old tire swinging on the fraying rope, listening to the creaking as I slowly sway, the spring breeze blowing my hair into my face.

In my lap I hold a medium sized box. I grip the edges of the box tightly, my knuckles turning white. This box holds memories of my old life, my life as Bella Swan; my father's old records, my mother's jewelry, the old photo albums. I can't bring myself up to flip through the pages of the albums. I don't want to see it. All the faces that I'll never be able to see again. And in this moment I don't think I need them. I can almost see everything play in my mind again, like a movie, just like it all happened yesterday; the voices, the laughter, the screams. All the things I had worked so hard to forget about and put behind me are now creeping back up on me. But it's time to face my past demons and move on with my life. I can't dwell in the past any longer.

He's standing behind me. I can feel him. Just watching me. Waiting nervously until I'm ready to leave. I know it's hard for him to be back. To be so close to everything he prays to forget every night. I told him he didn't have to come but he did anyway. He wants to face the demons too. Because after today, we have no reason to come back. We'll be free from everything but the memories.

It was the summer of 2000, right before the start of my senior year of high school that changed my life forever. But before I get into that I guess I should start earlier than that.

I was born and raised in Forks, a small Washington town. The city was divided into two sections, the extravagant half where all the well off people lived. Then there was the other section, the one where I lived. It wasn't anything impressive. Everyone there had just enough to get by, most of the time. I lived next door to the Blackwell house. Long after the Blackwell's left the house the name stuck.

In every neighborhood there is always that one house. The house that legends are made of. The Blackwell house is that house. There were stories told about that house. In the seventies a man hung himself from the rafters and no one knew about it for days. Children dared one another to spend the night and no one ever made it, claiming ghostly figures and spooky sounds. I spent a good portion of my childhood in that home and didn't see any signs of a haunting, but that's what the power of suggestion does to people. The house transferred from person to person before the Masen's finally moved in.

The Mason's moved in the winter before I was born. There was a lot of mystery that followed that family for many different reasons. The Mason's had a lot of children that came and went, they were foster parents. Edward was their only natural born child and his birthday was exactly a week before mine. Our mother's were pregnant together and they bonded over that. I spent half of my childhood with Edward at my place and the other half over at his. Most of the foster children were temporary, coming and going so quickly that I barely even learned their name before they were gone again. But there were a few that stood out to me, not enough to make much of an impression or feel the need to keep in touch. And then came Jacob Black. His mother had passed away while he was very young and his father had been in a horrible car accident that left him immobile. His father struggled with the loss of his wife and job and his confinment to a wheelchair and he turned to a lifestyle that involved more drinking and drugs than it did caring for Jake. So at five years old he was placed in foster care with the Masen's. He spent some time visiting his father and there was always hope that he would go back but as he grew older it didn't seem like that was a possibility, his father just couldn't get his life back on track. Not that living with the Masen's was any better at all.

My family photo albums were filled with pictures of me and Edward bathing together, playing outside in the old tire swing or just goofing off together. Since I didn't have siblings he became my brother and I being the only child in his life that stayed constant, became his sister. Because our birthdays fell so close together we liked to pretend we were twins, even if we didn't look alike. And when Jake came along, he became our third twin, even if he looked even less like us. But as we grew up we learned everything about each other. We were more than just childhood friends. We were family. We were there through thick and thin and nothing was going to change that, or so we thought.

I remember Edward holding me while I cried after another neighborhood boy ripped the head off of my teddy bear, Charlotte, when we were four. Edward had been my first kiss. The three of us were playing in my backyard in the old tire swing from the old Maple when we were six and I just marched right up to him and kissed him. Jacob teased us about it for years. Edward was so mad at me he didn't talk to me for four days. And the only way I got him to talk to me again was to agree to kiss Jacob too, so I had. When we were seven I was the one that called an ambulance when Edward fell out of the maple tree got a concussion and broke his right leg. The following day he was released from the hospital and we all decorated the cast for him, plastering it with pictures and our favorite song lyrics. I remember the first girl Jacob asked out in the school yard in fifth grade, Angela Webber, turned him down in front of her group of friends along with several nasty words. When he ran off, holding back the tears, I punched her. Sure I got in trouble, but it was worth it. Later on that year we all shared one of Mr. Masen's cigarettes and we've been smoking on and off ever since, never getting caught once. In sixth grade they helped me bleach my hair blonde. My parents through a fit and it was dyed back to its original brown color. But I protested by cuting all my hair off, it was ugly and choppy and looked horrible. Edward and Jacob helped me to even it out after my parents finally realized there was no holding me back. I was determined to get what I wanted and they learned to trust me on it. In seventh grade they helped me out when my parents divorced. In eight grade when Bobbie Hart broke up with me, they both showed up at my front door as soon as I told them with a pint of vanilla ice cream and threw me a pity party better than any girl friend would have. They were there for me though my parents divorce and custody battle. And in freshmen year they cried with me at my grandfather's funeral.

But when we hit high school things started to change. They started to see me as a woman instead of just one of the guys. I had develped breasts that despite being only average in size they couldn't tear their eyes off of. I had curves in the right places. And was blessed with a good complexion and smooth, plae skin that rarely showed a blemish at all but despite my best efforts in my youth it never held a tan. They grew up well too. Edward was tall and had a well defined athletic build. His hair was a mess of copper, but in a good way. He had the same place skin tone as me that also rarely ever got a pimple. Jake kept his Native Americna tanned skin that I was envious of and he was average height but he filled out his clothes with very defined muscles.

Sometimes it got a little awkward but it didn't keep us from being the three twins. We were still as inseperable as ever. But we didn't just change physically. Things started to feel different. Not just like we had passed a big milestone and made it to high school, things just didn't feel the same anymore. There was a lot of mystery to life then. But I just shrugged it off and went on with my life. No use dwelling on things was there?

As life got more complicated for us we acted out. Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. But we were hardly ever cought. There was a party to go to every weekend, and we made our own every weekday. We were always sneaking out and around. I don't know if it was because we always had to or if it just made things more fun and exciting that way. Edward always was the wildest. The three of us went to the same parties, Jacob and I drank and smoked as much as Edward did. Did the same drugs. Or at least we thought so. He always did disappear after the first hour of a party only to reappear before dawn the next day back in his own bed. He never really told us what he had been doing, but we had a pretty good idea. Jacob and me still managed to have fun though. It was different without Edward always there, but who were we to stop him from having his fun? And we could have just as good of a time without him. But sometimes it was more of just routine, more of just going through the motions than actually having fun. I guess I should have known more of what was going on. Maybe on some level I did, I was just too stupid to admit it. I didn't want to have to know about it. I didn't want to have to deal with it. I wanted to keep on partying and having a good time. I didn't want anything to bring me down, even if I already was there.

None of us were particularly good in school. We weren't stupid or anything. We just didn't care. There was so much more to life than paying attention in class, doing homework, studying and getting good grades. There were parties to go to, alcohol to be consumed, drugs to be taken. It's not like we were bad kids. Just caused minor mischief, maybe sometimes a little more. But that didn't make us bad kids. We were average teenagers leading average teenage lives, full of experimentation and rebellion. And school just didn't seem too important at the time. Looking back, it still doesn't. Maybe I'll never mature. But I like it that way. Life is so much more fun. Don't look back. Never regret anything. Just let life happen and go with it. No matter how hard it may be to do.

I waitressed at the neighborhood restaurant in my spare time. The pay was shit, but the tips were usually pretty decent. Half of my money went to helping my father pay bills. And what was left over was mostly saved for my emergency fund. Most kids would call it a college fund, but I didn't see that in my future. But I did see needing a stash of cash for an emergency situation.

But things have changed since then. I'm no longer that girl anymore. But isn't that supposed to happen to everyone? We all grow up and change. It's a nice theory, but I don't believe it. I've known too many people incapable of changing. Sadly they never make it very far. But I welcome change at every change I get. You need to if you want to survive. You need to change just like to need to go home.


	2. 01: Better Days Gone By

**Chapter 1**  
**Better Days Gone By**

I was torn as I slowly swung on the tire swing of my youth; I should stay and say my goodbyes the right way but I wanted to leave so badly. The memories were too harsh. Being here just made them come back so strong. And I didn't want to remember any of it. I didn't want to remember how all of this started. I don't want to relieve the journey of how I became who I am. They already haunted my dreams, I didn't want to remember them during my waking hours either.

I didn't want to remember why we all became who we are.

XXXXXXX

I sat tapping my pencil impatiently on the desktop. I had finished my last final nearly an hour ago. There was a minute left on the clock. The seconds ticking by seemed to last for hours. The shrill ring of the bell announced the official end to my junior year. I left my answer sheet to my English final on my desk and hurried out the door. By the time I arrived at my locker Edward and Jacob were already waiting for me. "How did your finals go?" Edward asked putting an arm around my shoulders. The look of disgust on my face was enough of an answer for him as they both laughed.

"You?" I asked looking at the boys as we walked down the hall towards the parking lot.

"Probably worse than you," Jacob answered for the both of them as he put his arm around my waist. The second we left the building I pulled out my pack of Marlboros, put one between my lips and lit it. The boys stared at me eyebrows raised. "What?" I shrugged inhaling deeply. "It's not like they can suspend me or anything."

"There's always summer school," Edward sighed, putting his hands in his pockets. I stopped dead in my tracks and turned to face him.

"No," I cried. The grim look on his face only confirmed my suspicions. "Say it ain't so, Eddie!" I threw myself at him and pulled him in for a suffocating pity hug.

"Yeah," he sighed as I let him go. A somber mood set over us. We knew that his failing a class would cause a lot of problems. But we wouldn't address it, especially in public. Some things were better left unsaid. No one needed a reminder of how bad things really where behind closed doors. So we moved on and pretended like those problems didn't exist. Like we always do. "But it sounds like you and Jacob escape the evils of a summer wasted in school."

"I might not have to go to school," I shrugged finishing up my cigarette and carelessly flicking it away. "But I've got a job. I'll be working full time to save up enough money to get the hell out of this place."

"I work too," Jacob agreed, leaning against my car. "I'm expected at the shop every day."

"I work with you." Edward glared, shaking his head. "And now, I've got to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to get to class, which means I'm going to have homework. Plus, I've still got to work." Jacob and I let him rant. He deserved it. And we knew that the fear was building up inside of him. He wasn't afraid of being a failure. He was afraid of the things that the failure inevitably brought. The punishment involved.

"Sucks to be you," Jacob shrugged, trying to make the heavy situation more casual almost as if it didn't matter. But we all knew better. Adults always tried to teach us that these were the best days of our lives, but if that were true we were in some deep shit in a few years.

After a long, rather awkward pause I continued with the conversation. "What are you in for?" I asked curiously as I dug through my purse in search of my keys.

"Geometry." He shrugged. "What else? Good ole Master Bator."

"Mr. Bator always was an asshole," I said unlocking the door. I had Mr. Bator for Geometry my sophomore year. I don't know how I had passed. He never actually taught us anything. He told us to read the next section of the chapter and do the assignment in the book for homework. The next day he would quiz us on what we were supposed to have magically learned ourselves. And the bastard didn't even believe in grading on a curve. That may or may not have been such a good thing for that class. And at least once a class period (though it was often more), just to be an ass, he would randomly call on a person drag them up to the board, give them a problem and have them explain to the class how to do it. Thank God, I had Jacob in class with me. He sat front row center, myself beside him, and when it was my turn to go up to the board he would flip through the pages of the text book and silently mouth how to do the problem. And when it came to be his turn, I did the same for him. Maybe that's why I had passed. I had Jacob to help me cheat. But since Edward had scored so poorly in math his entire life he had to take a remedial class, thus having to suffer through Algebra and Geometry on his own a year behind me and his brother.

"And you think he'd be used to the masturbation comments by now, Jacob chuckled.

"Yeah. But you know what would make you feel better?" I smiled as we all piled in my car. They looked at me curiously, wondering just what my mind would come up with. "A barbecue. It's not summer until we've held the annual bonfire." I laughed, putting the key in the ignition and turning it. There was the sputtering of the engine then nothing. I tried again. Nothing. "Damn this piece of shit!" I shouted slamming my head against the steering wheel and whining. We piled out of the car and looked under the hood. I don't know why I did it. I know nothing about cars. That's Jacob's area of expertise. His birth father hadn't given him much, but he did teach him a hell of a lot about cars. And Mr. Masen was the local mechanic, so both boys knew a lot about cars. Even if he was the local mechanic he was sometimes unreliable enough for people to travel to another city and pay a lot more to get their cars fixed. I lit another cigarette and puffed as I watched Jacob poke around.

A moment later there was a sharp whistle from behind me. I already knew who it was, Mike Newton, with his lackeys laughing with him. I spun around slowly and glared at him. Must be nice, varsity football player in his shiny new red mustang convertible that mommy and daddy bought for him for Christmas. He winked at me and blew me a kiss. I didn't bother with people like that: cocky, arrogant and just plain assholes. I simply flipped him off and flicked my smoldering cigarette butt easily into his car. "I hope his car explodes with him in it." I muttered to myself.

"So do I," Edward agreed. "Actually, I'd rather have him explode and take his car. Spontaneous combustion doesn't happen as often as it should around here." He did have a point. He could use a car. And I could use a new one. The Masen's only had one car that Mr. Masen used. Mrs. Masen always walked, got a ride, a cab or a bus to wherever she needed to get without Mr. Masen. And my car was my grandfather's old gold Buick. The 'b' and 'u' had fallen of the logo. That was how it earned its name, "The Ick", and the name fit well with the look. It was over fifteen years old, decorated with dents and scratches and was rusting terribly with enough mileage to make you wonder how it still ran, when it would. I would have sold it and used the money to buy another more decent car, but the only form of transportation I would be able to afford with what I'd have gotten would have been a bus pass.

"Batteries dead," Jake announced as he wrapped his arms around me and rested his head on my shoulder. We weren't a couple. We just acted like it sometimes, more like a lot. But that doesn't matter. "Emmett is going to help me fix it."

"I got it," Edward said jumping off the fender. "You two continue to canoodle or whatever." Edward always jumped at the chance to work on cars, trying to prove he could do it just as much as Jacob. Since his father spent most of his time with Jacob instead of him. He played favorites with the fosters, especially Jacob since he already had good knowledge of cars before coming to them. We never really knew why Mr. Masen didn't seem to like Edward, we just figured out he didn't. But Edward didn't take it to heart, neither Jacob when it was his time.

"Good," I sighed, leaning against him. "The Ick lives another day." Me and Jacob sat on the bumper and talked. Surprisingly the bumper had been able to hold out weight and not fall off like I almost expected it to since the rest of the car seemed to be falling apart.

Fifteen minutes later Jacob and our buddy Emmett had the car running, at least temporarily. "Thanks, Em."

"No problem." He grinned. "You guys going to the bonfire?"

"We've gone every year," Edward answered.

"Yeah." Emmett nodded, his bright eyes gleaming. "Think you can score some extra beverages from your dad's supply?" he asked the boys.

None of us said anything for a minute until I jumped in. "I'll get it." The three of them looked at me with questioning glances. "God gave women breasts for a reason." After their laughter died down I told him we'd meet him at the lot. Edward, Jacob and I had got into The Ick and drove to the gas station. "Be right back, kiddies." I winked and sauntered into the liquor store.

Ten minutes later I got back into the car with two bottles of tequila, a bottle of vodka and a case of beer. "Emmett just wanted a few extra drinks just in case." Edward shook his head. But knowing how me and my friends drink, we'd need it. "How'd you pull that off anyway?" He asked as I started the car.

"You see that guy behind the counter." I pointed through the gas station window and he nodded. "He is under the impression that the phone number I gave him is real and that when he calls it, I'll answer then rush to his place and have hot, wild, kinky sex with him."

"Since I know your real number…If I call it, will you rush over to my place and have hot, wild, kinky sex with me?" Jacob questioned.

"Hmmm." I furrowed my brow deep in fake thought. "Maybe," I teased with a wink.

"Alright!," he cheered. "And now off for food, alcohol and fire."

"Arson always was my favorite crime." I nodded, pulling out into the street.

"Yes, you always were my favorite little pyromaniac." Jacob said, patting my head from behind.

"I'm not a pyro," I whined, glaring at him through my mirror. "And if I remember correctly, you were the one that almost burnt down their house." Jacob looked to the floor and shook his head in embarrassment while the car roared with our laughter. He didn't even bother to defend himself. We all had heard it a million times before. We didn't need to be reminded of his version. We had our own version that wasn't a lie, thank you very much. It was a simple boring story of him falling asleep with a lit cigarette in his hand. A small patch of his carpet had caught fire but luckily Edward had climbed back into the window just in time to extinguish it and hide the scorch mark with their dresser. "And this bonfire is for a good cause."

"Yes, we all need to do our part to help along global warming," Edward teased.

"If you don't watch it, I'm going to make you walk to the lot," I warned. Jacob laughed and I turned to him. "The same goes for you." The remainder of the five-minute drive was spent in silence.

This was the sixth bonfire I had been to. For the past five years it had been held in what we called the lot, a plot of land that Emmett's parents owned. No one really remembers when the first bonfire was. It's been going on for years as a celebration for the end of the school year. The location changed frequently but the lot was perfect. It was big and far enough away that the noise never bothered anyone, the only people close enough to hear us were his parents and they didn't care. Emmett's parents Dan and Deb were old hippies that never let go of the 60s with two children that had grown up to be just like them, Emmett and his younger sister, Alice. And even after catching Emmett in bed with his girlfriend Rosalie they only smiled and expressed their pleasure that young people like us were sharing their love so beautifully. Occasionally they would even join us around the fire at a weekend party and pass around a joint.

When we arrived at the lot Emmett already had the fire. Edward smiled, running over to the crowd, Jacob and I trailing behind as we took our time. There was a sort of ritual to it that we followed. It always started with the seniors, burning the last remaining remnants of their High School careers. Some of them made speeches, but most of them just enjoyed watching their projects, homework, tests, notebooks, pencils, anything they wanted to get rid of burn, especially backpacks; it was the symbol of the freedom from the school. I can't wait until it's me standing over the dancing flames bidding my final farewell to High School life, except for graduation of course. After the seniors finished everyone hurled their belongings into the fire recklessly, the flames growing hotter and higher as they destroyed the remains from the past school year.

Edward, Jacob and myself waited until everyone had cleared away from the fire before we started our own ritual of burning the book from our most hated class of the year. A book that we ripped off of someone that we didn't like from our class so we wouldn't have to pay for it. And as usual I chose math. Jacob held out his American History book and Edward held out a Geometry book. Edward pulled a black Sharpie from his pocket and scribbled obscenities all over the front of his textbook. I grabbed it from him and drew Mr. Bator on the back, since I was the most artistic of the three of us, so we could burn him in effigy. Edward looked at the picture I had drawn which strangely resembled a frog, I think it was the thick glasses, and grimaced. "I can't believe I have to put up with him for the rest of the summer too."

"I'm sorry." I said putting one arm around his shoulder. "If you need help. Don't ask me." I shook my head. "Or Jacob, we're not smart enough." Edward laughed then threw the book into the flames, watching it burn with a smile of satisfaction. "What time are you expected home?" I asked as the books were nothing more than three more piles of ash.

"Mom probably wanted us home an hour ago." Edward shrugged. "But it's Friday night, Dad will come home late."

"And wasted." Jacob added quietly as he put his arm around my shoulder. "So no worries. What about you? When's your curfew?"

"I haven't had a curfew since the eighth grade," I scoffed. "You know the rules, as long as I don't get into any legal troubles, they don't care what I do anymore. So, let's go get deliriously drunk and not go home until the sun comes up!" I shouted as we ran towards the collection of coolers in the shed.

"I thank you for your contribution." Emmett said approaching us and hugging me.

"Anytime." I smiled messing up his short dark curls as Jacob handed me a beer.

As the early hours of the morning approached there was just a handful of us still around the bonfire talking. Edward had disappeared after the sun had set, as usual, and Dan and Deb had already made their appearance but left to go meditate. Me and Alice, were sitting by ourselves in the grass having a discussion about anything that wasn't important as we ripped up the grass and threw it into the fire. "Would you rather drown in a giant pool of pudding or be killed by a wild attacking ostrich?" Alice asked while she passed me the joint we were sharing.

"I'm going to go with ostrich." I nodded, inhaling deeply, letting the drug slowly take its effect. "It just sounds cooler. Who gets killed by an ostrich?" I laughed. "If you knew you had three days left to live what would you do?"

"Ummm." She bit her lip and furrowed her eyebrow. "Kill myself." She nodded slowly. "I don't want to have to go through the hassle of goodbye's and shit. If I'm gonna die, I might as well die," she reasoned. "If you were given the chance to learn the date and how you died, would you want to know?"

"Nope." I shook my head and lied back in the grass to look up at the stars. "I like surprises. And I don't want to live my life in fear of that day and shit. I just want to live and actually live, y'know?" It made sense in my head. Who knows if my logic pertains to the rest of the world?

"Yeah," she sighed and lied beside me. "I know." I don't know why every question we were asking today had to do with death. Generally they were your average bullshit questions but today, I guess we just had more serious things on our minds. Jacob came over, squatted beside me and took the joint from my mouth and inhaled deeply.

"Hey!" I pouted and reached for it.

"Care to join me in Em's room? I have gained his permission." He smiled and kicked my shoe. No, we still weren't a couple. We're just really close friends that enjoy each other's very close company frequently.

"Just because you're a freak and weed is an aphrodisiac to you, doesn't mean it is to me too," I replied glaring at him as Alice laughed. She is a believer of fate and all that cosmic stuff. She thinks that me and Jacob are meant to be and finds our no relationships rule hilarious. I guess it is funny to everyone, we really don't date other people too much and always end up together by the end of a party. Just like all of our friends in relationships.

"Come on," he whined as he sat next to me and stuck out his bottom lip. "It's the bonfire. Sex is like a tradition. Speaking of sex, Emmett's looking for you Al."

"He's my brother!" she shouted at him.

"Whatever makes you happy. I'm not one to judge." Jacob smirked.

"You're such an ass!" Alice rolled her eyes and stood, playfully kicking Jacob as she walked past and I grabbed her leg and held on tightly. "No, Ali! Stay with me!" I looked up at her and gave her my best puppy dog pout. Unfortunately, it never worked on her.

"Sorry." She shrugged and shook me from her leg. "And you two are going to want your privacy anyway."

"I hate you!" I shouted after her.

"Yeah. I love you too!" she yelled over her shoulder as she raced to find Emmett.

"So…" Jacob said returning my joint. "What do you say?"

"I want a marshmallow. Roast me a marshmallow?" I said leaning my head on his shoulder. "Ooh, make it a s'more. And something to drink."

He rolled his eyes and sighed heavily. "Anything for you, babe." He kissed the top of my head and left me. I lied back in the grass and looked up. It was a clear night, not a cloud littering the sky. I took the occasional hit as I watched the sky in fascination and tried to remember all the constellations I had taught myself in fourth grade. I used to love watching the stars, they were so beautiful, so mystical, so far away. I haven't looked at the stars in years. You don't have time for things like that when life hits you. Most people can wait until after they graduate high school to face the harsh reality that is life. Not me or the boys. We were jaded years earlier than that and had grown up to be damaged adults in need of more therapy than we will be able to get. If we ever admitted that we needed help.

I had forgotten about the party until Jacob came back and shoved a perfectly made s'more and a bottle of tequila in my face. "Thank you! I love you, Jake." I said graciously accepting them as I sat up. "What time is it?" I asked nibbling on the corner of gram cracker.

Jacob took a drink of the tequila and glanced at his watch. "Four." He sighed as he draped an arm around my shoulders. "What time are we leaving?"

"Whenever we find Edward and declare the party officially over," I said taking the tequila from him.

"Edward will find his own way home like always," he said, stealing my s'more and taking a big bite of it. I whimpered as he handed it back to me, half gone in one bite. "You were eating too slow."

"And you think that's going to make me want to sleep with you?" I shook my head and finished off my s'more.

"You know you want it." He smiled. "Don't deny it. You can't resist The Jake."

I rolled my eyes and laughed. "The Jake, is easy to resist. Especially when he steals my food." I pushed him away and quickly got up and ran. He soon followed and chased me all over the lot until he was finally tackled me. I rolled over and he got on top of me, straddling me. He smirked devilishly and pinned my hands to my sides before he kissed me. I always loved kissing him. He made me feel safe. "I don't think we should do this here. In front of all these people." I laughed after he pulled away and nodded my head towards the fire surrounded by people within hearing distance of us, all looking at us curiously.

"They look like they could use a good show." He cocked his eyebrow.

"And I could use more to drink." I laughed as he finally let go of my hands. "You broke the bottle." I pouted and picked up a piece of broken glass.

"There's plenty of time for that later." He stood up and held out his hand.

"Promise?" I asked throwing away the glass and accepting his hand.

"Promise." He smiled and helped me up. As soon as I was on my feet, he lifted me into his arms.

As he started walking towards the house I looked behind us and saw everyone watching. "Later, guys." I laughed and waved before I wrapped my arms around Jacob's neck.


	3. 02: In A Dream

**Chapter 2**

**All You Want To Be Is In a Dream**

I close my eyes and gently sway on the fraying rope. I'm sure it's only seconds away from snapping but I'll take my chances. I've put myself at bigger risks before.

Those high school years are supposed to be the best years of your life. But I can't agree to that. Those days for me aren't looked on too fondly. Too much going on. Too much still going on but it's getting better. Day by day it's getting better. I'm convinced that the best days of my life are just starting. At least that's the hope.

XXXXXXX

Jacob and I stumbled back into our houses just before 6 am the following morning. I managed to get an hour of sleep before getting up to go to work, still a little drunk. I worked for two hours before the hangover kicked in. The rest of my shift seemed to last forever but by the time I was heading home my hangover was gone. But I was looking forward to getting another one. In a small town like this there wasn't much else to do.

I watched the clock in boredom. Charlie doesn't try for family time very often but when he does its about dinner or sports. I couldn't give two shits about the baseball game I was watching but I tried for his sake. At least he's trying, which is more than I can say for some people out there. But I could only take so much before I made my excuses about being tired, which isn't really a lie and I went to my room. I changed out of my comfortable clothes and put on something more fitting for a party. I lied in bed with the lights off and simply waited.

I glanced at my clock, I don't know why. It's not like we ever have a set time for anything. We just live life moment by moment. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know someone was lying on top of me, hand covering my nose and mouth. I didn't bother to open my eyes, I had a pretty good idea of who it was anyway, I just bit his palm and waited.

"Fuck!" Jacob cursed, jumping off the bed, shaking his hand violently. "What was that for?"

I shrugged and smiled sweetly. "I needed to breathe."

"But did you have to fucking bite me?" he whined, massaging his palm.

"Sorry." I smiled sweetly as he crawled back into bed with me.

"It hurt." He pouted. I love his pout. It's just too cute. I sat up and grabbed his hand, kissing where I found my lipstick ring and jumped out of bed.

Jacob grabbed my arm and turned me around. His hands settled on my hips and pulled me down to him, my hips colliding against his as I straddled him. "That's not going to make up for it." He smirked, his lips brushing up against mine, teasing me.

"What would make up for it?" But the question is moot. I know what he wants. It's what he always wants. And what I'm usually willing to give. Sex.

He doesn't answer me. And why would he? He simply crawls onto the bed, grin plastered on his face until his lips meet mine. His hand gently runs across my stomach and I pull away. "I don't think…" But he stops me with his lips. It's hard to resist but I pull away again. "We have a party to get to." I said softly, trying to resist the temptation as his hands wandered up my back, bringing me closer to him.

"Fuck the party." He whispered, lying back on my bed, pulling me with him as he caught my lips with his. And the next thing I know my shirt is already on the floor and Jacob is unzipping my pants.

"No," I gasped, pulling myself away from him, gasping for air. "My dad is home." But he already knew that. It's not the first time he's been in my bedroom after night fall. And I'm pretty sure Charlie chooses to remain oblivious to my extracurricular activities.

"What?" He smirks, his hand still wandering across my torso. "Afraid you won't be able to keep quiet?"

I throw my head back and laugh lightly as I poke him in the stomach. "Don't give yourself that much credit." He sniffles and puts on his pout again. "What about the party."

"It can wait," he says, sniffling as he continues to fake pout.

I roll my eyes and sigh. "Come here." He smiles once again before I grab his face and kiss him again. His shirt is quickly on the floor before his fingers tangled themselves in my hair as I worked to unbuckle his belt. But before we could go any farther there was a thud followed by cursing.

"What's taking you guys so long? We've got a p-Shit!" Edward exclaimed, jumping to his feet and clasping his hands over his mouth.

"Shhh!" I hushed him and threw a pillow at him and give him a death glare.

"Sorry." Edward smirked. "I didn't mean to interrupt. I'll just leave you two alone. I can get to the party by myself. No need to worry about me."

"We were just getting ready to leave." I explained sitting up and throwing my shirt back on.

"But…" Jacob protested.

"Come on." I fixed my hair and pulled him off the bed before all three of us climbed out my window. Edward pulled out a pack of cigarettes and put one between his lips.

"Where are we going?" I asked, taking the cigarette from Edward and inhaled deeply.

"The lot." Jacob shrugged, taking the cigarette from me.

"But that's a long walk," I complained.

"Well, we could have always waited. I had something in mind to entertain you."

"Shut up!" I pushed him out into the street. I could feel the rosy blush creep onto my cheeks.

"You don't have to be so secretive about it. Just say it. I know you guys fuck. Everybody knows you guys fuck." Edward shrugged, taking his cigarette back. "And it's not like that's the first time I've walked in on you."

"What?" Me and Jacob both shouted, staring at Edward.

"I do share a room with him. And I couldn't help but notice when a sleeping bag and box of condoms were stashed in the tree house. Thanks by the way, that's been helpful. I don't know how our parents never found out and murdered you two already. It's the worst kept secret ever."

"I think Mom knows." Jacob shrugged.

"What? How?" I whined. My eyes grow wide and I look at him, begging him to explain as the blush returned. I would never be able to look at Mrs. Masen again.

He bit his lip and placed his hands in his pockets. "We had a very uncomfortable talk about sex last week, in which she reminded me how babies are made and I better not bring one home until I'm married," there was a short pause. "And she also wanted to remind me that sinners burn in hell." We all laughed for a moment. "I'm going to hell!" He shouted.

"We're all going to hell." Edward added. Which is a true statement. I can't think of a single person who hasn't broken a commandment or ten. But what is hell anyway? The fire and brimstone they preach about in church? That sounds like a picnic compared to life. "Why don't you guys just get married and make everyone happy?" Edward asked.

"Edward!" I shouted and kicked him lightly. "We're just friends," I reminded him. "We have a no dating contract."

"I said get married. I said nothing about dating. You guys have been together your entire lives and that's the way it's going to stay."

I ignored him and let a minute pass by in silence before I rest my head on Jacob's shoulder. "I have a headache."

He kisses the top of my head. "I do too."

"Me too." Edward nods.

"That's weird," I comment.

"Why?" Edward shrugs. "Look at what our lives have become." He didn't need to explain anything further. We had all seen our share of shit. And sometimes I wonder how we even survived some of it.

The rest of the walk to the lot is spent goofing off and as soon as we get there Edward quickly ran off and disappeared. Jacob and I sat around the fire drinking and talking with everyone else as we passed around a joint. And this wasn't just any joint. It was one of Dan and Deb's special ones. Home grown in the flower pots in their bedroom window.

An hour later Emmett decided to start a drinking contest and Jacob and I quickly agree along with a few other people around the bonfire. We make our way to the shed to find Edward and Jasper, paranoia shining through their glossy bloodshot eyes, joint in Edward's hand. "My turn." I smiled, kissing Edward on the cheek as I stole his joint.

"Hey!" Jasper shouted. "What's going on?"

"Drinking contest." Emmett announced and they both decided to join.

After over an hour, several shots, a pack of cigarettes and a joint later we were all feeling pretty good. Jacob had quit doing shots a little while ago, he thought it would be a good idea for some reason, but at the time, I couldn't think of a single thing I liked more than getting trashed. Well, other than Edward and Jacob. Emmett left to go find Rosalie and Edward and Jasper had 'somewhere else they needed to be' so me and Jacob were left alone in the shed.

"Did you ever think this would be us?" I asked, resting my head on the table after taking of shot of…I'm not even sure of what I'm drinking anymore.

"What?" Jacob asked, lighting up another cigarette.

"When we were younger, did you ever think we would turn out this way?"

"No." He shook his head, rubbing my back gently. "Mom raised us to be good little Christian boys." He chuckled in amusement. "Be nice and tolerant. Do good in school. No offensive music. Church every Sunday morning in our best clothes. Don't drink or do drugs. No premarital sex." He winked at me. "I've broken every single one of those. Edward and all the other's too." He shook his head and laughed, but not because it was funny. "What about you?"

"I thought I was perfect and I was going to save the world." I laughed. "My dad had-has this dream for me to become a doctor. I always thought I'd do that. Save the world one patient at a time." I rolled my eyes. "I lost those ambitions a long time ago. No one can save the world, least of all me. Now I'm surprised every morning that I still wake and survive another day." I poured myself another shot and quickly drank. "And my mom, she's too busy with her things to think about me much anymore. She's got Phil," I spat out his name in disgust. My feelings on him were well known by the boys and my mother as well. But she doesn't like to hear about it. She would rather believe him than her own daughter. "Do you regret it?"

Jacob furrowed his eyebrows and stared at me. "Regret what?"

"Who you've become?"

Jacob exhaled slowly, thinking deeply. "I don't know. Sometimes."

"What happened to us?" I asked, closing my eyes. I had too much to drink.

He stopped rubbing my back and I hear him sigh. "Life." 

"When did it all get so fucked up?" I shouted angrily, eyes still closed. I was dangerously close to crying. I've had way too much to drink. Normally I'm much more cheery than this while drunk. "Why couldn't we stay those naive people with hopes and dreams and ambitions? That loved life? Followed the rules? Were happy? People who had good things happen to them instead of this shit life!"

"No one stays that way, baby doll." Jacob sighed. "Everyone has some shit somewhere."

I drank another shot of tequila and slammed down my glass. "Why?" I'm not one to have outbursts like this. I'm usually forced to be the strong one. And why wouldn't I be? Why force Jacob to be strong? His life sucks worse than mine does. "And most of their shit isn't like our shit!"

"I don't know, baby doll." He put his arm around me and I rested my head on his shoulder. 

"I miss it," I state simply, opening my eyes again.

"Miss what?"

"Being happy."

"Me too." He kissed the top of my head and extinguished his cigarette. "Let's get out of here." He said, I nodded and poured myself one more drink before he helped me stand. I stepped out of the shed, forgetting about the drop and I fell. Hard.

"Oww." I whined, rubbing the spot where my hip hit the ground while Jacob helped me to my feet.

"Bella!" I hear a voice call me and I look to find Alice running up to me, followed closely by Rosalie. I guess Emmett hadn't found her yet.

"Alice!" I shout and hug her tightly.

"It's Drunk Bella!" she shouted excitedly. "She is so much fun!"

"Sorry but Drunk Bella has to get home," Jacob said wrapping his arms around my waist to keep me from falling.

Alice stuck out her bottom lip. "Can't we just play a little?"

"Depends on what you play." Jacob laughs and Alice smacks him. "You've got five minutes."

"Yay!" Alice jumped up and instructed me to sit on the grass with her. "Drunk Bella is very fun to talk to. She likes to tell the truth." She smiles. "What have you been doing?"

"Drinking." I nodded. "A lot."

"Who's the best fuck you've ever had?"

"It's going to be Jacob." Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Are they ever together and not fucking?"

"True." Alice agreed.

"I thought I was supposed to answer." I scoffed in a very exaggerated and drunken style. "It's not Jacob." They both gave me questioning glance and I crawled closer to them. "It's you, baby!" I shout giving Alice a quick kiss. A friendly kiss, but the guys around us still liked it. "You're my number two." I wink at Rosalie.

"What's your biggest secret?" Rosalie asks laughing, joining in the fun of harassing Drunk Bella.

Phil. Mr. Masen. Jacob. Edward. My mom. There are so many. But even that drunk I would not admit to them. Not a single one. Those are locked so tightly in the vault they will never be spoken about again. "I don't have any secrets." I shook my head wildly and the world seems to spin, making me feel slightly nauseous. Even while drunk and brutally honest I still had some secrets that I had to keep hidden.

"Come on." Alice whines. "Everyone has a secret."

I bit my lip to keep the words from tumbling out of my mouth on accident. But I had to come up with something. "James."

"James?"

"Yeah, James. I dated him." I nodded.

"James? The janitor?" Alice furrowed her brow in disgust.

"Ewww! No!" I shouted. "He's all old and…ewww!" I squirmed uncomfortably as disturbing images flashed in my mind. But I just shook them off. "James. You know James! Everyone knows James."

"I think you're a little too drunk for this." Alice laughs. "You'll be having fun tomorrow."

"Yeah I will! You should have fun tomorrow too. Or ooh, we could have fun together!" The guys around us again laughed and at the time. "Not like that assholes."

Alice shook her head and laughed. "So other than this mystery James, have any other secrets?"

"Yes." I said before I could stop myself. She stared at me and waited for me to continue. "Not happening."

"Bella," Rosalie whined.

I closed my eyes and shook my head so violently my head began to pound. "No. No. No." I kept chanting until Jacob wraps his arms around me and soothes me.

"Five minutes is up!" Jacob exclaimed.

"No!" Alice shouted. "That was only, like, two."

"No, I'm sorry." Jacob shook his head. "You need to get a better watch. That was over five minutes." Alice pouted and I mouth 'I'm sorry' before blowing a kiss to her. "And I'm the judge anyway and Drunk Bella needs to get home."

"You're no fun." Alice pouts.

"Sorry." Jacob shrugged. "Say goodbye," he instructed me.

"Bye, Ali! Bye, Rose! I love you!" I blew them a kiss as Jacob began walking towards the street. "I don't want to go back home." I shook my head.

"Too bad."

"I want to stay here. I like it here. There are no problems and there are no worries."

"But that's not real life."

"Real life sucks!" I shouted as Jacob put me back on my feet as we reached the street. "We've already had this discussion!" I stopped walking.

"I know." We stood there for a minute before he wrapped his arms around my waist. "We should get you home."

"I don't want to go home." I whined.

"Then were do you want to go?"

"Anywhere." I sighed. "As long as you come with me." He didn't respond. He just kept walking away. "I'm serious you know." I said, my tone lowering to let him know I really did mean it. "If you want to leave, I'll go with you."

"You're drunk," he growled.

"I know. But I'm still serious. Don't you ever just want to leave? Just get away from it all?"

"It's not that easy." He sighed.

"Why not?" I stumbled over a rock but he rushed to my side to catch me before I fell.

Jacob released a heavy breath. "We're only seventeen. We have no money. No place to go. No way to get there."

"I've got The Ick and I've got a little money saved. We can do it. We can make it work."

"It's still not that simple."

"Why?" I shouted beginning to pout

"It's just not." He snapped at me.

"I'm sorry." I said weakly. "I just thought that…"

"It's okay." Jacob said, resting his chin on my shoulder. "I didn't mean to yell at you. I know what you're saying. It would be smart if we did leave but it's not just that simple. We would leave this set of problems and find another wherever we went. I've come to understand that is how life works."

"Just think about it, okay. Me and You and…Edward can come too, just get out of here and start fresh."

"Okay, I'll think about it." He nodded and I tripped again. I'm never drinking again. Well, I won't drink again until the next party…which I'm sure will be tomorrow.

"Promise?" I smiled as he lifted me into his arms.

He smiled at me and kissed me. "Promise."


	4. 03: I Need You Tonight

**Chapter 3 **

**I Need You Tonight Because I'm Not Sleeping**

There are so many things I say I want to forget, like all those nights he climbed through my window late at night. But it's not true. I want them. I want to hold onto as many memories as I can. I don't have much else left.

There are really only a few memories that I want to trade in for better ones. But if I did that, I'd have missed out on this life. I would be living in someone else's world.

XXXXXXXX

Three weeks had passed since school had let out and causal talks of the immanent future had begun at the dinner table. Talks of college, career plans…all those things that should be important but aren't. I have so much more on my mind. There were parties to attend, alcohol to be consumed, drugs to be taken. But it wasn't just about the parties. If I couldn't even figure out the present how the hell am I supposed to figure out my future?

At one point in time I had been a notoriously heavy sleeper. I had been able to sleep through the ear-splitting shrieking of the smoke alarm when I was ten when Charlie failed at spaghetti. But now for the past few years, every slight sound woke me up. I was like a paranoid mother thinking the soft whistling of the wind was her child crying. It has been years since I was able to sleep soundly.

I sat up from my restless sleep, the light cotton sheet clinging to my sweaty body. The silvery light of the full moon illuminated a maple branch, knocked lose by the strong winds of the upcoming storm, tapping on my half-open window. The week had set record breaking highs all around the city, some rain would be nice. I pushed the sheet off of me and ran my fingers through my hair as I glanced at the clock, the red numbers glaring at me hatefully. 2:48, it's getting late. I kicked the cotton sheet that had tangled itself around my feet to the floor as another loud knock on my window got me out of bed.

I tugged the chord of my rickety ceiling fan then made my way across my small bedroom. I opened the window all the way and leaned, smiling. I quietly moved to sit on the window ledge and closed my eyes appreciating the cool night breeze on my moist flesh as I listened to the shrill chirping of the crickets. I was in a tight light gray tank and a pair of pink panties and I still thought I might overheat and die. I opened my eyes and looked up seeing only a few sprinkles of stars through the heavy blanket of the storm clouds. I twisted my neck and looked over to the Masen's house, all the lights off, no noise, no movement, very odd. I waited a minute, inhaling the thick humid summer air before reluctantly climbing back into my room and closing the window. The screen had broken years ago and it never got replaced. It was going to be hotter than hell in my room now but I didn't want it raining into my room while I slept. Or at least tried to sleep. 

I sat on the edge of my bed and pulled my hair into a lose, messy ponytail. I wiped the sweat from my forehead rubbed my tired eyes. I miss sleep. I rested my elbows on my knees and put my head in my hands. I wasn't going to get to sleep tonight. I groaned softly and fell back onto my bed. I rolled onto my side, facing the wall and prayed for sleep. But the soft and steady rapping at my window forced me to my feet again. I didn't even need to look to know what it was; I instinctively walked over and reopened it. Judging by the time, I knew it wasn't good. His face was covered by shadow when he climbed through my second story window, like he had been doing for years. 

And so started what seemed to have developed into a routine for the two of us on those nights. I reached under my bed and pulled out my father's old, worn burgundy sleeping bag as Jacob switched on my bedside lamp. The 25 watt bulb illuminated the room just enough for the two of us to see. I cringed at the site in front of me. I had been right. This was bad. There were dried splotches of rust colored blood on his T-shirt and a trail of fresh blood leaking from his swollen nose. I pulled the first aid kit out and put it on my bed then made my way to the bathroom. I wet a washcloth and returned to find him waiting for me on my bed.

"You're late." I yawned. "I was getting worried." I smiled weakly, examining him for more injuries. His right eye was swelling and a bruise was already forming. "What happened this time?" I asked taking his injured face in my hands and gently washing it.

"The same as usual." He grunted, flinching as I wiped the blood from his fat lip. 

"Sorry." I gave him a sympathetic smile. "How's Edward?"

"He'll be all right." Neither of us spoke for a minute while I worked to clean him up. "He always is. We always are."

"How come you're the only one who ever comes to me?" I pondered out loud.

That brought a small smile to his worn face. "I don't know why he doesn't now. Now that he knows that you know. Now that it's all out there in the open with us. But back when it started to get really bad, when you I first came to you, Edward had a huge crush on you. He was too embarrassed for you to see him like that, you know. He was so mad at me when he figured out where I was going. He was so ashamed. I guess he didn't want you to see him like that. He didn't want you to know what it was like."

I scoffed. "Little did he know that I had my own experience in shitty parenting that he didn't know about. But why be ashamed? It's not his fault. He knows that, right?"

"Yeah, I know," he cut me off, clearly he didn't want to discuss it. He never did. I never did either. I could hold my curiosity at bay. It wasn't worth the damage it would inflict to know everything. It would probably hurt me too much to know everything. They may not have been my family by blood, but I'd take them over the family God had given me any day.

"I never knew Edward had a crush on me." I laughed continuing the conversation on a lighter note, a happier note.

"Yeah." His smile faded.

"I never would have guessed. Sometimes he acted like he barely even liked me at all." This was how things usually went. We never really discussed the situation at hand. We never really discussed anything important. We wanted to keep our complicated lives as simple as possible.

"Nope. He had a huge crush on you. Borderline infatuation." There was a short pause in the conversation. "I think he still likes you."

"No way," I said a little too loud. "He's got Tanya other girlfriends and... we're practically related."

"And there's me," he reminded me.

"And there's you," I agreed, stopping my nurse work on him. "But it's not like that for us, is it?" I asked, we never took the time to define our relationship. It was a friendship that evolved into something a little bit more every day.

"I don't know what it's like for us," he shrugged and reached for my hand. "I know what it's like for me."

There was a silence that fell over us. Neither one of us knew what to say to the other. "And what is it like for you?" I asked, not wanting to put my two cents in just then.

He groaned in frustration. "God, I don't know. Bella, I like you. I really like you but I don't know what that means. We're best friends. Don't people say they don't want to ruin it with a relationship. But we kind of already are in one, right?" he didn't stop to let me answer, he just kept rambling. "I mean, we see each other all the time. And we hook up on the regular. And we haven't been with anyone else in awhile. And I don't think I want to be with anyone else." He finally stopped to take a breath. "And we're always here for each other. I like that."

"I like it too," I agreed softly. Still not wanting to add my opinion, because I didn't know what it was.

"So..." he said, trying to prompt me to answer. But I didn't have one.

"So..." I copied him as a cop out.

He let out a heavy sigh, understanding my silence. I had a lot to think about. "But yeah, there's me. He can't have you. Because if one of us is going to get you, it's me," he said with finality. Our relationship wasn't completely defined but he had put himself out there. And I was the wimp who couldn't finish it off. I couldn't express my feeling because I didn't know what they were. Did I like him? Yes. Did I love him? Yes. But I loved Edward too. I wasn't in love with Edward. But was I in love with Jacob either? I don't know. We're too young and messed up to figure things like that out yet.

I smiled at him and changed the subject. "So is he staying at Tanya's?" I said, putting a bandage over one of his cleaned wounds.

"Tanya is just an occasional midnight fuck for him. She doesn't know what's going on. I don't think he's ever confided in anyone really. He keeps this all in. He doesn't want anyone to know. Not like I do. But you've had your own shit too. And you're one of us." I could tell he was pressing me to express myself but I wasn't ready yet.

"Edward is just feeding everyone the traditional brotherly boxing match excuse?" I noted. He cringed as I applied some disinfectant to his few small cuts. "Where does he stay when he gets out of the house?"

"I don't know. He likes to keep all that shit to himself. He crashes with some other kids I guess. You know how he can be."

"Aren't you worried?"

"About Edward? No. He can handle himself. He has been for years. And if he wanted help, he could find it. It's surprisingly close." He looked at me through his long eye lashes.

"I know you don't really need to be worried about him," I shook my head, my eyes not leaving his face. "But don't you worry about everything. It all seems to be getting worse." He didn't respond. He just sat letting me nurse him. "I don't think it's broken." I commented, carefully inspecting his nose. I smiled at him weakly, dropping the subject. I replaced the supplies in the first aid kit and snapped it shut, sliding it back under my bed.

"Thanks." He returned my smile.

"That's what best friends are for." I could see he wanted to respond but he just closed his mouth and smiled. I wrapped my arms around him. He inhaled sharply as I placed my hands on his back. I knew what that meant. I pulled away and crawled behind him, gingerly pulling up his T-shirt to reveal the large purple bruises forming from his shoulder blades and down. I pulled his shirt over his head and looked over his shoulder to see matching bruises forming on his stomach up to his ribs. "Jacob..."

"It's not that bad." He grunted and jerked at the feather light touch of the pads of my fingers slowly moving along the giant bruise on his back.

Even if he wouldn't admit it, it was hurting him. I knew it was. I gathered a few extra pillows and put them down on the bed and pushed him forward softly and slowly, making him lie on his stomach on top of the pillows. I produced a bottle of rubbing alcohol and a bag of cotton balls from the first aid kit. "Are any of the ribs broken?"

"I don't think so." He shook his head and buried his face in my fluffy dark cobalt pillow. I gingerly sat on the backs of his thighs, straddling him as I ran an alcohol soaked cotton swab along the bruise lightly. It helped cool his flesh as it quickly evaporated, helping ease the throbbing of the bruised muscles and flesh. We didn't say anything. We didn't need too. I tossed the used cotton swab into my garbage pail and kissed his cheek.

"I was serious about what I said before. About us leaving," I whispered in his ear.

"I just want to get some sleep right now," he sighed ignoring me as usual. I don't know why he avoided talking about it. There wasn't anything else we could have done, other than sit and waste our lives away in that town. I don't know what he had been so scared of. I still don't.

"I'll sleep on the floor tonight." I said softly, accepting that he wasn't going to answer me. Just like I was unable to answer him.

"You don't have to," he said sitting up slowly.

"It's fine." I smiled as I stood. I pulled off his shoes and socks and helped him out of his pants. I kissed his cheek again and pulled the white sheet up over his bare back. "Love you. Sleep tight." His only response was a soft moan but I knew what it meant, 'thanks, love you too'. These nights made me feel like a helpless mother. It was mentally and emotionally taxing. God only knows how he felt through all of it. I just wanted to be able to tell him that it would get better and know that it would. But I wasn't exactly an optimist myself. And I know better. I didn't see anything getting better in the near future. Not until we were able to get away and make a life for ourselves. And even then we still have those memories to weigh us down.

I sighed and crawled into the sleeping bag. The heavy cotton inside lining absorbed my body heat making me sweat even more. I crawled out and settled on the cooler burgundy outside. It had to be close to 3 am now, but now with Jacob in my room I felt safer and knew that maybe I would be able to get some sleep. At least I knew the boys were safe, for the moment. But I'd have to make sure that he was awake by 6 to make sure he could sneak back into his house undetected before his father left for work and his mother left for church. I wish there were something more I could do. I didn't like the helplessness. I wanted to be able to stop it, to prevent it instead of just cleaning up afterwards. I hated it. I hated every little bit of it. But little did I know that it wouldn't last for much longer.

I woke at 5:30 like clockwork. Like my body knew it had to be up to prevent more shit from happening. It was still hot as hell and my stomach was twisted into knots. Jacob was still sleeping in my bed, the white cotton sheet tangled at his feet, leaving me with a clear view of his back. It looked worse than it had last night. I don't know he put himself out like that. There had to be some way to stop it. It killed me to see him be put through that time and time again.

I opened the bottom drawer of my dresser and pulled out a clean T-shirt and pair of pants for Jacob. When he had started climbing through my bedroom window at night he had brought over a supply of his clothes and other essentials. I washed the ones he discarded at night, folded them then they made their way into the drawer. I had become an expert at removing blood stains and repairing holes.

I sat beside the bed, resting my head on the pillow Jacob was drooling on and watched him sleep. His steady breathing was relaxing. I cracked a small smile when I saw the small, hardly noticeable grin on his battered face. I hardly ever saw him smile anymore. There really wasn't any reason to smile anymore. I didn't want to have to wake him from his peaceful, happy slumber but if I didn't want to risk making things worse, I had to. I gently ran my long fingers though the dark messy hair. His dark brown eyes fluttered open and glared at me.

"Good morning," I whispered with a smile.

"I was having a good dream," he groaned and buried his face in the dark blue pillow.

"I could tell. And I'm sure it was all about me." I could hear his muffled laugh through the cotton filling of the pillow and rolled my eyes.

"Of course it was about you. You're the only good thing in my life," he said meeting my eyes.

I wished I had something to say to that but instead I changed the subject. "Come on. It's almost six," I urged, gently poking him in the side being careful not to hurt him. "Wake up, sleeping beauty."

"I thought you were sleeping beauty," he groaned rolling onto his side. He tried to keep a smile on his face as he moved around in bed but he failed miserably. He cringed at every move but he tried to hold it back. He didn't want me to worry and know how much pain he was actually in. "You're the girl."

"Nope." I shook my head as I helped him pull the black T-shirt on. "Can't be. I hardly ever sleep and I'm not beautiful."

He held my face in his hands and smiled at me. "I think you're beautiful." He brought his lips to mine and we kissed. I kept it chaste and simple, not wanting to hurt him anymore.

"And I think you're full of shit." I smiled and kissed him softly. "How are you feeling?"

He shrugged. "I've been worse."

"Can you get back on your own?"

"I think I can handle walking next door." He laughed as he opened my window.

"Be careful." I said, kissing him once more as he swung his legs out the window. I could tell it took a good amount of effort from the slow and almost lazy way he did it.

"As always." He smiled and jumped into the tree.

"See you tonight?" I asked leaning out the window.

"Of course." He smiled. I watched him climb down and slowly make his way across the yard. I could tell he was in pain just by the way he walked. He probably had a cracked rib, but that's nothing he hasn't suffered through before. As soon as he disappeared safely into his house I walked away from the window and collapsed onto my bed. Maybe I'll be able to get another hour of sleep before I have to get ready for work.


	5. 04: Black and Blue

**Chapter 4**

**My Feet Are So Black and Blue and So Are You**

I gently place the box on the ground and twist the rope of the tire swing and let myself spin. The scenery blurs, making my stomach churn but I need something to help ease the pain of the memories before I break down and cry.

I can still see him as the spinning slows; he's just standing there watching me, waiting until I make a move to the car. But I'm not ready. I haven't let the demons out of the closet. And I don't want to take them back with me.

I close my eyes and exhale deeply. He wanted me to be free. I'm ready for my freedom.

XXXXX

After Jacob left through my window sleep still remained elusive. Work didn't go so well either. I hardly made any tip money, everyone could always find something to complain about. By the time I got home I was exhausted and I was still queasy from this morning. I would like nothing more than to lie on my bed and take a nap, sleep for hours, never wake up. But how would I be able to sleep now if I can't even sleep at night?

The rain never came either. The storm just blew past us and left the scorching heat. So I stripped down to my white thank top, put on a pair of black shorts and collapsed onto my bed just enjoying the feeling of being able to relax for a minute until there was a knocking at my door. "Yeah?" I sighed and sat up.

My door slowly swings open and Charlie stands in the door frame. "I ordered pizza. Should be here any minute," he said with a smiled. He was a man of few words. After getting home from working with food all day, I didn't care much about dinner. "I ordered some extra for the Masen's. Elizabeth is sick again so I figured that would help them out. Mind running it over when it gets here?" Charlie never said much about the Masen's though I'm sure his police instincts raised a bit of suspicion. But despite all that he was still thoughtful and tried to help out the members of his community.

"Sure," I agreed easily. I never turned down and excuse to get out of the house. The pizza was there before I even got down the stairs. I ate two pieces then grabbed the extras. "Be back," I said to Charlie as the door slammed shut.

I slowly walked the stone path that ran from my yard to the Masen's. I used to walk this path everyday when I was younger but it had been awhile since I had stepped foot on their property. And it felt almost awkward to be standing at their front door. I hesitantly rang the doorbell and waited. A minute passed before the door violently swung open and I stared at a face of the one person I wanted to avoid. His unkempt, graying hair fell over his dark, empty eyes as he stared at me, waiting for me to speak. "Hi, Mr. Masen," I said sweetly, plastering a fake smile on my face. I saw Jacob standing in the hall and gave him a small wave and sympathetic smile. He looked shocked to see me. I can't blame him. But there was more than shock to that face. Something I've never seen before. Why did I just shake it off? Why did I just shake all the warnings off? "My dad got extra pizza he figured you guys could use some." I held out the box to him but he just continued to stare at me blankly. "I heard your wife is sick. Tell her I hope she fells better soon."

I saw the anger flash in his eyes and I took a step back as I saw his right arm twitch. "My wife ain't sick," he proclaimed, sounding rather calm as he rubbed the few days growth of stubble on his chin. The pungent smell of alcohol was thick on his breath.

"Oh. I'm sorry," I spoke softly, looking uneasily at my sneakers. Jacob hurried down the hall and into his bedroom. "I'll just leave this here anyway then." I thrust the pizza box at him and he grabbed it. I felt his rough calloused hand grab my arm and squeeze a little too harshly as he pulled me inside the house and slammed the door behind us.

I winced and turned around to see him give me a disturbing smile that sent chills down my spine. I was feeling very uncomfortable and wanted nothing more than to just hurry up and get home. That's a first. But the air was tick with that ominously foreboding feeling you get before something bad is about to happen. But that happens all the time and nothing bad does happen, right? But I always knew, I could feel it when it was real. And it sure as hell felt real to me. "Tell your father to mind his own business, sweetheart. We don't need your handouts and we don't need the police checking in on us. We're fine on our own." He winked and flashed me a wicked grin.

I cleared my throat and tried to break free of Mr. Masen's grasp but he held tight. "I will be sure to pass along the message. Have a good day, sir." I kept my head down and finally shook him off and walked past him to find Jacob.

"Get out of here, girl," he called after me.

"I was just going to say hello to the boys," I called over my shoulder.

I didn't make it very far before I was slammed into the wall from behind. I hadn't seen it coming and wasn't able to brace myself and my head hit hard. "You're not welcome here." He turned me around to face him. "Those boys get in enough trouble on their own without your damn help."

I grabbed my head and tried to shake away the cobwebs. "I haven't... we haven't done anything. I was just going to say hello and go back home and leave you all alone."

"Sure," he sneered. His hand reached between my legs and grazed my thigh. "You think I'm stupid. You think I don't know what you do when you think no one else can see?" His hand slowly reached higher on my thigh and panic began to settle in. My body began to shake with fear. This was not happening. It could not be happening. Not again. Not like this. "You think I don't know how you spread your legs for those boys, you little whore!"

Before it could go any farther Mr. Masen was suddenly off of me, thrown against the far wall. "Get your fucking hands off of her, asshole," Edward shouted, pinning his father against the wall. Edward's forearm pressed into his father's throat looking like he might be cutting off his air supply. He leaned in close and shouted in his father's face. "Don't ever touch her again! If I even see you look in the same direction as Bella I will fucking kill you! You hear me old man, I will fucking kill you!" Edward released his dad and grabbed my arm pulling me behind him. "Jake!" he screamed over his shoulder as we left the house. As soon as we were in the safety of my yard Edward pulled me in for a tight hug. "You okay?" he whispered in my ear.

"Yeah," I released a breath and with it came the tears. A few tears slipped from my eyes and Edward brushed them away with the pads of his thumbs. "I'm fine. It was nothing."

Edward punched the side of the house. "It wasn't nothing." His eyes met mine and I swear I saw them glisten with the hint of tears. "You're bleeding." He reached for my head.

I touched the sensitive spot and winced, pulling my hand away to see blood. "Shit," I cursed, trying to find an excuse to feed Charlie. I'm sure Edward and Jacob could have fed me a million on the spot they had been doing it for years.

"Bella, be honest with me. Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I nodded taking a deep calming breath. The panic had subsided. "Really, I'm fine."

He brought his forehead to mine and stared deep into my eyes. "He can fuck with me all he wants but I will not allow him to lay a hand on you. I swear, I will never let him touch a single hair on your head ever again. I should have killed him then and there. I shouldn't have let him get away with-"

"It was nothing," I argued quietly as his long fingers brushed through my hair.

"It didn't look like nothing from where I was standing, Bella." His hands gently cradled my face. "I won't let anything like that happen again. We both know-"

"What's up?" Jacob asked finally approaching us. "The shits kind of hitting the fan."

"Yeah, I know," Edward growled as he quickly stepped away from me. "I watched it start."

"What happened?" Jacob asked, looking at me and he could see it written on my face. "Jesus, Bella. Why did you come? You know better than to come over. You know how he is."

"It's not her fault," Edward snapped. "Leave her alone. Get her home safe and stay out of the house until he's passed out. Hopefully by morning he will have forgotten about everything." And with that he turned his back and walked away.

"What happened?" Jacob asked.

"Nothing. It was stupid." I walked into the house, pulling Jacob behind me. I told Charlie I tripped and hit my head on a rock and he believed me, I could be pretty clumsy after all. Jacob and I went to my room and climbed out the window and onto the roof. It was Jacob's turn to dress my wounds. He retrieved the first aid kit and I tried not to wince too bad when he cleaned my cut and bandaged me up.

We waved as Charlie pulled out in his cruiser leaving for work and I instantly pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one. I offered the pack to Jacob but he pushed it away and shook his head. "I quit."

"I quit quitting," I sighed and inhaled deeply. "I always end up starting again so why bother?"

"Sorry about him. You shouldn't have to see it. To experience it."

"That was nothing compared to what you go through."

"Doesn't matter," he said with a shake of his head. "You don't deserve that."

"Neither do you," I paused long enough to take a long drag on my cigarette. "Why do you stay?"

"What choice do I have?"

I shrugged. "Edward doesn't have a choice that's his dad. But you," I raised an eyebrow. "You're a ward of the state. Can't you talk to your case worker and and get a new family or something."

"It's not that simple, Bella," Jacob argued. "And because of that he hardly ever touches me. I get off easy. It only gets like this when things are really bad."

"Bullshit! Things have been really bad for a little while. Look at what he did to you. You call that getting off easy?" I shouted at him. "And CPS can't just let this happen to you. That can't be how the system works. You should have gotten the hell out of here years ago."

"And leave Edward to deal with it on their own?" he scoffed. "Do you have any idea how bad it would be for him if I left. How much more shit he would have to deal with."

"You should both leave. You can't stay like this. How long before things go from really bad to..." I trailed off, I couldn't say it. How much worse did it get? Death? I didn't even want to think about it. "You said yourself that Edward can handle himself. And I saw that first hand today. You don't need to worry about him."

He stayed quiet and met my eyes. "And what about you?"

"You don't need to worry about me. I can take care of myself. And you can bet your ass I am never going near him again."

He shook his head and his smile faded. "It's not just that. What if I never got to see you again. I know you are having a hard time defining us but I'm not. I love you, Bella. And if this is the life I have to live to be with you, fuck, just to be near you, I'll take it. I'll take whatever I can get with you. I'll be your friend, I'll be your lover, I'll be your brother. Whatever you want me to be it's done. As long as I still get to be with you at all."

Well, shit! What do you say to that? How am I supposed to not love a guy that says that? That does that? I was frozen and stayed silent and prayed that he would change the subject. When he didn't it just got a little awkward. So we stayed in silence until I finished my cigarette. "How's mom?" I've always called Mrs. Masen mom. I spent almost as much time in her house as my own growing up. And then after my parents divorced she was my mother here. And then after leaving my mom and Phil Mrs. Masen became the only mother I wanted. She was always willing to listen to to offer advice and help. Especially in the delicate areas of womanhood where Charlie was useless.

"She's…alright." He sighed as I rested my head on his chest. "Just dealing with the hazards of living in our house." He rubbed my back gently accepting the change in conversation. I was still unsure what to say. I was still so unsure of what he was to me. I didn't want to live without him but was it because I was in love with him or was it because I considered him my family.

"I'm sorry." I said wrapping my arms around him. The words had a double meaning but I don't know if he understood that. "It'll be okay." I reassured him as I kissed the top of his head.

"What if its not? What if it doesn't get better?"

I'm not usually such the optimist, but while talking to Jacob, I have to be. "It will." I nodded sternly. "I don't see how it can get any worse."

"Don't say that." He laughed rather than cry. "When someone says something like that it always gets worse." Usually saying something nice and reassuring like that comforts someone and makes them feel better, but of course not Jacob, the eternal pessimist. But I couldn't blame him. He was right after all. He grabbed my pack of cigarettes and lit one up.

"I thought you quit." I smiled.

"I lied." He returned the smile. He leaned over and kissed me before he jumped into the tree. "I'm going to find Edward. I'll see you tonight." He promised.

"You going to find me a party?" I asked leaning over the edge of the roof.

"I'll make one for you." He winked and jumped into the lawn.

"Promise?"

"Promise." He winked and blew me a kiss before disappearing down the road. I crawled back into my bed and quickly found sleep. 


	6. 05: You Don't Smile Anymore

**Chapter 5**

**You Don't Smile Anymore**

I kept spinning myself in circles faster and faster on the tire swing. That's what life felt like just a fast blur that you couldn't make any sense of until it suddenly stopped.

XXXXXX

I had woken as soon as the sun set. Go figure, I could sleep during the day just fine but sleep was always elusive at night. There was the strangest feeling in the pit of my stomach that I couldn't place. But I ignored it and changed into party clothes and climbed out onto the roof waiting for Jacob. He never broke a promise to me. I went through three cigarettes while I waited The nervous feeling in my belly was beginning to mount into full blown panic at how late it was before I finally saw his shadow slink into my yard and climb the tree. "You know Charlie's gone, right? You can use the front door."

"Not nearly as fun." He said and he jumped and sat beside me.

"But a lot less dangerous," I reminded him.

"I've done it a million time before and never gotten hurt."

"But you already are hurt."

"And so are you," he reminded me, his fingers brushing against my forehead.

"Well, aren't we quite the pair." We laughed and shared a cigarette. "How's Edward?"

Jacob raised his shoulders in a shrug. "Fucked up. He went straight to Tanya's. They were high as fuck when I got there. I don't know what they took but they were sure having a good time."

"A party for us to go to?"

Jacob laughed. "I think that's more of a private party. Apparently all he needed was to get high and fuck Tanya's brains out. And he was certainly trying to... you get the idea."

"Oh," I sighed. "I guess that doesn't sound like a good party for us to go to."

He scooted closer to me. "We can make our own private party though."

I groaned loudly and pushed him lightly. "Do you ever think of anything else?"

"Sure." He shrugged. "But that's just my favorite."

"So it's not my sharp wit or intellect that has your attention? Just my body," I teased.

"No," he shook his head. "I love everything about you." And with that he brought his lips to mine. I didn't respond the way he wanted me too. Sure, I kissed him back. But I didn't swoon at his words. If anything I tensed up not knowing how to respond again. This whole confession of love was so new to me. Why did he have to go and complicate things. Why couldn't he just be happy being friends. Really close friends that helped each other out. I liked that arrangement. We didn't have to work at it. It just worked.

I pulled away and climbed through the window back into my room. "Okay then," Jacob followed me. "I do get my private party."

"No, you dork. We're getting out of here. Today sucked. We deserve a party."

Jacob bowed to me. "If my lady wants a party then a party I shall find." He pulled out his cell phone and began to send out texts. It took about a minute before his phone blew up. He threw it at me and I managed to catch it. "Where to my lady?"

I threw it back at him. "Surprise me, fool."

"If it were really up to me, we would stay in," he said, pulling me in close to him. I rolled my eyes and pushed him away. "Not like that," he groaned. "Though it can still happen. You know I'm not turning that down. But what if we just stay in and, I don't know, watch a movie or something. Maybe act like normal teenagers or something for a night."

"Jake, we aren't normal teenagers," I reminded him. I had more to say but I left it at that. When I looked at him I started to get it. I wouldn't know how to explain away all of his injuries. Though he had become and expert at it. "But we can do a quiet night." We climbed down the stairs. I made some popcorn and we settled in for a movie. It wasn't exactly what I wanted but it was nice. It was something that we hadn't done in a long time. Life got too complicated for us too early and we lost the simple things in life.

The movie ended and neither one of us moved. I stayed sitting in front of him my back to his chest, nestled comfortably between his legs, his arms wrapped around me from behind. He lowered his head down and I could hear him breathe in the scent of my hair. He kissed the back of my head and kept his head against mine, hugging me from behind. "I love you," he whispered so quietly I could barely hear him.

He moved his hands up and down my arm slowly and gently and we just stayed quiet for a long time before I finally broke the silence. "Jake, I think you should go."

"Oh," he sighed sitting up. "Yeah, I can go now. That's fine. I can, uh, just go... somewhere else."

"No, not now. I mean just go. Like leave this place forever. I don't want to be the reason you stay. I _can't _be the reason you stay." My voice cracked a little as I spoke and he wrapped his arms around me again. I could feel his body tense around me, his muscles tightening and holding me tight against him.

"You want me to go?" I don't know if it was a statement or a question. He stayed tense and didn't release his grip on me.

"I don't _want _you to go. If I was selfish I would keep you here with me forever but this isn't about me. It's about you." I finally pulled myself out of his grasp and sat up to face him. "Look at what he's done to you. What he will keep doing to you. And it's only going to get worse, right? He won't get any better and each time this happens it gets a little worse, Jake. Get out of here before it's too late."

"It is too late, Bella. I love you and I'm not giving up on you."

"I'm not asking you to. All I'm asking is for you to take care of yourself."

Jake stood and growled in frustration. "I can take care of myself. I don't need you to worry about me."

"Of course I worry about you!" I shouted back at him. "I love you!" And though I meant it, I regretted it the moment the words slipped past my lips. I didn't mean it in the way that he wanted me to. He closed the distance between us and again held me tightly against him. "That's why you should go. You said you were staying for me. Don't do that. I can't be the reason that this keeps happening to you. All I will be able to think about every night you climb through my window for me to play nurse is that it's my fault. That if it weren't for me none of this would be happening. You should leave. You should be happy."

"By leaving everything I've ever known behind?" He screamed at me.

"You don't have to leave things behind. I told you, I'd go with you. Edward too. I don't care who we take. But I don't know how much longer I can watch this happen. I don't have much more in me. I love you both too much to keep watching you get hurt." He didn't say anything he just stayed rooted in place staring at me not even bothering to argue about it like he usually did. "Jacob, if this keeps happening and you don't do something about it then I'll tell Charlie." It was a threat I had made only once before, right after I first found out. Both Jacob and Edward talked me out of it. They didn't yell or tell me to mind my own business but they just reminded me that I wasn't there. That I didn't know what it was like. That I couldn't even begin to understand what doing that would do to them in the long run. They were convinced that it would only make things worse. And they were right. Though I had seen some shit in my life I had no idea what their situation was like. Like they could never understand my shit. And if they thought it was best to leave it be, then I would leave it be. But I can't any more.

Jacob stayed silent and seemed to think about it for a minute. He walked back to me and held my face in his hands. He stared deep into my eyes for a long time before he finally kissed me. "Okay," he whispered in my ear. "Let's do it. Let's get the fuck out of this godforsaken town."

I pulled away from him and stared at him waiting for him to repeat himself. I had been trying to get him to agree to this for years and he always just brushed it aside. "Seriously?" He nodded and pulled me in for another hug.

"If you want to go, I will go. Wherever you go, I go." He brushed the hair from my face and pulled me in for another kiss. That kiss turned into another and so and and so forth until we were both undressed. I felt guilty touching his body now being able to see the damage but he didn't seem to react to it. "I don't want to hurt you," I whispered, resting my hands onto his bruised chest.

"You could never hurt me," he whispered pulling me closer to him. "How could I possibly hurt with you so close?" And the moment had passed for me. He wanted more than I could give him. For me it was a natural progression with us. We were teenagers. Our hormones wanted nothing more than to kiss and fuck and get drunk to pass the time. At least that's what mine were telling me. But for him, he kept bringing in emotion and I was still not ready for it. We were young. We were damaged. What the fuck did we know about love.

"I'm tired," I sighed and stood up. "Let's go to bed. We can figure this all out in the morning." I stood and took his hand, leading him up the steps.

Having one less thing to worry about at night helped to relax me. Being in bed with Jacob was always comforting not just because I didn't want to sleep alone but because I knew I didn't have to worry abut where he was and what was happening to him. And even despite the sweltering heat having Jacob's arms wrapped around me helped sooth me to sleep almost instantly. It was the best night of sleep I had for years. It was an uninterrupted and dreamless sleep. At least until Charlie came home.

Charlie and I had an unspoken rule that he never enter my room. He never opened the closed door without permission for fear of awkwardness but all bets seemed to be off when he came home and found not only my entire set of clothes on the floor downstairs but also a man's. He barged in with a murderous rage. And it only got worse when he actually saw Jacob and I in bed together. Naked. He was screaming so loud and fast that I couldn't understand what he was saying.

"Dad," I said very calmly, sitting up slowly and pulling a blanket over me and Jacob. You knew things were serious when I called him dad instead of Charlie. "Calm down. Let's talk about this."

"Talk? We had this talk a few years ago! It ended with don't do it!"

"We actually didn't do it last night, sir," Jacob said sheepishly.

"You didn't do it _last _night? As in there were other nights?"

"Shut up, Jake," I whispered to him. "Your not helping. He is trained in the fine art of interrogation."

"I should go," he shifted his weight in bed trying to stand and keep himself covered at the same time.

"We are not done here, young man," Charlie growled at him and Jacob sat back down beside me. Charlie just grimaced. "No, that's not going to help. Get out of the bed."

Jacob awkwardly got out of bed, trying modestly to cover himself and failing horribly. I closed my eyes and looked away but when I finally looked he was still just standing in the corner naked. Charlie looked about ready to have a heart attack and had no idea what to do. "Bottom drawer," I instructed Jacob finally looking at him. He pulled out some clothes and threw them on fast.

"He has clothes here?" Charlie screamed.

"You should go," I said quietly to Jake. Charlie didn't protest this time. Jacob took one small step and Charlie still said nothing. But Jacob was heading towards the window. "The door is that way, Jake," I reminded him with a wave of my hand. I would not let him give up our method of sneaking around. "I'll see you later."

"You'll be grounded later," Charlie said sternly. He glared at Jacob as he tried to slink past him. "I will be talking to you later, son."

"Please don't bring him into this," I whined.

"You're the one who brought him into this. I didn't ask to find my daughter in bed with the boy next door."

"I didn't want you to see it either."

"I'm sorry, sir," Jacob said as he finally moved past Charlie and hustled out of the house.

There was a long pause where we both looked at each other and said nothing. "I think it's time for a long overdue talk," Charlie finally broke the silence and stepped into my room.

I shifted uncomfortably in the bed, pulling the sheet up higher over my body. "Can we do this downstairs. Preferably after I get some clothes on."

He backed out of the room quickly and agreed. And five minutes later we were sitting across from each other at the kitchen table. We each held a coffee in our hands and neither one of us knew how to start this awkward conversation. Since it was his idea, I was going to force Charlie to go first. "What's going on with you?"

I couldn't hold back a laugh. "I'm seventeen, what isn't going on with me?"

"You know what I mean. You've been so different lately. So distant."

"No more than usual. It's not like we were ever really that close. You do your thing and I do mine. It's what we've always done. It's what works for us. And I'm good with that."

"Sometimes I feel like I don't know who you are anymore. I remember this little girl with pigtails."

"That's just the thing," I interrupted. "I'm not a little girl anymore. I have a job. I'm filling out college applications and getting ready for the real world. This is what happens to little girls. They grow up."

"But they don't... they shouldn't..." he stuttered.

"But they do." I nodded. "At seventeen it's almost hard to find ones that don't."

"So you're just following the crowd now? That was never you before."

"It's not like that," I argued. "Honestly nothing happened last night and I know that you don't believe that. It almost did but didn't. Trust me. Have I ever given you reason not to believe me?" I tried.

"I don't know anymore, Bells."

"I'm not that different from that little girl you still want me to be. Just older and more mature," I tried. "I've never lied to you." And that was the truth. I never had to. He usually just trusted me or simply didn't even bother asking questions. I don't know if it was trust or the fact that he didn't really want to know the answers. "And I promise not to start now," that was the first lie I ever told him.

He nodded and took a drink of his coffee. I did the same. "How long has this been going on? You and Jacob."

I shrugged not knowing what to say. "Awhile. But not like that. We just like each other. And somewhere along the way..." I trailed off not wanting to give him details. "But it's not always like that. That's not the only reason we see each other. Sometimes at night this house gets lonely." That was the second lie. I liked being alone but I thought playing the lonely daughter would gain me some bonus points right now. "You're gone so much and that's fine. You have a life and you have to work. I'm old enough that you don't have to be here all the time. But sometimes I just have a hard time sleeping alone. And you know crazy it is next door. Sometimes he just wants some piece and quiet."

Charlie rolled his eyes. "You expect me to believe that a boy comes into your bed and nothing happens." He raised his eyebrow and dared me to disagree.

"I didn't say nothing ever happens but last night it didn't. But does it really matter? I'm an adult now."

"Almost. You are _almost _an adult. You are still seventeen and you still live in my house under my rules."

"We never really had rules. We never talked about this."

"I didn't think I had to. I thought I had time."

"Well, I guess you were wrong."

There was another long silence that fell between us. "Sometimes I think that I'm not doing a good enough job with you, Bells. I know I work long hours and I'm gone a lot. And it's hard for me to understand you sometimes. I never really did get women. That's why it didn't work out with your mom and me. I forgot that you weren't a little girl and you're now a woman. I don't know what to do about that."

"You're doing a good job," I reassured him.

"I don't know," he sighed. "Maybe you should go live with your mother for awhile. A girl needs a mother."

I stood up quickly knowing my chair down in the process. "Fuck no!" I shouted. It was the first time I had cursed in front of him and I had taken him by surprise.

"Bella, I just think that it might be good for a little while. As you've pointed out, you're a young woman now and I don't know what to do with that. Your mom would be able to help and-"

"Absolutely not!" I cut him off. "I'm old enough to decide where I want to live and I chose here. I left there for a reason and I will not go back."

"I know you and your mother have had some differences over the years but I think you guys should try to work them out. Get past it. She's still your mother after all."

"If I wanted to see her or talk to her I would. But I don't. So I won't." He sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Dad, I'm not budging on this one. This is the first time something like this has happened but this and it really shouldn't be a big deal, this is what teens are like these days. I think the police chief should know that out of all people. And you always said that you had no reason not to trust me. So if you were ever going to trust me on something let it be this. I am not moving back in with mom. Ever. End of story."

"What happened between you two? I just don't think it's fair for you to cut your mother out of your life like that."

I shook my head. "It doesn't matter anymore. It was a long time ago and as long as we are far apart everything is fine. Don't worry about it. And if you try to move me away is your way of trying separate me and Jacob you can stop. It's not going to work. He's my best friend no matter where we are."

"This isn't about Jacob," Charlie sighed. He rubbed his palm across his forehead and released a heavy breath. "I know I can't stop you from doing what you want. I never have been able to. But I've always trusted that we raised you right and you would make the right choice. I can't say that I'm happy about some of your choices but I am trying to trust that you know what you're doing."

"If this is your way of asking about protection..."

"Just be safe," he cut me off. "I don't really need the details. This is awkward enough."

"I am being safe. Very safe. Don't worry. I got that much out of our earlier birds and bees talks. And you're doing a good job. _You _have raised me right. Any mistakes were made by mom. Don't forget that." I reached across the table and gave his hand a squeeze. If I was going to be leaving with Jacob I didn't want Charlie thinking that any of it was his fault. Because it wasn't. He was doing the best he could. I would have to leave him a really nice note trying to explain that as best I could. "Can we be done now? This has been awkward enough. And I have to get ready for work soon." Charlie nodded accepting the end of the conversation. "I love you, dad. Thanks for looking out for me." I started towards the steps but turned back. "I'm not really grounded, am I?"

He shook his head. "Don't make me regret that decision. And this doesn't mean that I'm okay with all of this. Seventeen is still too young. Me and your mother were older when we met and look what happened to us."

"Jesus, Charlie!" I shouted. "We are no where near talking about marriage! Seventeen is young but this is what young kids do now. We don't get married! We at least know that's a bad idea." There was another pause in our conversation before I spoke again. "You're not really going to talk to Jacob are you?"

"Do I have to?" He raised his eyebrow.

"No, I think you've already scared him enough." Charlie nodded in agreement

"What happened?" He asked suddenly.

My eyes grew wide in shock. "Like details? You want details?" I stuttered. That was a bad idea. Charlie didn't even like to listen to details on my normal day.

"God, no!" Charlie shouted. "I, uh, couldn't help but notice that it looked like Jacob got into a hell of a fight."

"Oh," I sighed in both fear and relief. "He was. No big deal. You know how boys are." He nodded seeming to accept the answer and I started up the steps.

"Bells," Charlie called out and I stopped. "You'd tell me if something was wrong, right?"

I climbed down the stairs and stood across from him not knowing how to answer. "Like what?" I asked, chewing on my bottom lip.

"Like anything. The world is a scary place. I just want you to know that you can talk to me about anything. I know it's awkward and I'm not the greatest at things like this but I'm trying. I want you to know that I'm here for you. I want to be here for you."

"Of course," I said softly and ran away from him before all my secrets spilled from me.


	7. 06: A Drop in the Ocean

**Chapter 6**

**A Drop in the Ocean**

He cleared his throat behind me. "Almost," I whispered, feeling his patience begin to wear thin.

"Don't rush," he reminded me, trying to keep calm. "Say your goodbyes because after this we have no reason to come back anymore."

XXXXXXX

Charlie was gone by the time I left for work. He probably had to go fishing to clear his mind of what he had seen and forget all about the awkwardness of our conversation. He might even be home less than usual wondering what he might see if he were home. Plus I'm sure he had to avoid me for awhile neither one of us wanted to relive any moments of that conversation for a long time. Work was a welcome relief. It was a fast paced day that kept me busy. But despite that my mind kept drifting off with thoughts of running away. How would we do it? Where would we go? Then someone would ask for more ketchup and bring my focus back to work. I guess that would have to wait until tonight.

Not surprisingly Charlie was still out when I got home. I didn't think I would see that much of him in the near future, or pretty much ever again if I planned on getting out of town with Jacob. I felt almost guilty planning on leaving after a successful heart to heart with Charlie. But if that was the only way to keep my best friends safe I didn't really have a choice did I? I took advantage of the quiet house and did some housework and actually cooked a homemade meal. I texted the boys and invited them over and within minutes Edward was sitting at my table. "Jacobs working," he explained grabbing one of Charlie's beers from the fridge.

"Drinking that is probably a bad idea."

"Your dad isn't going to notice one missing beer," Edward argued chugging half of it before I could speak again.

"He might after catching me and Jacob in bed together this morning."

Edward spit beer from his nose as he broke out into hysterical laughter. "No shit. And Charlie didn't shoot him?"

I shrugged and placed a plate of spaghetti and garlic bread in front of him. "I'm sure it crossed his mind but I talked him down and he's surprisingly okay with it."

"He probably is also under the impression that you and Jacob are in a very serious and committed relationship though, right?" he said with a mouthful.

"Well, I wasn't going to tell him that it was a friends with benefits situation. That wouldn't help the situation. Plus, I don't know if that's what it is anymore." Edward raised an eyebrow and shoveled another bite in. I took in a deep breath and picked around at my plate before speaking. "Jacob told me he loved me."

Edward laughed again and he flashed me his famous crooked smile. "Of course he does. Everyone knows that." I just stared at him blankly. "What? You didn't?"

"No!" I shouted. "I thought things were just fine before. Now its all weird."

"How did you not know? Those puppy dog eyes he gives you all the time. He would do anything for you, babe. He's got it bad."

"I know that _now_. And I feel incredibly guilty about that."

"Guilty about what?" Edward asked finishing off his place and helping himself to seconds.

"Because I can't help but feel partially responsible for what's going on with you guys," I admitted quietly.

Edward scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Because you can control the fact that my dad is an angry asshole."

"No, because if it weren't for me maybe you boys wouldn't stay." Edward stopped eating and stared at me. "I've been trying to talk Jacob into running away or getting out of there somehow and he was full of excuses. I really pushed him yesterday and he said he..."

"He didn't want to leave you," Edward finished for me.

"And I think he's stupid for it," I spat. "I'm nothing special. I'm broken and damaged and nothing worth staying in that house for."

Edward released a heavy breath. "Of course you are. You can be so oblivious sometimes. Don't you think we've both thought about getting the hell out of there? No one wants to stay in that shit hole."

"So why _do _you stay?"

"Because it's my home. It's where my family is. It's where my life is. It's where you are." I tried not to cringe. I didn't want to hear him say that he was staying for me too. "And where else am I going to go? I have no car. I have no money. I have nothing but this life here."

"I have a car. I have some money. If you wanted to leave you should have come to me. You know I would have done anything at all to help you."

"That's exactly why I didn't come to you," Edward growled. "Don't worry about me or Jake we can take care of ourselves. Worry about yourself sometimes too. You tried thinking of someone else yesterday and look at what it got you?" He pointed to my head.

There was a long pause in the conversation. "Jacob agreed to leave with me."

His posture stiffened up and he cleared his throat loudly. "Well, good for you guys. I hope you are very happy-"

"I want you to come," I interrupted him.

He didn't relax at at all, he remained tense and he stared at me, mouthful of spaghetti. "And be the third wheel to you guys. No thanks. It's hard enough being at the same party as you guys when you get all cuddly."

"You know we aren't like that. I thought we were the three musketeers. We were going to be best friends forever."

"We were." He shrugged.

"_Were_?" My heart broke a little. I didn't want to lose him.

"Things change, Bella. You and Jacob are in love and-"

"Whoa!" I interrupted him. "Jacob told me that he loved me. I didn't say it back."

"But you do love him."

"No. I don't know. I don't think so. I mean, I do but not like that. I love him and I love you. But what the fuck do I know about love?"

"It seems pretty obvious to me. You guys hang out together. You guys hook up. You share secrets. You nurse him back to health. That is exactly what two people in love do."

I never thought about it like that. We just did those things because we were best friends. Or so I thought. "I'd do those same things for you too."

"You asked him to run away," Edward said softly.

"And I'm asking you too!" I said firmly. "Who cares about me and Jacob that's not what this is about. This is about you. You can't stay here. You can't live like this."

"I've been doing just fine my whole life, what's so different now?"

"I _want _you to come!" We sat quiet for a moment and just stared into each other's eyes. "And just imagine what kind of hell will be raised when Jacob isn't there anymore. How much more can your father push you around before it's too late?" He didn't respond we stared at each other both speechless. I broke the silence when I couldn't take it anymore. "We haven't figured it all out yet. We'll leave soon after we get everything together." 

He looked away from me and returned to his food. "I'll think about it."

I rolled my eyes. "Jacob said that for years before he finally agreed. Don't make me threaten you too."

"You've got nothing on me." He smiled, our small fight over.

"I've got plenty on you." I smiled back. "I've missed this." Edward raised his brow in question. "I feel like we never hang out like this anymore."

Edward shrugged. "You've been too busy fucking Jacob."

I threw a piece of garlic bread at him but he managed to catch it in his mouth and eat it. "Asshole. You've been busy with Tanya."

"Just something to do to pass the time."

"You're with her almost every night, you don't like her even a little bit?"

Edward shook his head. "Nah, she's not my type."

"I thought that anything with a vagina was your type."

"Correction," he countered. "I will fuck pretty much anyone with a vagina. But that does not mean they are my type. I have very high standards."

"And what are your standards? What is your type? Who do you have your eye on?"

He looked away and shrugged. "I don't know. I'm not looking to get married. I'm just trying to take advantage of my good looks and boyish charm while I can."

"Sounds like a good way to live a life," I agreed.

"Hey, since you've missed hanging out so much how about we go old school and camp out in the tree house?" Edward asked.

"Alice texted me about a party..." I started but stopped. "But I'll text her back and cancel. You know it's supposed to rain tonight, right?"

Edward shrugged. "They've been saying that for two weeks and we haven't gotten any. This might be the first time in history that this place has a drought."

We finished our dinner and he helped me clean up. That was a nice surprise Charlie and Jacob never help clean up when I cooked for them. 

As we were finishing the dishes Jacob texted me wanted to know what our plans were for the night. I couldn't help but be annoyed at his assumptions. Charlie had just caught us in naked in bed together and if he were any other dad would have murdered Jacob and grounded me for forever. Sure he didn't, but Jacob didn't know that. Plus, I still had no idea how to deal with his confession of love. And I've found that if you ignore things long enough you can pretend that they didn't happen. And I that's exactly what I wanted. I wanted things to go back to the way they were before. I ignored Jacob's text and gave an annoyed huff and prepared the excuse of Charlie's anger for when he questioned me on it. Edward grinned his crooked grin as he put away the last of the dishes.

"What?" I raised an eyebrow at him in question.

"Deciding how best to ditch me tonight?" Edward shrugged. "Jacob demands your full attention. I get it." He turned to the door and started walking out without another thought. "I'm a big boy you don't have to let me down easy."

"Edward, stop!" I called after him. "I'm not ditching you tonight. It's the other way around. Jacob has taken up too much of my time recently. And you're right. I've missed this. The two of us. Camping out in the tree house like the good old days."

"I would seriously wonder if we would both be able to comfortably fit up there but since you and Jacob have turned that into a love nest it can't be that tight of a fit."

"Did I not hear you brag about scoring in a crunchy vegan chick's smart car? The tree house might be small but it's like four of those."

I could detect a hint of a blush creep onto his cheeks. "I didn't think you heard about that."

"We have no secrets," I reminded him.

"Well then, yes I did manage to fuck a very small girl in a very small car. But I've seen your acrobatics in action a smart car would never work for you." This time it was my turn to blush.

Charlie texted me to let me know that he wasn't coming home tonight. I wasn't sure if it was just a friendly reminder or letting me know that me and Jacob had the house to ourselves at least for the night. And I wasn't sure I knew which one I preferred.

After a quick run into town for supplies for our camp out Edward and I walked into the trail between our two houses that led to the tree house. "How long has it been?" I asked him.

"Awhile. I used to come out here when things got bad before but I didn't want him to follow me out here. I wanted to keep this place good. You know?" I nodded in agreement. "I still come out here occasionally when I just need some peace and quiet but I'm always a little afraid that I'm going to interrupt something."

"That's only a last resort sort of thing. And as you've said before it's not like it's something that you haven't seen before," I tried to shrug it off.

"That doesn't mean I _want _to see it. And when you want to be alone with your thoughts, watching your best friends fuck is just about the last thing you want to see."

"Do we have to come up with some kind of code system. We hang a lantern outside the window if it's occupied?" I laughed. He didn't laugh with me. "Come on, we are supposed to be having fun."

"Sometimes I don't think I know what that is," he sighed as he took the first step up the worn ladder. "It's been a long time since I've been able to smile without a little help."

"Well, we've got more than a little help tonight. And maybe we can pretend like we were back then. Back when this place wasn't an escape it was just us, kids being kids. We were happy then, right?"

"I think so."

We settled in on opposite sides of the tree house. It seemed smaller than I remembered. But it had been a long time since it was just Edward and I in there. And between those four walls were more than just our bodies but there were so many secrets crowding around us. I tried to ignore it and lit a cigarette, Edward did the same. Even though we both wanted to do this a heavy silence fell between us. I reached into my backpack, pulled out a deck of cards and dealt us each a hand of poker. Edward smirked. "Just like old times. What are we playing for?"

"What do we have?" I asked looking around. "Cigarettes. Snacks."

"Two joints," Edward said, patting his pockets. "Three dollars. Condoms," we laughed. "Secrets."

"I thought we didn't keep secrets from each other?" I answered quietly, looking up at him through my eyelashes.

He just shrugged in response and we both picked up our hands. "Then we play for answered questions. No bull shit."

"That's the way it's always been."

"Has it?" He arched an eyebrow.

He won the first hand easy with a pair of jacks. "Did you ever tell Jacob about Phil?"

I cringed at the name and the memory. We had an unspoken agreement to never speak about that again. I didn't talk to him about his dad and we never mentioned Phil again. But it seemed that all bets were off that night. I pulled a bottle of whiskey out of my back pack and took a long pull from the bottle. "No bullshit," I sighed and took another drink. "No." I felt the threat of tears sting in my eyes. "I tried to tell Renee but she didn't believe me. Like I would make that up. Like any sane person would ever make that up." As hard as I tried I couldn't keep the tear from slipping out of my eye. I didn't wipe it away, Edward had already seen it. And he was the one to dry my tears after it happened. He was used to seeing me cry. "It was so hard to say it that first time. To admit that I couldn't defend myself. That the guy that my mother was so in love with was a monster that liked to rape young girls. To hurt them. To destroy them. And it hurt even worse when she denied it. And if my own mother didn't believe me why would anyone else? That's the part that hurt the worst. Phil did what he did. The world is full of evil assholes like him. But my own mother rejected me for him." I pulled my legs up to my chest and rested my head on my knees. "And no matter how hard I tried to bury it whithin myself, you could see it written all over my face when I came home. I was so scared that everyone else could too. But it was only you."

He took my hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze then picked up the cards and dealt another hand. I didn't have a chance that hand with nothing more than a 10 high.. I lowered my head, trying to hide myself from whatever question he would hit me with next. "Why didn't you ever tell him? You said we had no secrets. No bull shit."

"I don't have secrets from you," I said softly. "You know everything about me." I paused for a long minute. "You could tell right away. It was easy to tell you. But Jacob never noticed a thing so it was easy to pretend like it didn't happen. I got over it. I forgot about it. It's not a secret if it never happened." I met his gaze and held it for three breaths before I spoke again. "That face." I pointed at him. "It's that look. You always have that look about you whenever you think about it. This look of pain and pity. You had it yesterday when your dad came at me. Like I was weak and useless. I fucking hate that look. I couldn't have you both look at me like that." More tears streamed down my cheeks and Edward crawled over to me, brushing them away with the pads of his thumbs.

This time he lowered his head unable to meet my eyes. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to. It's just that... I hate to think of you hurting," he said settling back into his spot across from me.

I ignored him and took a few deep breaths that calmed my tears and shuffled, dealing another hand. I thought I had him with a trip 5's but he had a full house. "Why didn't you ever tell Jacob about your first time in the tree house?"

This question I could handle. It didn't feel like being stabbed in the heart. But it did make me a little angry. I glared at him as I sipped the whiskey, relishing in the burn. "What? Like I have to disclose details of every guy I've ever fucked?"

"I didn't mean it like that," he snapped at me. "Were you just too ashamed that it was me that you fucked first that you had to keep it a secret? While you flaunt your relationship with him all around."

"Oh," I released a breath like I was punched in the gut. I never thought about it like that. "It wasn't like that. I didn't mean it like that. I wasn't ashamed of you at all." I lowered my voice to barely above a whisper like there was anyone out there to hear us. "I didn't tell anyone because..." I stopped and bit my lip searching for the right words. "Jacob and I might fool around. A lot. But that's all it was for me. I love him but I'm not in love with him or anything. I've said that time and time again and somewhere along the way he forgot that. You two are my best friends and he just so happened to be willing to give out the benefits my body wants. He wasn't supposed to fall in love with me. It was supposed to be fun." I paused and look a deep breath. "But you... us... that moment was different. You saw my pain and you forced it out of me. You helped to shoulder the burden and lessen the pain. And underneath it all was a scared and lonely girl that you helped. You made me forget about the pain of what Phil did to me and you taught me how it could be. How it was supposed to be. How it was between us. It was personal. I bared my soul to you. And I gave a piece of myself to you that night. You were the first guy I _wanted _to be with. The first time I had a choice. And I chose you. And I didn't want to share that with anyone else."

He didn't respond, we sat in silence passing the bottle back and forth as the crickets played us a melody. After a couple drinks he picked up the cards and dealt again. This time I won. If he wasn't going to go easy on me, I wouldn't go easy on him either. "Tell me about it. Your dad. What he does to you."

I could see all of Edward's muscles tense in response to the question. "You already know," he said through gritted teeth.

"No," I said with a shake of my head. "I don't know about what you go through because you won't talk to me. Jacob does. I know all about him. I know how he does just enough damage so he could play it off as just a teenage boy getting in fights at school for any welfare visits. But I don't know anything about what it's like for you. All Jacob says is that you usually get the worst of it. But I've seen the damage done to him. I've never known what it's like for you. I shared mine, you share yours. No bullshit," I reminded him.

"You want to know how bad it is for me. You want details? You want to see it?" he shouted at me as he stood, his hair brushing against the roof of the tree house. He lifted his shirt over his head and threw it at me. I reacted quickly and caught it. When I was able to look at him more tears pooled in my eyes. His fists were clenched at his sides, his muscles held tight. His breaths came in short quick pants. He lowered his eyes and looked away from me. He had the tell tale bruises that Jacob had. All in varying colors and levels of healing. I was prepared to see that. What I wasn't prepared for were the scars. There were so many scars. Some of which looked like old cigarette burns.

I couldn't find the right words to express myself. I wanted to apologize for making him show me. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was for his situation. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to take it all away. I wanted him to know that I understood. I knew how much pain he was in. But all I could do was move closer to him and reach out to him. He smacked my hands away. "Don't touch me!" he shouted and began to tremble as he collapsed into the far corner. "You want to know why I spend so much time with Tanya? I do it because she has her own scars. She doesn't care if we fuck with our clothes on."

"I'm sorry," I was finally able to say. I crawled over to him slowly that time he didn't reject me when I wrapped my arms around him. And we stayed like that until we both cried ourselves dry.


	8. 07: You May Have Lost the Battle

**Chapter 7**

**You May Have Lost the Battle**

_We don't have a reason to go back anymore._ The words echoed inside my head. They carried so much meaning. No, we didn't have a reason to come back anymore but I would never be able to let it go. This place is a part of me. I see it everyday when I close my eyes. Though I may not come back and visit to see where I grew up I will never be able to let it go. I still go back in my mind. I will always go back. No matter where I go, this is the place that made me.

XXXXXXXXXX

Even after we were both in control of our emotions again we sat completely still and quiet. My head rested against his chest, his fingers knotting through my hair. There was so much to say between the two of us but the fact that we didn't need to say them was probably a bigger statement about our friendship. "This is it," I said softly taking a long drink. "This is the proof that we need to go to the cops. I'll get Charlie. There is no way that your dad can deny this," I said, waving my hand at his chest. "Bruises are one thing. But these scars," I trailed off as my voice cracked. "Jesus! Why didn't you tell me?"

Edward crawled away from me. "No," he said with a shake of his head. "Not happening. I've told you before. No cops."

Yeah," I interrupted him. "Before he would have been able to deny it. He might have gotten away with it. That would have just made it worse but this..."

"It's not just that. It's not safe. It's never been safe." He settled down across from me and looked out the window. "We were young the first time it happened. It was just an occasional thing that we could deal with. Yeah, it got worse but then a two years ago it got bad. He was violent at times just for the hell of it. He would sneak into my room and wake me up by pressing his cigarette into my flesh. If I cried he beat me and if I didn't he would sometimes go away. Sometimes he would pull out a knife and make threats. Very rarely did he cut me, just if I acted out really. Sometimes I would wake up and he would be standing in the doorway just staring at us. Sometimes he would have a gun, sometimes he would have a knife sometimes it was just him. I tried to talk to mom about it but you know how that goes. She was a beaten woman by then." He paused to take a drink and light a cigarette.

"One day your dad came over right after his shift. It was dark and it was late and I have no idea what he wanted. But none of that matters. What matters is the fact that my dad was in the middle of one of his worst episodes and your dad, a cop, walked up to the door and knocked. My dad freaked the fuck out. He was sure he was coming for him. He grabbed his gun and he held it to each and every one of us and promised to kill us all if anything happened. His gun was loaded and cocked and ready. And the look in his eyes. He meant it. He held the gun up to my mother's head and I had to get rid of your dad before my dad got impatient and killed my mother. It didn't get any better after your dad left. He kept that gun out. He wouldn't let anyone move. He wouldn't lower the gun, he was just waiting for one of us to make a wrong move. It was like he _wanted _to do it." I brushed away the tears that I didn't even know I was crying. "He wanted to kill us, Bella. And from that moment on I could see it in his eyes. One day he was going to kill us all."

I didn't know how to respond to that. I don't think there is a way to respond to that so I stayed quiet and waited for Edward to say something. "He made a promise. If another cop ever shows up again. He will finish it. He will kill us all. And that's not something I can risk. I can't have blood on my hands."

We were quiet for a minute before I broke the silence. "That's why we have to leave," It came out barely above a whisper.

"Don't you get it. If any of us were to leave, he would kill the rest of us before anyone could come looking for answers. He's promised us that."

"Everybody leaves. There is no one left to die."

He just smirked and laughed, flicking his cigarette out to the grass below. "My mom will never leave. She's going to die in that house."

"Just because she wants to doesn't mean you should have to. You have to leave. I can't have your blood on my hands either. I can't just wait around for him to kill you. I always knew it was a possibility. But after what you just told me... You think I can just sit back and wait for him to make good on his promise? You are fucking crazy."

Edward just shrugged. "It's not a big deal. Things are under control right now. We'll graduate soon and get the hell out of there."

"Please," I begged him.

"Bella, come on. Let's just enjoy this night away from it all. No more about this shit."

"Tomorrow," I said. "I will give you a free pass tonight. But we settle this tomorrow." He nodded in agreement. "I need to hear you say it. I need you to promise me."

"Fine, we do this tomorrow. But tonight is all about fun."

"If it's fun you want," I said grabbing his hand and helping him to his feet.

"Not really feeling a party," Edward dropped his hand from mine and ran his fingers through his messy hair.

I ignore him and grab his hands again. "Do you think I feel like a party? We agreed that the rest of the night is about us and fun and I have a brilliant idea."

I lead him through the small patch of woods and came up into a neighbors yard. It's nice the live in an area where your neighbors are far away and even if they weren't they wouldn't be visible through the thick woods. "Now what?" he asked as I stopped walking and dropped his hands. I didn't respond, I just stripped off my shirt and pants quickly. I wasn't ashamed to let Edward see my body, I've seen his scars and he's seen mine. I wasn't even ashamed that I wasn't wearing a matching bra and panties set. I looked over my shoulder and could see Edward's eyes riveted to my body. His breathing hitches as he took in my body. "Not that I'm complaining but..."

"Shut up, Edward. Let it go and just go with it." I could see the gate leading to the pool steps was locked so I pulled myself up onto the side of the pool and jumped in. "Come on in, the waters fine." He reached for the hem of his shirt but hesitated. "Don't worry," I said softly knowing he didn't want to show off his scars. "They're on vacation. They asked Charlie to do some patrols by the house and keep an eye on it. We're completely alone. And you've already bared yourself to me." He pulled his shirt over his head and I resisted the urge to look away. I didn't want him to feel any more awkward about it than he already did. I dipped my head under the water to distract myself from the feelings of guilt that were welling up inside of me at the sight of his scars. I cried enough already and I didn't want Edward to see me cry any more tears because of him. This life had been hard enough on him without me making it worse. I surfaced from the water and he hadn't moved at all. His pants were sill on. I swam across the pool waiting for him to join me. "Come on, you can't be thinking about swimming in a pair of jeans. Or not swimming at all, it's hot as balls out here." I allowed myself to float on my back and searched the sky for stars. It was a dark night, the stars all hidden behind the clouds. Disappointed, I stood again.

"And you know how hot balls are?" he arched an eyebrow.

"I think we both know that I am far from a virgin. Now come on, what's taking so long?" I called after him, pulling myself up the side of the pool to give him my annoyed look. The night air was cool on my wet skin and it felt amazing. I always loved the way that a cool summer breeze felt against my bare flesh. Late at night I loved to sit outside my window in as little clothes as possible. On the occasional night I would be brazen enough to sit out completely naked and feel the wind against parts of my body that never get to experience that kind of fresh air. It's one of the best feelings in the world.

"I just need a minute," he called out as he looked away from me.

"Don't be a pussy. Come on." I pulled off my wet bra, craving to feel the summer breeze on more of my skin. I threw it out of the pool and it hit the grass with a loud plop. That got Edward's attention again and his eyes grew wide as he took in the sight of my bare breasts. I didn't bother to cover them up. He'd seen them before, probably many times.

"Oh, fuck, Bella." Edward looked away from me his cheeks turning a bright shade of red. "You are not helping me out at all." He shuffled his feet awkwardly and fussed with the buckle on his pants but he didn't pull them down. Then I got it. A giant smile crept onto my face and I let out a laugh. Even though we were both far from virgin territory and we had slept together before the sight of my bare breasts still had him all excited. "Really?" I chuckled softly.

"I'm seventeen, you should be surprised when I'm not hard," He defended himself, brushing his fingers through his hair only to have the wind whip it wild again.

"Don't worry about it. I've already seen it all before. I'm not scared. Get in." He raised his brow in question. "Maybe I can even help you out with it," I teased as I sank under the water again and swam across the length of the pool. I heard a splash as Edward finally dove into the water. He kept his distance from me, keeping as much of his body under the water as he could. "You don't have to be ashamed," I said swimming closer to him. I reached under the water and pressed my hand against his scarred skin. He tried to pull away but I wouldn't let him. "I don't want you to hide from me again. My scars might not show on the outside, but they're there."

Edward grabbed my left hand and held it up between us, both of our eyes settled on the small scar on my wrist. "Not all of your scars are hidden," his voice was barely over a whisper as he spoke. The pads of his thumbs brushed against the faint scar on my wrist. One that I kept hidden from everyone or at least I thought I did. I stared at him in shock. My mouth feel open and I wanted to speak. I wanted to deny it or explain it but the words refused to come. "I can read you like a book, Bella." He brought my wrist up to his lips and placed a soft kiss over the old scar. "I could tell something was wrong before you did it. But in our lives something is always wrong so I didn't think you would try to...kill yourself," he finished in a whisper, afraid to say it too loud. "But I noticed it right away. You wore a sweatshirt in the summer and you were careful to only use your right hand, there were so many other little tells you had. I didn't know the details, I didn't need to. I could see the pain and I was terrified that I wasn't able to stop you. That I couldn't take the pain away from you before it was too late. I was so scared that I came so close to losing you." He paused and let my hand drop into the water. His eyes met mine and held them in an intense stare. "But I could also see something else. You changed. You had some fight in you after that. You tried to give up but realized you still wanted to fight before it was too late. And I was so fucking glad you changed your mind because I don't know if I would have made it without you. That night was one of the last times we had a camp out in the tree house just the two of us. You didn't want to but I forced your hand. I didn't want you to be alone in case you changed your mind. I wanted to know that I needed you. I still need you."

By then tears were falling down and I didn't bother wiping them away. Edward brought his hands to my face and his thumbs gently brushed away the tears. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"For what?" I asked, my voice cracking slightly. "You have always been my knight in shinning armor." 

"If I was, you wouldn't have gotten hurt."

"You didn't know about Phil." I argued.

"Not just Phil. Everything since then. You tried to kill yourself and I wasn't there to stop you. I should have known."

I wanted to argue but I knew it was useless. Edward was like me he loved to give himself a hard time even when it wasn't deserved. I laughed off the tears and pulled away from him and splashed some water at him. "I thought this was supposed to be about fun." I reminded him.

"I know. But I somehow always make you cry. I can never apologize enough for that."

"Stop. If it weren't for you I would have killed myself. But I had something to live for. I had you and I had Jacob and you needed me as much as I needed you. I couldn't give up on you. It's why I want you to run away with us so bad. I can't just leave you behind. I never was able to."

"Happy thoughts," he said splashing water at me.

"Happy thoughts," I echoed. "Remember the first time you tried to sneak into my room?" I let out a laugh.

He swam away from me and laughed. My shoe got caught between the branches and I couldn't get free."

Hearing him say it out loud made me laugh even harder. "How long were you stuck for?"

"It felt like forever. It took forever to throw a tree branch perfectly at your window and get it loud enough for you to hear it."

"But not before you pissed yourself," I laughed so hard that I doubled over and tears fell from my eyes.

"Remember the time that you got so drunk that you pissed yourself while you were sitting on Emmett's lap," he was barely able to speak through his laughter. "He fucking threw you in the air so high."

"I was so high. I didn't even notice I had cut my head open on a rock until I showered and it hurt like hell and looked like a murder scene as all the blood washed down the drain. But it was a good night."

"We do have some good nights," he reminded me.

"We have a lot of good nights," I responded. "We could have a lot more. Leave with us. Every night could be like that."

"Tomorrow. You promised we wouldn't do this until tomorrow." I nodded in agreement and let the subject drop. "Remember the time we skipped school and went to the beach at La Push. Jacob tried to surf and failed miserably. I tried to teach you to fish."

He laughed at the memory. "A fisherman I am not." There was a long pause between us before he looked into my eyes. "A storm started to roll in but we didn't want to call it a day just yet so we huddled on the beach and watched the storm come in from over the water. We didn't even talk. We just passed around cigarettes and just watched."

"It was beautiful." I said thinking back to the day.

"Yes, it was. But it wasn't the beach that had me captivated that day." He stopped, leaving me hanging for him to finish. "It was you. That was that day that I realized how much I needed you. Being around you, no matter if we were doing nothing at all let me forget about all the shit going on in my life. I didn't think about work, school or my dad or anything else. I didn't want to drink. I didn't want to smoke a bowl or worse. All I wanted to do was to freeze time and stay out of that beach with you."

Our eyes locked and suddenly the world melted away. I didn't hear the sound of the crickets or the wind chimes as the wind gusted. I couldn't feel the wind against my bare flesh or my hair whipping wild. I couldn't feel the resistance of the water as I slowly walked closer to him. Nothing else existed in the world except for me and Edward. We stared into each other's eyes as if we were searching for all the answers of the universe before we finally crashed together. I jumped into his waiting arms and suddenly my body was awake again. Our mouths crashed together in a furry of hungry kisses. I wrapped my legs around his waist and I felt his hands fall to my bottom as he pressed me farther into his hardened member. I shamelessly ground my hips against him bringing the whisper of a moan out of both of us. We didn't stop, we didn't pull away. It felt like I didn't need to breath because he was breathing life into me. He walked us across the length of the pool until my back hit the side of the pool. As he kept me pinned against the side of the pool, his hands wandered all over my body and my hands explored his. My fingers moved across his scarred skin like a blind woman trying to read the story of his life in Braille. I wanted to memorize every mark, every line. I wanted to remember this moment forever. Because it was one of those moments Edward and I aways seemed to share. Sometimes it was just the two of us against the world. This was one of those moments time stood still for us and waited for us to release our worries and fears before being thrown back out into the harsh realities of the world.

And all too soon the world caught up to us. Thunder boomed and lightning crashed and we pulled away from each other in a startled instant. I hadn't even realized that it had started raining. Our eyes stayed locked on one another as we let our breathing slow down. Neither one of us moved an inch until another clap of thunder made us jump. It was quickly followed by another jarring bolt of lighting. "We should get out of here," he said softly, his eyes finally leaving mine. "Before we get electrocuted or something." I nodded and walked to the side of the pool and he helped me over and followed closely behind. I put my shirt back on and carried my pants and soaked bra. Edward didn't bother dressing again as he followed me through the woods and back up the ladder to the tree house.

We settled into opposite corners of the tree house and our eyes met and our breathing hitched. The time stands still moment had passed but my body was still ready and the bulge in Edward's boxers let me know that he was still very much ready. I crawled across the floor and pressed my lips to his. The kiss didn't compare to the one we shared before. It was slow and it was gentle. His fingers wound through my hair as I climbed into my lap and pressed himself against him again. I reached between us and slipped my hands under the waistband of his boxers and his muscles stiffened. He pulled away from me and held my hands into my lap. "We shouldn't do this," he whispered out of breath.

"Why not?" I smirked. "We are both ready."

"Ready doesn't mean we should."

"You don't want to sleep with me?" I climbed out of his lap, trying not to let my face show my disappointment.

"No," he chuckled. "I think you can obviously tell that I want to fuck you so bad right now. But we shouldn't. We're friends. We shouldn't fuck that up."

I shrugged. "Me and Jacob are doing all right."

At the mention of his foster brother's name he tense again. "No, you aren't. If you were you wouldn't be jumping me. You'd be all over him. He's madly in love with you. And you're in denial."

I settle back into the corner and watch as rain water drips through the cracks in the old tree house. "He doesn't love me. He thinks he loves me. Sex doesn't mean love. He'll grow up and understand that one day."

"You don't know what he's feeling. What if he does love you. It would be easy to fall in love with you," he says softly and looks at me through his eyelashes.

I couldn't hold back a roaring laugh. "Me? Easy to fall in love with? It's like you don't even know me," I argued.

"No," he says harshly. "It's because I _do _know you." He meets my gaze again. "Outsiders might not see it. But I can see it. And I bet he can to. You think you're so damaged and broken but you're wrong. You are stronger than you think. You're life isn't easy but you didn't give up. And no matter what is going on with you, you will always be there for us. You are willing to sacrifice everything you have for us. How could you not fall in love with someone like that?"

My heart races at his words and I can feel the beginning of a panic attack coming on that I try to suppress. I purse my lips for a second, deep in thought. "Are you trying to tell me that you love me?" I ask softly.

This time it's Edward's laugh that interrupts the silence. "Like you said, what do we know about love? We're not ready for love. One day. But not today."

I let out a heavy sigh of relief. "Glad we got that all cleared up. Let's forget about love and concentrate on the sex part of it. Since we are both educated in love and sex and the differences between I think we can handle this." I crawl up to him again and press my lips to his. This time there is more heat to. I can feel his body responding but still he gently pushes me away.

"I still don't think we should. We might know the differences in sex and love but..."

"But nothing. Shut up and fuck me." I pull my shirt over my head and throw it away from me. I press myself against his hard chest and kiss him again.

He lowers me onto my back on the wooden floor and breaks away from my kiss and smirks at me. "I'm still not going to fuck you."

"Come on," I whine. "I'm so fucking horny right now. I buck my hips up against his and he closes his eyes and moans. "And so are you."

"You are my best friend. And we've been down this road before. If we make a habit out of this it's going to become more. With the intense history that we have it would be easy for us. We've shared so much together already. We've openly shared secrets with each other that we can't even think about telling anyone else. I told you that it would be easy to fall in love with you. We've shared so much together that I would fall for you. And I would fall hard. I wouldn't be like Jacob. I couldn't settle on just friendship. I'm an all or nothing kind of guy."

I shimmy my panties down and toss them away. "I'm giving all of myself to you right now." I suck in my bottom lip and look at him, my eyes pleading with his.

"And it is incredibly hard to resist." I buck my hips against his again when he says hard and his voice starts to falter. "But if we go there and do this again. There is no going back. I can fuck Tanya and not worry about falling in love because we don't have a relationship. Literally all we do is smoke and fuck. But you... I already have a relationship with you. You are my best friend. If we start this I don't think I would be able to stop myself from falling in love with you. I'm halfway there already," he admits softly while breaking our eye contact. He sits up and lies beside me. I didn't bother to cover my nakedness, I wasn't ashamed of my body. He had already seen it and I had shamelessly begged him for sex already. I moved myself so that my head is sticking out of the tree house and Edward follows suit.

The rain continued but the thunder and lightning died down. The wind was still howling and it whipped into the tree house and across my naked body. I arched my back as my nipples hardened to points. Not as good as sex but still a great feeling. I rolled onto my side and smiled at Edward. "Get naked."

"Didn't we just go through this. I'm not having sex with you."

I rolled my eyes. "I know. This time it's not about sex." He raised a brow in question but he finally removed his wet boxers. I tried not to concentrate too hard on his erection but I could feel the heat building between my legs again. "Just trust me." I sat up and moved to the edge of the tree house into the doorway allowing my legs to dangle over the side out into the open. I grabbed a bottle of Jack, took a nice long drink and patted the space beside me and Edward quickly filled the space. "Close your eyes," I commanded.

We sat in silence for awhile, silently passing the whiskey back and forth between us before Edward spoke. "So what am I supposed to be doing?"

"Just relax and enjoy the moment. We don't stop and do that enough."

"Can't I do that with my clothes on?"

I shrugged and opened my eyes to look at him. "We could but then you'd miss out on the best part." He arched a brow in question. "Doesn't it feel amazing to feel the summer breeze against your skin." He looked at me like he wanted to argue but thought better of it. "Sure you could do it with all of your clothes on, or with some of your clothes on but there is something about feeling the wind reach places that is always hidden, that no one gets to see. This makes my body feel free which helps my mind feel more free." I turn away from him as another strong gust of wind blows in our faces. "Now let go and try to enjoy it."

The bottle kept being passed between us and it didn't take long for the alcohol to catch up to me. My mind was cloudy in a familiar way and my body was buzzing from the whiskey and the wind. After a minute Edward laughs beside me. "Alright, I admit it. It does feel kind of amazing."

"Does it turn you on at all?" I smirk and couldn't keep my eyes from wandering to check.

"Everything turns me on. But I'm still not fucking you."

"Really?" I pouted. "Not even when we're drinking?"

"It wouldn't be fair to either one of us." He takes a deep breath. "It wouldn't mean the same thing for me as it did for you."

"Fine. I'll let it go," I grumbled taking another long drink. This continued for a long time and the cloudiness in my head only got worse. I was drunk. I took a drink of whiskey and spilled half of it down my naked front and laughed it off as I passed the bottle back to Edward. The bottle went right between his fingers and fell to the grass below. I wasn't the only one who was drunk. "Way to go, asshole," I said smacking him upside the head. "Now we don't have anything left to drink."

"We sure do," he said with a smirk. He then leaned into me and his tongue swirled around my belly button and trailed a path up my stomach, between my breasts, up my neck and ended up with a quick kiss on my lips. Our eyes locked and again the world around us crumbled and time stood still for us. I stayed still and waited for him to make the first move. I could tell he wanted to, he became instantly hard and his breathing and heart rate picked up but he didn't move a muscle. I sucked on lower lip ready to give up on the moment when Edward spoke. "You have no idea," he said, his fingers brushing through my hair and caressing my cheeks. He brought his face close to mine, our noses touching but he refused to kiss me.

"Jesus fucking Christ!" The real world smacked us in the face real hard as Jacob called out from the ground below soaking wet from the storm. The pain was clear in his eyes. So was the anger. Edward and I pulled away in an instant and we both scrambled for clothes. Jacob had explored every inch of my body already but I was suddenly very aware and ashamed of my nakedness. "This is why you fucking blow me off?" he shouts at me. "So you could fuck my brother? Edward? My brother? My fucking brother? What the fuck, Bella."

"We weren't fucking," Edward argued as he descended the ladder already fully clothed while I only had time to find my shirt and panties. As soon as he is in Jacob's reach, he pulls him off the ladder and shoves him to the ground. Jacob allows Edward to get back up to his feet before he punches him right in the jaw. 

"Stop it!" I scream, trying to make it down the ladder as fast as possible. "Jake, that's enough. Let him go!"

My feet hit the ground as Jacob took another swing at Edward but he was able to block it. "You couldn't let me have this one thing? You just couldn't help but fuck my girlfriend?"

"I'm not your girlfriend!" I shout and finally get in between them. "We had a no strings attached agreement. Just because you want more doesn't mean-"

"She's not your possession. You can't tell her what to do, Jake. No one can. She has her own mind let her make it up. She's our best friend. You can't force her to love you or to stop loving someone else. If you really did love her you would understand that," Edward shouted at his brother. And that set Jacob off. He lunged at Edward, his elbow hit me right in the temple as he took another swing at Edward. I saw stars for a moment as I fell to the ground. I watched in slow motion as Edward his Jacob back, knocking him to the ground. He mounted him and let a flurry of punches go as he shouted at him. "Don't you fucking hit her! Don't ever lay another hand on her again!"

"Stop it," I tried to interject but my voice was too weak. "I'm fine. It was an accident." I got to my feet and wobbled, probably more from being drunk than anything. The world started spinning so I sat down on the ground and kept trying to yell and get them to stop but no one paid any attention to me anymore. They were both back on their feet grappling now.

"Don't you see what you're doing to her?" Edward shouted. "Don't you see how much your hurting her?"

"You think you know her so much better than me?" Jacob yells as he pushes Edward off of him. "She chose me! I know her body inside and out the same as she knows mine. You will never know her like that."

"There is so much more to her than just her body. What do you actually know about her anymore? Do you remember her favorite color? Do you know what her favorite song is when she's sad? Do you even bother to talk to her anymore or do you just want to fuck her all the time?"

They continued to scuffle, punches were thrown and they continued to push each other until they lost their footing in the rain dampened mud fell to the ground, right on top of me. There was a sickening pop then pain that felt like fire through my right arm. Their fighting match stopped the moment my screams finally pulled them out of their rage. They turned to each other and looked like they wanted to start fighting again over who's fault it was. "Stop it!" I screamed. "You guys are both assholes!" I shouted, getting to my feet. My right arm was definitely broken and I let it hand limply at my side. "What the fuck happened to us? We're supposed to be best friends and all were doing here is fucking yelling and fighting! Over what? Me? I'm not worth it! And I'm a big girl I can decide how I want to live my life without you guys fighting over what is best for me. I don't give a shit! I just wanted to hang out with one of my best friends today. No reason to flip the fuck out, Jake! I can't believe that this is what we've come to." I cradled my right arm into my chest as I turned my back to them and started to walk back to the house. "I'm not going to be the reason that the best thing we all have in our lives falls apart." I couldn't help but look back at them over my shoulder. I wanted to look angry but I couldn't force it. I didn't have anything left in me. I wasn't angry. I wasn't sad. I was tired. I was defeated. I was lost without my compass again. I needed them like they needed me. We were all broken without each other to help hold us together. "You guys are the only good thing I have left in my life. Don't ruin this."

"Fuck!" I hear Edward curse loudly as I turned away.

Jacob jogged up to me and wrapped his arm around me. I shrugged him off. "He's right you know. You don't own me."

"I'm sorry I lost my shit back there," Jacob says with a sigh. "I know you wouldn't fuck Edward. He's practically your brother. But it was shocking as hell to see you naked and so close. I should take you to the hospital. Your arms probably broken."

We both had enough experience with broken bones to know one when we see it. "It is. But I got it. I really need you to leave me alone. You need to figure yourself out. I'm _not _your girlfriend. I am your friend that you like to fuck. Get that right in your head before I see you again. I don't have the energy to keep repeating myself to you. Now please let me be alone."

"Let me take you to the hospital at least," Jacob says.

"Go away," I growled. I turned around to face the pair again. "I mean it. I don't want to see either of you fuckers for awhile. Go home and calm the fuck down. And I swear to god if you guys continue this fight at home I will hurt you in ways you never thought you'd be hurt. No excuses. I swear to fucking god. I am in no mood for this shit! Figure yourselves out and when thing can go back to fucking normal then maybe I will feel like talking to you again. We're friends. Best fucking friends. Let's act like it for fucks sake."

"I texted Alice, she's on her way to take you to the hospital," Edward shouted at me still sitting in the mud. His lip is bleeding and he might have a black eye it's hard to see the damage through all the mud and darkness. "She's spending the night with you. You shouldn't be alone."

"She's got the party," I argued. "I can take care of myself. I've been doing it for years.

"Fuck the party," Edward yelled. "You don't have to be the only one to make sacrifices for others. Let your friends help you out. We fucking love you. And we fucking need you. Don't ever forget that again." We were all quiet for a moment before spoke again. "And Bella, you should probably clean yourself up. You look like shit." I look down at myself and I couldn't agree more. I am soaked to the bone and covered in mud. And I'm drunk and can't find my pants. If only Charlie could see me now. I look back at Edward and despite everything he smirks at me. I return his smile and stumble inside my house.


	9. 08: No Grave Can Hold My Body Down

**Chapter 8**

**No Grave Can Hold My Body Down**

"I always knew this day would come," I whisper just to break the silence. "But I never thought it would be so hard." He knelt on the ground beside me and rubbed my back in slow circles. "Once upon a time, I thought I would never see him again and I was okay with that. But now," I stopped unable to finish as my voice cracked and disappeared. Tears streamed down my face no matter how hard I fought them back.

"It's not easy to lose someone you love," he sighed and looked across the yard to the abandoned house. My tears turned to sobs.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

As soon as my bones were set and my cast was finished I texted a simple message to both of my best friends. _pls txt me every night and every morning 2 let me know u r ok other than that i don't care leave me alone._ I couldn't completely ignore them as much as I wanted. They were my best friends and I still worried. Especially with all I knew about Edward and his dad now. I couldn't forget that. I would set aside my silly little grudge if things got too bad for them. But so far their house seemed oddly quiet and that scared me more than anything. I couldn't help but think that it was the calm before the storm.

They did more than just the mornings and night. They texted and called nonstop. They texted me repeatedly issuing their apologies, begging for forgiveness and even simply reaching out with a simple 'hello' or 'I love you'. They had stopped by my house and I had ignored them each and every time. And for the first time in pretty much forever, I had my window closed and locked. I barricaded myself in my house for 4 days and allowed myself to wallow in self pity.

But mostly I just wanted to be alone. All of my life I had never really learned to be alone. First it was my parents, they were my rock. They provided for me and they comforted me and kept me safe. When my mother betrayed me that changed. Sure Charlie never did anything wrong but I had a difficult time trusting my parents at all. So I leaned on Jacob and Edward. We were inseparable. We did everything together. I was hardly ever alone. Most nights we camped out together in the tree house or they snuck into my room. Lately it was mostly Jacob that I leaned on. He stayed with me every night. But after the fight ago I realized I we needed a break. We needed to learn how to live on our own. Or at least I did. I couldn't continue to rely on them. If I did then they were right, in part they owned me. If I couldn't function on my own and needed them as desperately as I did, didn't they have a say in my life. If I gave my life over to them, of course they thought they knew what was best for me.

So I ignored every text, every call, every visit. Until at last one of them got smart up and walked into the diner. It wasn't easy waiting tables with a broken arm but I was desperate for the money. Even if I was taking a break from the boys it didn't mean I had given up on them. I still needed to get them both to run away with me. And to do that we needed money. Edward settled into the corner booth and didn't take his eyes off me until I finally greeted him. "What can I get for you?

"Your forgiveness?" he said softly unable to met my eye.

"Out of stock," I replied.

"How are you?" he asked, pointing at my cast.

"I've been worse," I said with a shrug. "And you? How are you?" 

"I've been worse," he echoed my response.

"No, tell me." I sit beside across from him thankful that this was the long lull between breakfast and lunch. "I've been freaking the fuck out. I'm so worried about your dad and what he's going to do to you. I can't stop thinking about it. Wondering and worrying. How long can this go on before it's too late?" My eyes filled with tears and I tried to wipe them away before they could fall. I do not need to be crying at work. "To see what he's already done to you and knowing that things aren't just going to get better. They'll only get worse."

"They're not. He's been alright the past few nights. It's not bad. Nothing I can't handle."

"I'm not mad at you," I said softly. "I never was. I needed a few days. I needed some time to myself. Seeing you guys fighting over me... that was too much. We're supposed to be the three musketeers, together forever. But watching you guys fight over what you thought was best for me."

"I was drunk," Edward explained. "He started the fight and out of instinct I fought back."

"You don't need to explain it to me. Things are bad right now. Tension is at an all time high and it's not going to get better. But I don't want this to tear us apart. I want us to all stay together. Like we promised. I want the three of us to be okay. I want us to go away and start over. Pretend like all this shit never happened. Pretend to be normal and maybe one day we actually will be."

Edward nodded. "We can do that. I've been thinking about it and you're right. What we're doing here isn't living. It never really was."

"You're not just saying that because you think that's what I want to hear. Please don't lie to me about this. I can't live like this any longer. I can't keep hoping and praying that your dad isn't going to make good on his promise. It's been driving me crazy."

"I know. I should have never told you."

"No!" I shouted. "You should have told me sooner. No lies. No bullshit. Isn't that our deal." The door chimes as a mother with two children walks in. I wipe away my tears and try to compose myself. "I have to go. I'll call you after work. Jacob too. We need to have a talk." I walked away and tried to get my head back into work.

I have never made so many mistakes in my life but my mind was everywhere else. After dropping a try filled with drinks for the second time my shift, my manager took pity on me and sent me home early.

On my way home I got a text from Alice about another party at the lot. I texted the boys and told them to meet me there. I was already halfway drunk and in a deep conversation with Alice when the boys walked up. We stared at each other for a long tense minute before I stood and ran to them, wrapping them up into a group hug. I hadn't been apart from them for that long ever. "We good?" I asked.

"We're good," they responded in unison.

Edward let go first and left to get a drink. "I missed the fuck out of you," Jacob said breathing in deeply and smelling my hair. "Don't leave me like that again."

I pulled away from him and looked him straight in the eye. "I have no intention of leaving you again. But we needed a break. I don't want to start another fight but I've made myself very clear, Jake. This thing between us isn't really a thing. We're friends. We might hook up a lot. But we're not dating. You're welcome to date anyone you want. You can sleep with whoever you want."

"I don't want-"

"Let me finish. I really like what we have going on. I don't want to stop. But I will if you can't handle it. If you need more than just sex and a friend then this isn't going to work. We'll go back to just being friends. Because I can't lose that. I can stop sleeping with you but I can't lose your friendship."

"Understood," he said, placing his hands in his jeans pockets. "I can live with that. I can't live without you."

"How are you?"

He laughed at me. "I should be asking you that. I broke your fucking arm."

I shrugged. "No, I fell out of the tree house. I'm far too clumsy for my own good."

"I'm sorry," he said. "You know I never meant to hurt you."

"I know and don't be sorry. Shit happens. That's just how our lives work, one giant mess after another. But we're going to change that." Edward returned with three cans of beers I took mine and sipped mine slowly. It suddenly didn't feel like a heavy drinking night. I knew my time with my friends was drawing to a close and I wanted to be able to remember as much of the good times as I could.

We all gathered around the bonfire passing around drinks and joints and exchanging stories with our closes friends. As the sun set the crowd started to thin a little. Rosalie and Emmett disappeared inside the house. Jessica drank too much too fast and was vomiting in bushes. Others simply walked away and didn't come back. Edward went on another beer run and Jacob grabbed my hand and led me away. He used the light of his phone to lead the way. I could tell this was going to be serious when he pulled me all the way down to the river, no one went down there anymore since Mike Newton got drunk and fell in almost drowning. We settled on to an old driftwood. Jacob turned to me but he didn't start the deep conversation I was expecting, instead he pressed his lips to mine. I don't want to lie, I was horny but I was annoyed that after our fight he didn't even want to talk to me. I pulled away from him and he smirked at me. "I missed you so much."

"I missed you too."

"Then why did you ignore me for so long?" He intertwined his fingers with mine.

"I had to. I had to be alone for a little while. You needed to cool off and-"

"And I know that I need to stop thinking about you as my girlfriend but I can't help it. This is how a relationship works. Two people who like each other hang out all the time."

"That's also what friends do," I remind him.

"Friends don't have sex."

"Some do," I argue. "And if you want to stop having sex all you have to do is say so." I smirked at him.

He laughed and leaned in, kissing me again. "Never," he whispered into my ear as he brought his lips to my neck. His hands came to my breasts and he gently massaged them.

"Don't you think we should, you know... talk?" I asked as his kissed down my collar bone. His hands snaked down my body and under the elastic of my yoga pants and because he knows my body almost as well as I do he instantly found my spot and I was lost. "Oh, fuck!" I cursed. "Talking is overrated." And we quickly fell into old habits.

A half an hour later we were dressed and lying on the rocks using the driftwood as a pillow. Jacob had dirt covering most of his clothes and body and I'm sure I looked the same but with way worse sex hair. But it's not like it wasn't obvious what we were doing anyway. We both passed a cigarette between us and I texted Edward asking him to met us. It was time.

Edward was there within ten minutes offering us an unopened bottle of cheap vodka. He sat on a rock opposite me and Jacob. "I see you two have kissed and made up," his voice sounded a little annoyed.

"Told you," Jacob said with a smirk before he took the vodka from me and drank. "Me and Bella have nothing to worry about."

There was along awkward silence between the tree of us before I finally spoke up. "So we need to do this. And we need to do it now before I go crazy." They just stared at me and waited for me to continue. "No one else has anything to say?"

"I don't even know what we are talking about," Jacob finally said.

"Leaving, asshole!" I shouted at him and I took the vodka back and drank. Fuck trying to stay sober, I needed to fucking drink. "You need to get out of that house before Edward's dad makes good on his promise to kill you all."

"You told her?" Jacob yelled as he stood.

"I couldn't believe you didn't. You share fucking everything with her," Edward defended himself.

"Not that. She can't know things like that. You can't scare her like that."

"She's right fucking here," I chimed in offering Edward some vodka but he shook his head in refusal. "And you do need to tell me these things. I knew shit was bad but not like that. How could you have kept this a secret from me for so long. I thought we shared everything," I sighed meeting Jacob's eyes. I could hear Edward snicker behind me and I turned to glare at him. "I'm not a child. You don't have to protect me from the harsh realities of the real world. But if we are going to be in this together, you actually have to include me. Now are we going to do this or not?" 

"I'm in," Edward said, lighting another cigarette.

"Since when?" Jacob responded.

"When she's right, she's right." He shrugged casually.

"So we do this now before it's too late. I have some money saved up for this. I have a car that can get us out of town and we can sell it for some more money. I don't have much to take and honestly I've had an emergency bag packed just for this so I'm ready tonight. I can't wait around any longer. This happens now."

"You don't want to say goodbye to Charlie?" Edward asks.

I shake my head. "It's better if I don't. It will be easier if we just disappear without a trace."

"Best way to do it," Jacob agreed.

"You really don't want anyone to know anything?" Edward arched his eyebrow at me. "You just want to disappear? No note or anything? That'll destroy Charlie and our friends. You have to leave them something behind to let them know that your okay. Let them know that it wasn't there fault. I don't want you to go away with any guilt."

"I'm good," I said firmly. "If I start with the goodbyes... I don't want anyone or anything to be able to change my mind. We have to do this. I can't wait around for someone to die. I'm too scared to sleep." I tried and failed to hold back the tears. "I keep watch on your house and every little noise I hear has me in a panic and I wonder if maybe I never get to see you again. It's killing me inside and I can't do it anymore."

"Don't worry, baby," Jacob said wrapping his arms around me. "Nothing is going to happen to us. I'm going to take care of you."

"She doesn't need you to take care of her," Edward spat at his brother. "She's been taking care of herself just fine for years."

"And what would you know about it?" Jacob snapped back. "You haven't been around lately."

"No, I have been. I've always been here for Bella and I always will be. Are you really here for her or are you just in it for the sex."

"I fucking love Bella," Jacob shouted as he stood up and closed the distance between them but I ran and got in between them. They glared into each other's eyes with rage boiling over. "You want to judge me for fucking the woman that I love. What about your little coke whore? Tanya? You think you're so much better than me but you're not." They were nose to nose, hands clenched into fists at their sides.

"You are _not _doing this again," I screamed at them. "I can not run away with two broken arms!"

Edward finally looked down at me and released a heavy breath. "I'm ready to go whenever you are. Just call me." He turned and walked away.

"Yeah, go run off to fuck Tanya," Jacob yelled at Edward.

"What the fuck was that?" I shouted at Jacob, pushing him with my good arm.

"He started it, implying that I can't take care of you."

"No, you started it by implying that I need you to take care of me. He's right. I can take care of myself but can you? I've been taking care of you for years. I've been dressing your wounds and offering you comfort. I'm the one insisting you leave. I am the one who saved the money and is making the plans. You're just along for the fucking ride." I took a several long drinks of vodka as I glared at Jacob.

He stood still as my words suck in. He opened his mouth to speak but my phone rang and interrupted him. It was Charlie. He only called me for a very important reason so I answered quickly. "What's up?"

"Bella?" It wasn't Charlie's voice. The woman's voice sounded familiar, probably someone he works with but I couldn't place it. She had only said my name, but the way she said it made me shake with fear. She said my name laced with worry and fear but an eerie calmness. It was the cop voice, the same voice my dad put on when he had to deliver bad news to a family.

"Yeah?" I asked my voice dropping low and quiet as my heart raced in panic.

"My name is Sue, I'm a friend of your father's."

"What happened?" I asked, unable to contain my panic any longer. "What's wrong? Where is my dad?" 

"He's in the hospital. He was in an accident."

"I'll be there in ten minutes," I said cutting her off.

"He's not in Forks," she said quickly. "They had to transfer him Harborview." The bottle of vodka slipped through my fingers and shattered on the hard rock below my feet.

My heart stopped beating. Forks Community isn't the best hospital, I had to be transferred to Port Angeles to Olympic Memorial when I had appendicitis. One of the fosters that went through Edward's house once had to go out to Everett to Providence Regional to when they kept suffering from seizures. But no one has had to go all the way out to Seattle to Harborview. "I'm on my way," I said softly and started to run.

"Bella," Jacob called after me. But I didn't have time to respond.

I ran up the hill and past all the people still gathered around the fire. I heard a few people say my name but I only ran harder and faster. I had my keys out and ready when I could see where The Ick was parked before I collided with a dark figure. Searing pain traveled up and down my arm but I was too my feet again in an instant, keys no where in sight. "Fuck!" I cursed and fell to my knees, searching the damp earth with my fingers.

"Bella," Edward said, keeling beside me as the shock started to wear off and the tears began to fall. "What happened?"

I opened my mouth but I couldn't find the words. "Did he hurt you?" He pulled me into his chest and I could smell his deep masculine musk as I fought for air. His voice was serious and the anger was bright in his eyes.

I shook my head frantically. "It's Charlie," I said when I could finally find my voice. "He's at Harborview."

"Oh, fuck!" he cursed loudly, helping me to my feet, keeping his arms wrapped tightly around me. "You can't drive like this. You're upset and from the smell of it, you've drank a half a bottle of vodka. Give me your keys and get into the car."

"I dropped them," I said, pointing to the ground below. He instantly light up his phone and found the keys for me. "I dropped the vodka, it spilled on me. I'm fine. You can-"

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm fucking driving. Get in." He led me to the car and opened the passenger door for me. "You're fucking crazy if you think you're driving like this. You shouldn't be alone right now."

"Bella, what the fuck?" Jacob asked as he finally caught up with me. "Him again?" he whined.

"Charlie's in the fucking hospital." Edward cursed as he ushered me into the car and closed the door.

"I'll take her," Jacob held his hand out for the keys.

"You're drunk," Edward said getting into the drivers seat and starting the car.

"So are you," Jacob argued.

Edward ignored him and started the car. "Get in if you're coming. If not back the fuck up." Jacob quickly got in the backseat and Edward peeled out of the lot.

The first ten minutes of the drive were spent in complete silence. I couldn't help but shed a few tears but at least I wasn't sobbing anymore. But then Jacob opened and had to ruin it. "Take yourself to Tanya. It's where you really want to be right now."

"I want to be with Bella. She needs her friends right now."

"I'm here. I can take care of her. You do whatever it is that you were in such a rush to leave us over before."

The tears were back full force and I couldn't take it any more. I had to interrupt before he could get it started again. "Shut up! Just stop it!" I screamed as I began to hyperventilate with emotion. "I can't deal with you guys right now. I can't break up your fight when I'm trying not to break down myself! I don't know when you guys started hating each other like this. But it has to stop. I can't keep putting myself between you all the time." I put my head between my legs and tried to catch my breath.

Edward reached out across the car and gently stroked my back, trying to offer a little comfort. "No one is fighting," he said through a sigh. "We are both here for you _because _we want to be. Because that's what family does." His hands left my back and he unclipped my seat belt. "Climb in the back with Jacob." I look at him with question but can't speak. "I can't really offer you the hugs you need while driving." He smirked at me and my crying slowed as I climbed beside Jacob and he wrapped his arms around me tightly. He kissed the top of my head and made promises that I knew he couldn't keep. We had no details about Charlie's condition. Harborview made it sound bad but for all I know it was a minor accident or he could have been DOA. But despite that Jacob promised that everything would be alright, one way or another. But I didn't believe that at all. For the first time in a long time, I felt completely hopeless.

An hour into the ride I got a call from Sue again saying that Charlie was safely transported to Harborview and into surgery. I tried to ask questions but she was having a difficult time understanding me in my overly emotional state over the phone. Edward took the phone from me and he took control of the conversation. She was hesitant to answer questions over the phone but Edward coaxed information out of her, we needed something to go on for the other 3 hours of the trip.

The story started out bad from the start. It wasn't just a simple accident, on North Forks Road Charlie swerved into oncoming traffic and kept driving despite honking horns, swerving cars and hitting the gaurd rail. Not only did he not stop but he sped up getting fast enough to jump the guard rail and roll down the hill into the Calawah River. They suspected it was a heart attack. So add that on top of the list of injuries and it really didn't sound good. She didn't go into details about Charlie's condition she said she wanted to leave that to the doctors so she didn't mess anything up and give me any wrong ideas.

The rest of the car ride was awful. The tension was so thick between the boys that you could almost feel it. And I didn't have the energy to worry about that so I shut down. My tears had dried up and I had entered a state of shock. I tried to will myself to think. To plan. But I had nothing. All I wanted to was float away and forget all about this night. I wanted to get so drunk I wouldn't remember a thing. I wanted to get so high that I slept away all of my pain until Charlie would be better and things could go back to how they were this afternoon. I wanted that and so much more. I wanted more than alcohol or any drug I had yet to try yet could give me. I wanted to erase my memories. I wanted to forget. I wanted to lose the feelings that were ripping me apart inside. The best I could do was to check out mentally. I don't remember the last two hours of the drive. I barely remember getting out of the car.

I suddenly snapped awake when we reached the waiting room and a kind woman approached me and wrapped her arms around me. "Charlie just got out of surgery." My assumption was right. This had to be Sue, I could tell by her voice. "I'll get the doctors," she said in a rush.

The doctors had a lot to say and I didn't understand most of it. All I got out of it was that at least for the moment Charlie was alive. He did have a heart attack and they had to do a lot of major surgeries and he wasn't out of the woods yet. But at least for the moment he was alive and there was a chance that he was going to stay that way. They promised to keep me updated on his condition and to let me visit him as soon as I could.

I agreed to wait as long as it took. And finally with some good news I crashed hard. I sat on the center cushion of the very hard and uncomfortable couch in the waiting area. Jacob sat to my right and Edward to my left as close to me as they could get, each of them holding a hand for support. Soon exhaustion took over my body and I slept wedged between my two best friends.


	10. 09: We Don't Eat

**Chapter 9**

**We Don't Eat**

I turn in the swing so I could face him. He's sitting on the ground, getting dirt and grass stains all over his nice pants. He looks up from plucking blades of grass and forces a smile on his face and I gesture for him to come over. He immediately obeys. I pat the tire and he sighs. But I know he won't refuse. It takes a minute but he's eventually we are settled into the swing together. It's cramped and would be uncomfortable with anyone else but him. I crave his touch. I need him to be as close as possible right now. He is my gravity, always keeping me grounded when I feel like life might take me away. I stare over the tire into his eyes. I can see the sadness in his eyes being here is just as hard on him as it is for me. "Thank you," I whisper through the tears.

"Thank you," he says, placing a kiss on my hands before he wipes my tears away.

"I'm sorry," I sigh. "I'm such an emotional mess right now."

"Funerals are never easy," he holds my hands in his. "Take your time. Say your goodbyes. Release your grief."

We sit in silence and I stare at him waiting to see the emotion on his face. There is sadness in his eyes but he is trying hard not to show it. He is trying to be strong for me. "You too," I remind him. "This was once your home too. You need to say goodbye and let go of your grief."

"I will never be able to let go of my guilt, babe. But I've learned to live with it. Same as you." A single tear falls down his face and we lean into each other, trying to gather strength. I grab his hand and don't let go. I don't know what'd I do without him.

XXXXXX

I woke curled up on the couch with my head in Edward's lap. He was brushing his fingers through my hair. I sat up my joints popping from lying on the uncomfortable sofa for so long. Jacob was across the room sleeping on two chairs that he had pushed together. "Any word?" I asked, my voice still groggy from lack of sleep. He just shook his head. "Did you sleep at all?" He shook his head again. "You should sleep. You and Jacob should take the car home. I will probably be here for awhile. I'll call if I need you." He shook his head again. I opened my mouth to argue but thought better of it. I know how stubborn they can both be. "At least get some sleep. Go out to the car if you need. Maybe I can even find a cheap hotel around here or something."

"I'm fine," he said but the tiredness shown in his voice and his eyes.

"Just lie down and get some rest." He opened his mouth to argue but stopped and nodded his head. He lied down across the couch and I got up to stretch my legs and back. I walked around the room, trying to wake up my body and pace to ease my mind. Charlie's friend Sue walked over to me carrying a tray of coffee's. I was surprised that she not only traveled with him but stayed so long. "Thank you," I said accepting the coffee she held out to me.

"Don't thank me yet. You haven't tried it," she said with a small smile. "I got some for your friends but..." She looked around to my sleeping friends.

"They'll still enjoy the coffee cold when they wake up. Thank you," I said again, finally meeting her eyes. "Not just for the coffee. Thanks for being here for my dad. I'm glad that he's got such a good friend."

She looked down at the floor uncomfortably. "Listen, Bella, I'm not just your dad's friend," she started.

"Oh, yeah. You work together. Thanks for sticking around for so long but you don't need to stay. I've got this. And I've got my friends to keep me company. You should go home and get some sleep." I pulled out of cell phone. "Give me your number and I will be sure to call you when I hear something."

"Bella, I'm not going anywhere," she said as she placed a hand on my arm. "Charlie and I have been dating for 2 years now. He didn't tell you?"

I stared at the woman that probably knew my father better than I did and I didn't know a thing about her. I felt like an idiot. I felt lost. I didn't know how to feel. "No," I whispered sitting down into a chair. "He never told me." But I should have known. He was hardly ever home and no one works that much and it's not like there was anything else around this town to do.

"I should have known. Charlie is such a tough guy when it comes to everything but you. We've been trying to set up a diner where we could finally met but there has always been an excuse. He's working. I'm working. Your busy. He's a chicken. I know a lot about you," she said as she sat beside me. "This feels weird because I feel like I already know you but you probably know nothing about me." I was too shocked to shake my head or even to answer. "He talks about you all the time. He tells me stories about what you were like when you were younger and how much he misses that because you guys used to be so much closer." She looks up and meets my eyes. "He's been worried about you lately. He said you had trouble with your mom that you wouldn't talk about and so much stuff going on. He said that you had been growing distant and like you didn't need him anymore. I tried to tell him that you were just a teenage girl, as I once was, and that's what girls do. They grow up and suddenly their father isn't the most important man in your life anymore. Your parents have been divorced for so long and you're practically an adult I told him you could handle the news of your father with someone else. And I think he knew that but he didn't want there to be another wedge in your relationship." She looked around at Edward and Jacob. "He didn't want you pull away from him anymore than you already had. He said it already felt like he was losing you."

Guilt hit me like a tidal wave and I despite my best efforts tears streamed down my face faster than I could wipe them away. "I don't... I didn't," I stammered unable to find the words to say. And she wouldn't understand if I tried. She didn't know that if Charlie hadn't been in an accident I was going to leave Charlie without a second thought last night. He was too scared of losing me to introduce me to his girlfriend afraid of what I'd think and I was just going to leave without a goodbye. I didn't even think about how it would affect him.

"Oh, honey," she cooed as she wrapped her arms around me. "Don't feel bad. Charlie's going to be just fine."

I wanted to argue with her. She had no idea what was going to happen with Charlie. But I didn't have it in me. I was too tired. I was too shocked. And none of this was her fault and I could take out my anger on frustration on her especially when she has been nothing but nice to me.

Luckily the doctors decided to interrupt us before she tried to have some weird girl to girl, heart to heart sort of thing. They gave us and update on Charlie's condition. I just listened to them ramble about his heart and his brain and his kidney's and Sue asked questions. But all that mattered was how they ended it, they were happy with how his surgeries and recovery has been so far and they were hopeful about his long term recovery. They were very careful with their words not making promises and guaranteesabout things they had no control over. But at least they gave us some hope. Even if a little hope can be a terrible thing if it doesn't work out for the best. That little bit of hope was all I had. They were moving him to his room and though for the time they were keeping him in a coma for swelling issues they were letting us see him.

Before they could lead us to Charlie's room I woke Jacob with a kiss and a smile. He woke with a start but returned my smile. I loved the way he looked when he first woke up that sleepy confusion that he had to fight through when he first opened his eyes. Then he always looked at me with a look of pure happiness, like God himself woke him. I tend to be the exact oppositeand hurl insults at people that wake me up. "They're letting us see Charlie," I whispered.

"Us?" he said, voice heavy with sleep as he sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

"No, you stay. Me and Sue. Turns out Charlie had a secret girlfriend." He looked as stumped as I did when Sue told me. "I'll be right back. Go back to sleep." I gave him another kiss and followed behind the doctor and Sue.

"What about your other friend," Sue said as she tipped her head towards the still sleeping Edward.

"Let him sleep. He's been up all night."

"You're very lucky to have two friends like them. I don't think I have anyone who would make that drive for me."

I shrugged not knowing how to respond. I wish I knew more about her. Charlie isn't supposed to be the one to keep secrets. "You have Charlie," I said. "And you'll have me." She couldn't have smiled any bigger if she tried. I felt really guilty for saying it when I saw her reaction. I didn't know her and I probably wouldn't know her well enough ever. I had enough of my own shit to deal with before I could even think about Charlie's secret girlfriend. We sat with Charlie for a half an hour, taking turns talking to him and exchanging Charlie stories with one another. She offered me a little more information on herself when an awkward silence fell between us. She was a nurse at the hospital in Forks, no wonder she took control of all the questions, she knew what the hell was going on. She had two kids, a daughter, Leah, that was a little older than me and a boy, Seth, that was a little younger. She was hopeful that we could all get together to meet as soon as Charlie was better. I felt a little left out when she told Charlie that Leah and Seth sent their love and wished him a fast recovery and that they would be by to visit this weekend. They already met and were willing to come and visit him. What if it was Sue that had been in an accident? Would Charlie have told me about her then? It wasn't long before the doctors and nurses returned and ushered us out to run some more tests on Charlie.

Sue offered to take me to breakfast in the cafeteria but I politely declined. I needed to get back to the boys. Plus, even if I hadn't eaten in a long time, I still didn't have an appetite. She then placed a hotel key card in my hand. "Holiday Inn Express. Room 414. I figured we would be awhile so I got a room for us. It's a way better place to shower and sleep." I didn't know how to respond so I didn't. "You're welcome any time."

"Thank you," I say when I finally found my voice. "I'm sorry," I apologizedas I shook my head, trying to clear it. "I'm not used to people being so nice to me." 

"Get used to it," she smiled and walked away. "We're going to be seeing a lot of each other."

When I got back to the waiting both boys wide awake, frantic and cursing. "Keys," Edward shouted at me frantically, as he held out his hand ready to catch.

I threw the keys at him without a second thought, if I could help them in any way I could, I would. "What's going on?"

"Mom just called," he explained as he started off down the hallway. I followed close behind. "Jacob was supposed to work with my dad today. And the school called the house to see why I wasn't there this morning. Dad is pissed especially when he figured out we weren't home last night. I've got to go fix this." He directed his attention to his brother. "I'll cover for you. You stay here and take care of Bella."

"Stop," I said, grabbing his arm and trying to keep him from running away. "Just stay here. You don't have to go back."

"Bella, I can't leave my mom alone with that."

"You were ready to leave last night," I reminded him.

"That was before," he said with a shrug. "We're not leaving anymore. The longer I say out the worse it's going to be."

"We're still leaving," I say softly. "I just need a little time."

"You were ready last night," Jacob finally spoke.

"I can't leave Charlie like this," I sighed.

"You were going to leave last night without saying goodbye what's so different now?" Jacob argued. For as great of a friend as he was sometimes he just didn't understand me sometimes. Edward understood what I was thinking before I even started thinking it but Jacob never figured out how my head works like that.

"I can't let him wake up, if he wakes up, knowing that I just left him when he needed me the most. Who knows how bad this is. What if he doesn't walk again. What if he can't work. What if all he has left is me?"

"You said before that he'd get over it."

"That was before,"

"Before what?" I didn't have time to explain to him what Sue said and how guilty it made me feel. I couldn't leave without fixing things with Charlie. I want him to know that he's been a great dad and that everything wrong with my life has nothing to do with him. I can't leave before I make that clear. I will never be able to get over it if I don't. "What better of a time," Jacob continued. "No one would even notice you missing for a long time. Charlie would get over it. If you leave everything behind no one would know that you ran away," Jacob tried to argue.

Edward interrupted and spoke on my behalf. "She said she doesn't want to leave her dad behind. She's the only family he has left."

"He's got a girlfriend. She'll be there for him."

"She's not his family. I'm his family. He needs me. I can't just walk out on him," I reminded him. Jacob always struggled to understand families since he's never really been in a traditional family ever. At least I had a short time where my parents were together and happy in my childhood. And ever after their divorce but before Phil things were good. But Jacob has never had that. His mother died. His father gave up on him. Edward's dad was an abusive asshole. And Edward's mom did her best but she was the definition of a beaten woman. Jacob never learned the importance of family.

"Family is what you make it!" he yelled at me. "I thought we were family. I thought that we mattered too."

"You do!" I screamed back. I shook my head and Edward and sighed. I didn't know how to get Jacob to understand my dilemma. I turned to Edward to help. He always had a way with words. He could always say what needed to be said.

"_We _are family," Edward said pulling us in together for a group hug. "I need to fix my family before I leave. Bella needs to say goodbye to hers. And Jacob you have to keep this family together. Then we can go. Then we can leave this life behind and start over." And just like that we were calm. But it didn't keep Edward from pulling away from us and heading back down the hallway towards the exit.

"Just turn off your phone and ignore it. As soon as Charlie wakes up and I can leave him on good terms we can leave."

"What if..." he doesn't finish. But I know what he means.

"Please," I beg. "You can't leave me." I try to make him feel guilty. It worked on me. "I know how your dad gets when he's pissed you can't leave. I can't worry about you and Charlie."

"Don't worry about me," he smiled at me but it wasn't his normal genuine smile. I could see the hidden nerves underneath. "I'll be fine. I always am." He pulled me in for a hug and gave me a kiss on the top of the head. "I'll see you soon," he said as he walked out the door into the rain.

"What if you don't?" I shouted after him before the door could close behind him. "What if this is it? What if this is the time that he makes good on his promise? I can't lose you. I can't." I stepped outside with him allowing the rain to cool my body. I run to him and cling to him like he is the only thing keeping me grounded. "I can't help but feel like this is it. I can't help but worry that I might never see you again. I can't help but think that if you leave and go back like that that-"

He didn't let me finish. Instead be brought his lips to mine. It was an intense kiss that took me by surprise. It wasn't a kiss you would share with a friend. He didn't hold back anything. His tongue plunged into my mouth as his hands fell to my backside and picked me up. Our bodies pressed together as close as they could with our clothes on. He carried me through the rain and pinned me against the side of the red brick his lips never leaving mine. He didn't pull away until we were both heated and breathless. He smirked at me when he gently lowered me to the ground. "That didn't feel like a goodbye kiss, did it?" I shook my head unable to speak. "I'll be back soon," he said as he disappeared into the rain.

I stayed against the building a little longer until my heart stopped racing and my breathing returned to normal. I pushed my wet hair from my face and made my way back inside. Jacob was leaning against the wall, arms crossed against his chest as he glared out the glass door. I walked in and held up a hand to stop him before he even started. But he shook his head and followed behind me. "I'm not going to start another fight," he said grabbing my arm and pulling me towards him. His hand came up and traced the lines of my mouth. "I just wish I could take your breath away like that still." We stared at each other for a long moment before he continued to speak. "Do you love him?"

"What?" I snapped.

"You've told me that you can't love me but can you love him?" he wasn't angry as he said it, like he has been the past few weeks, he was sad. He was so sad all I wanted to do was to wrap my arms around him and take away his pain. But I knew the only way to do that was to give him all of my love and I couldn't do that.

"I _do _love you. And I love Edward. We've been through this," I sighed.

"I know," he sighed too. "What is it? Is there a reason? Is it me? Something about me that you can't love?"

"No," I said and this time I couldn't help but wrap my arms around him. "I love you. I love you with everything that I have. But I don't have much. I just don't know how to love more than a friend right now. I'm a hot mess. There are parts of me that are so broken I don't think they will ever be fixed again. I think that is one of them. I just don't think that I can let myself fall in love. Not with you or with anyone. If I was capable of loving someone, don't you think it would be you?"

"I don't know Bella. I love you so much that it fucking hurts. It fucking kills me to think about you with another guy. It fucking drove me nuts to see you guys together at the tree house. I know you guys said nothing happened but it didn't look like it. And then the way you begged him to stay. The way that he kissed you," he looked up at me with tears ready to spill from his eyes. "The way you kissed him back. That wasn't the way that friends kiss. Fuck, that's not even how we kiss anymore."

"I don't know what to tell you, Jake. I don't know what you want to hear."

He laughed and wiped the one tear away as it rolled down his cheek. "I wanted you to say that I was wrong. That that kiss between you and Edward was just a goodbye kiss between friends. I wanted you to say that the kisses we share are much better than that. But I don't want it to be a lie. I want the truth."

"I've told you the truth. I love you with all that I have. I just have limitations. I thought you knew that."

"I did. Didn't help. You are so hard on yourself sometimes. You think that you are damaged and broken and that no one in their right mind would ever be able to love you. But you are wrong. To know you is to love you. I don't know why you can't see that." He held my chin in his hand and he brought his lips to mine. It was a simple chaste kiss. "I know you think you can't love but I'm going to prove you wrong," he said with a smile.

"Jake," I whined.

"Don't," he stopped me. "Just let me have it. Things are going to be different when we get out of here. You won't have anything to hold you back. You won't have to worry about me and Edward and all of our shit. You'll see."

"You aren't the only one with shit," I fought back.

"Charlie's going to be alright. You'll see. We'll wait it out and in a few days Charlie will be healing up and we will be heading out. This is all going to work out," he reminded me with a smile. "I love you. And I'm going to try to be less weird about it and wait for you to catch up to me." We ended the conversation there because he said his peace and I didn't want to say mine. We went for breakfast and I picked at my food barely able to eat more than a few bites. I could barely keep my eyes open so I gave in and went to Sue's hotel room and we crashed on the bed. With Jacob's arms tightly wrapped around my body I fell into a deep and dreamless sleep which was very rare for me. I woke up as the sun was setting. Edward should have been home and had the situation diffused by now so I gave him a call. He didn't answer. I started to panic a little. Jacob and I grabbed some fast food on the way back to the hospital and walked back hand in hand as we shared some fries. I texted Edward repeatedly but despite me checking my phone every 30 seconds, I didn't get a response. I called again before we walked into the hospital. "He's fine," Jacob said to quiet my fears.

When we got back to the waiting room Sue was there and I could tell in that short period of time something went wrong. Her eyes were large and panicked and she was sickly pale. "What's wrong?"

"More bleeding. He's back in surgery," she said in a rush. "Bella, I..." she trailed off and came at me for a hug but I pulled away. I could not deal with this right now. Jacob grabbed my hand to offer support but I shook him off. I called Edward again and it went straight to voicemail. Sue and Jacob both looked at me and tried to comfort me but I couldn't deal with any of it. So I turned around and I ran.

I ran down the hallway and out of the doors. I ran down the street and didn't stop until my lungs were burning and I was sure no one was following me. I looked around and had no idea of where I was or what I could do. My heart raced not just from running, but I was in the throes of a panic attack. I sat down and waited for it to pass. I calmed a little but was still too on edge and there were only a few things that I knew would be able to calm me down. I pulled out my phone and tried Edward again with no luck. That didn't help to calm my nerves at all. I pulled a cigarette from my purse and put it between my lips, my hands were shaking so bad I could hardly light it. Once I finished that smoke and still wasn't anywhere near calm I called Edward again and nothing.

I walked around aimlessly looking for a distraction. I managed to find some kids my age walking around near the harbor and I was quick to gain their trust and score some weed. I didn't hide out as I sat down on a park bench and lit up. By the time I was done it was completely dark out. My hands stopped shaking and I mellowed out some but not enough. And I didn't know where else around here I would be able to score something quick and easy. I walked around again and talked an older man into buying me some vodka. I drank a quarter of it quickly and tried Edward again. I left him an angry voicemail that ended with me crying. I drank another quarter of vodka and my head was beginning to become cloudy. I settled back on another bench by the harbor and smoked another cigarette as ignored the odd looks that I was getting by those who passed me by. I'm sure I was a sight to see. I hadn't showered in a few days and was still wearing the same dirt covered clothes from the last party not to mention how I looked from all the crying. Add a broken arm on a slightly high and drunk teenage girl and I must have looked more than a little crazy.

I flicked my cigarette butt and was lost. It was dark and getting too late to be out in an unfamiliar city but I wasn't ready to go back and face my life. I had nothing good going for me. My phone never rang so there couldn't have been any word about Charlie, which I took as bad news. Edward had been gone for way too long to have not checked in yet. I made it perfectly clear what I thought would happen and I was probably right. That realization hit me hard and the tears started again. I drank more and tried to numb the pain but it wasn't happening. A little weed and vodka wasn't going to cut it for me on this night. No drug I had yet sampled was going to take my mind away from my life like I needed. But there was one person who might be able to help me out. I reached for my phone and dialed the familiar number, he answered after only two rings. "Hey, baby girl," he drawled. "How can I be of service to you?"

"Have a Seattle hook up?" I asked, cutting right to the point. I lit another cigarette.

"I might know a guy or two. What the fuck are you doing in Seattle?"

"You don't give a shit," I reminded him.

"No, I don't," he agreed. "But I do miss seeing you."

"Yeah, sure."

"What are you looking for? The usual?"

"No," I said, my voice shaking with nerves as I spoke. "I can score some weed without even trying. I need something a lot stronger."

"How much stronger?" he asked his voice full of question.

"I've already lost my fucking mind," I said. "I want something to make me forget. To take me away."

"You want to get all the way lost," he said. "Oh, fuck, I wish I could go on this trip with you. I know just the guy." He gave me all the details. "I will call ahead so he is expecting you. Good luck."

"Thanks, James. I owe you one." I plugged in the address on my phone and luckily it was only a 20 minute walk. I flicked my cigarette but out into traffic and started my walk. I got to the place right on time. Thanks, Google Maps.

I knocked on the door and waited awkwardly until a tall dark man with long dreds opened the door with a big smile. "How may I help you?" he had an accent that I couldn't place.

"I'm Bella Swan," I said, chewing on my fingernails. "James called you."

"Of course," he took a step back and gestured into his house. "Come in please." I stepped into the small house and waited. This was new to me. I had bought drugs from James before, all the time. But I knew him and he knew me and was marijuana even considered a drug any more? What I was doing now suddenly felt wrong and illegal in ways that nothing I did had before. But it wasn't going to stop me from going forward. I needed this escape, even if it was just for a short time.

The man threw a brown paper lunch bag at me and held out his hand. In my need I forgot all about the money. I dug in my purse and I pulled out all I had, seventeen dollars. That wasn't going to get me very far. I put it in his hand and cringed. "I'm good for the rest. Whatever it is. Call James. I've never not paid before."

He smiled and put the money back in my hand. "He spoke very highly of you. I think we can make some kind of additional arrangement for payment." He closed the distance between us and rubbed my shoulders. My body tensed at his touch. I gave the bag back to him and he frowned. "Perhaps some other time." He walked to the door and opened it for me.

I didn't move to the door instead I shook my head. "No, I just never have done this before." He smiled and closed the door. "I need some help."

"I don't normally do this. But since James is such a good friend and I can tell by looking at you how desperate you are right now. I will make an exception. He led me to the back bedroom and I lied down on the bed as he instructed. My heart was racing again but I blocked out my surroundings and stared up at the ceiling fan. "Just so we agree. I get you high and then..."

"Then you can fuck me. I know how this works. I'm not stupid." Yes, I was. I could be very stupid and that was one of my most stupid moments.

"I like your spunk." He smirked. "I think I am going to like you a lot Bella Swan." He tied the latex band around my arm as he prepped the drugs. "Be very still," he reminded me as he filled the needle. "Ready to remember what happiness feels like?" he asked and he poked around my arm. He smiled as he found what he is looking for and the needle pierced my flesh I only felt the sting and burn for a second before it hit. There was a sudden rush where the world and all of my pain ceased to exist and it was replaced by nothing but a light happy lightness.

I never wanted to be a drug abuser. I always thought that I would be the casual 'there was nothing else to do' teenager. But life got in the way and I could see how you could become an addict. When the world stopped giving you reasons to smile you had to go out and find happiness yourself, even if it was only a temporary and artificial sensation. I kept floating away as my heart raced and my body flushed with warmth. It was the best I had felt in a long time. I was aware, yet not really present, as the stranger who just injected me with heroin took off my clothes and touched me. I drifted in and out of awareness in the most surreal experience of my life. It was amazing. I didn't want to give in and become and addict but it would be so easy to.


	11. 10: The Promise You Can Keep

**Chapter 10**

**I Promise That I'll Be the Promise You Can Keep**

I look around and breathe in the once familiar smell of home but now it just feels wrong. "Once upon a time, I couldn't wait to get out of here. And I did. _We _did. But now that I've come home it's really hard to leave again." He raises his brow at me and waits for me to continue. "It's just us now. Just us and our memories and this small box of mementos," I said as I pointed to the box at my feet.

"That's more than enough. Didn't we agree that all we needed was each other," he said and squeezed my hands in reassurance.

"Yeah," I turned my head away and looked at the setting sun. "I guess. I mean. Yeah, I know." I shake my head. "Sorry. I'm just tired. It's been a long day." I rested my head on the fraying rope and stared into his eyes.

XXXXX

I don't know if I slept or not. I remember being sleepy. I remember trying to move once but my body was so heavy so I only rolled around on the bed a little before giving up. Finally the high started to wear off and though my limbs were still heavy they were able to move and to function, although slow as if they were suddenly made of stone. I sat up and tried to find my clothes, suddenly aware that I was naked in a strange man's house where I could now hear multiple voices. My stomach dropped and I threw up all over the floor before I could find my clothes.

I was pretty sure I was still high and tripping when Edward walked through the door, covered me in a blanket and carried me out the door. But when we stopped in a gas station bathroom I knew that I knew it was real. He removed the latex band from my arm and shook his head. "Do you have any idea what could have happened to you?" he shouted. "What the fuck were you thinking?" he asked.

"I wasn't," I said, my voice scratchy and distant. "I didn't want to think. That was the point. I didn't care what happened." I looked up at him unable to put any expression to my face. "Where the fuck were you?" I snapped, looking for signs of injury. "I tried calling you for hours and you ignored me. I thought that... Charlie went back to surgery. You were gone and I didn't know if you were coming back. I panicked and I needed a break."

"So you decided to just try heroin?"

I shrugged as he dressed me. "I didn't care what it was. I just wanted to get lost. Everyone else gets a turn. I just needed a little help getting there."

"You don't even know him. I should have fucking killed him. I wanted to fucking kill him. You let him shoot you up and of course he had to take advantage of you. Bella, after Phil..."

"I used to do it with James," I said softly looking away from Edward in shame. "He knew I was saving my cash to get the hell out of that god forsaken town so he said he would trade weed for blow jobs. I didn't have the cash today so this guy offered... I mean, it's not a big deal. We both got what we wanted out of it."

Edward glared at me with a murderous rage. "A strawberry," his voice was so calm it didn't match the anger on his face. It scared me. "Instead of turning to your friends you became a fucking strawberry?"

Anger surged in me as the high was almost completely gone. "Friends? Who? You were ignoring me. Jacob was smothering me and he didn't even try to stop me from running away for fucks sake. Charlie is fucking... I can't do this," I said as I started to hyperventilate again. "I can't do this!" He pulled me into his chest and let me sob uncontrollably into his chest. "This is why I did it. I don't know what I'm doing."

"I'm sorry," he cried with me. "I'm never going to leave you again. I promise. Okay? I will never leave you again." He took my face in his hands and brushed away my tears, disregarding his own. "Promise me that you won't leave me." I looked him in the eye and nodded as I continued you to cry. "I need to hear you say it."

"I promise," I said so softly I could barely hear myself.

He wrapped his arms around me and it only took us a moment to calm down before we finally realized we were hugging it out in a gas station bathroom and left. He walked me to the car and just sat there staring out into the darkness outside. He turned to me with a sad smile. "I don't know if I want to kiss you because you are alright when I was so sure you weren't. Or if I want to kill you for putting me through that."

I couldn't hold back the snorting laugh that escaped me. "I was thinking the same thing about you. What time is it?" I asked, searching for my phone. It only took me a moment to realize that it must still be at he dealers house. "Fuck."

"I will take care of it," Edward reassured me.

I grabbed his phone and checked the time. Being high really messes with your internal clock. "Shit!" I cursed seeing just how much time had passed. "Charlie. I have to get back."

"I talked to Jacob and Sue. He's good. His surgery went well. The swelling on his brain is down so they don't need to keep in in a coma any longer so they are hopeful that he wakes up soon. He's still got a long way to go, Bella, but it sounds like he's going to make it." I nodded relieved by the information.

"I still have to go back. I have to be there when he wakes up."

"First we have to clean you up," Edward said starting the car.

"Is it that bad?" I asked, trying to see my reflection in the mirrors but it was too dark.

"It's not good." He smirked. "It looks like you've had sex in the woods. Been waiting in a hospital for 2 days without a shower and then visited a drug den."

"Don't be smart with me, asshole." I playfully smacked his arm. "I had a key card to Sue's hotel room but that is now gone too."

"I'm on it," Edward said, taking his phone back from me. I tuned out his conversation and closed my eyes. The high was nearly gone but it was still there just a lingering heavy feeling and an upset stomach. "Sue's going to call the hotel and explain that you lost your card. They'll issue us a new one."

Ten minutes later we were at the hotel and Edward was flashing his ID to the person behind the front desk. They had the new card ready and waiting for us. I cringed when I finally saw myself in a mirror. Edward was right. I looked like shit. He started the shower for me and I waited for him to leave but he settled onto the toilet seat and looked like he had no intention of leaving me alone. I wanted to argue but I thought better of it. I undressed quickly and used the garbage bag to wrap around my cast before I stepped into the shower.

"Shit, let me help you," Edward said, watching me struggle to wash myself with one arm and keep my cast dry at the same time.

I sat down in the tub and Edward kneeled beside me. I finally got to study him and saw broken skin around his knuckles, a sure sign that he's been fighting. I also noticed a fair amount of blood on his shirt. I searched his face looking for damage but didn't see any. "What happened?" I asked as I pulled at his dirty shirt. He looked down to my hand and groaned. "You're hurt. Let me help you."

I tried to stand but he carefully pushed me back down. "Don't worry. I'm fine. It's not my blood."

"What happened?" I asked as he massaged my scalp with shampoo.

"I had to beat the shit out of some guys. There was this girl that needed my help," he said as he met my eyes. "I was so worried I almost killed him. I might have if I didn't need to find you first."

We were silent as he rinsed my hair. "What about your mom and dad? How did that go?"

"He was drunk by the time I got home," he said as he soaped up his hands and ran them over my body. "He knocked me around a little just to show me he was still in charge but it wasn't much at all. He was too drunk. It didn't really leave a mark at all. I helped bandage mom's arm, thankfully it wasn't broken just a sprain so we didn't need to go to the hospital. I helped her wrap it up," he explained, his voice calm and even. "I dropped out of summer school so this shit doesn't keep happening. I said I'd repeat the grade next year but we both know that isn't going to happen so what's the difference. I got Emmett to help us cover shifts at the shop. And my mom says she's going to help keep dad calm. As long as one of us is going to be there to help out, I think he won't really even notice. He'll be too drunk to know any better anyway."

"That's it?" I shouted, looking up at him.

"My phone died on the drive home. I hadn't even noticed for awhile."

"You didn't think to call me? You knew how fucking worried I was! That's not what I was imagining when I couldn't reach you for hours. You don't want to know what I thought," I seethed.

"I'm sorry," he said, looking away from me.

"Why didn't you call me back when you charged your fucking phone? Where did you go? What were you doing?" The questions spilled from me out of anger one after another, not giving him time to respond.

He looked down at the floor unable to meet my eyes. "After I got all that cleared up I went to see Tanya."

"Fucking Tanya," I cursed and laughed and cried all at the same time. "You ignored me, your best fucking friend, for the girl you said was just something to do to pass the time? I _needed _you, you fucking asshole!"

"I wanted to say goodbye to her. She might just be some girl, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be a dick to her. And I'm fucking glad I went there," he yelled back, defending himself. "James told me he had just gotten off the phone with you and I kind of forced some information out of him." He looked away from me and rubbed his knuckles. "I beat the fuck out of him for helping you do this."

"It was my idea. What are you going to do to me?" I asked softly. He finally met my eyes but the moment was short lived. He turned off the water and walked out of the bathroom. I dried myself off and wrapped myself in a towel.

"I brought you some new clothes. They're out in the car," he said before he left the room. I sat on the bed missing and let my life catch up with me. What had I done to myself? Edward had only been gone for a minute but I broke down into hysterics before he could come back. "What's wrong?" He asked, kneeling on the floor in front of me.

"Where do I start?" He jumped up and sat beside me pulling me in for a sideways hug. My mind raced with all the mistakes I made over the past few days. I probably should have ran away with the boys earlier. If I had maybe Charlie would be okay. I wouldn't have had my stupid meltdown that lead me here. My life was in pieces. Charlie nearly died, and still might. I couldn't deal with my life so I ran away to do drugs. And not just any drug. I did fucking heroin. And an even bigger problem was how badly I missed the feeling of the drug coursing through my veins. And since I couldn't pay I let a stranger fuck me. And to top it all off I could feel my two best friends slipping through my fingers. The distance between us was slowly getting bigger every day.

Suddenly the need to be closer to Edward struck and I climbed into his lap. In my crying fit the towel had already fallen from my body and I hadn't noticed. Neither one of us made a move to cover me again. Edward rubbed slow circles on my back with the palm of his hand. His other hand combed through my hair and tried in vain to wipe away my tears as they fell. Slowly the panic was quieted and I was left sitting naked in Edward's lap staring into his eyes. I couldn't resist but press my lips to his. I started out slow and unsure, waiting for him to reject me. But he didn't. He deepened the kiss and we left off right where we left outside the hospital in the rain. I felt him grow hard beneath me as I moved against his hips. "I know what you're doing," he said breathlessly as he pulled away from me. "It doesn't have to be like this," he said staring at me eyes full of sympathy.

"Like what?"

"You feel the need to erase all your bad memories with sex," he pushed me away from him gently and I lied back on the bed. "Sex with me."

"I'm not just using you, you know."

"I know. But you don't have to do that. You can't just push these memories behind sex and hope that you forget about them. It hasn't worked so well for you has it? They always come up to the surface and you make another stupid mistake and come crawling back to me." He lied beside me. "It doesn't mean I don't want you. Believe me I do. But I don't want us to keep treating this like a game. I'm not going to be some kind of substitute drug for you. If you want to sleep with me then let's do it. But don't do it because you feel like you _have _to. I want you to do it because you _want _to do it. See the difference?"

"I almost always want to do it," I sighed.

"Not because you want _sex _because you want _me_," he groaned and stood from the bed throwing a duffel bag at me. He adjusted himself in his jeans for a minute before walking towards the door. "Get dressed and I'll take you back to the hospital. We'll pick up some breakfast on the way. I'll be in the car." And with that he left me alone.

The next few days were a blur. The boys took turns keeping me company alternating every few days and all seemed to be going well. They barely came back with new injuries and for that I was thankful. I was never alone, one of them was always with me, especially on Edwad's days. I couldn't blame him. He had gotten to know me very well over the years and he had seen me at my very worst and he was determined to keep me from getting there again. They tried to keep me busy but there was only so much to do. It was just the same thing day after day. Eat. Sleep. Wait. Repeat. Sue visited every day but stayed mostly at the hotel working from her computer there. Over the weekend her children made good on their promise and they visited. It was an awkward way to meet but they seemed nice enough and really seemed to care for Charlie. I was beginning to feel better about being able to leave. At least Charlie wouldn't be alone. He would be able to slip right into a new family that wasn't as fucked up the one he had.

After six days of waiting Charlie woke up. He didn't stay awake long. His eyelids fluttered open and he squeezed my hand but it was long enough to life my spirits. The next day he was able to talk to us. I was so relieved. The doctors were sure he would make a full recovery. There was no more internal danger which was what they were most worried about. He might walk with a limp after months of physical therapy but he would be able to walk. And he would live most importantly.

After a few hours of doctors and tearful hello's from everyone I was finally alone with Charlie. I sat back beside him on the very uncomfortable vinyl chair. I didn't what to say and from the looks of it neither did he. "Sue seems nice," I finally said to break the ice.

He frowned a little. "I should have introduced you two a long time ago."

"Yeah, you should have," I agreed.

"I didn't want you to think- 

I cut him off. "You don't need to explain. You're the adult and you make those kinds of choices."

"As hard as it is for me to say it you are a grown up too, Bells. When did you get to be so grown up?"

I shrugged and leaned into him grabbing his hand gently so I didn't cause him any pain. "I had a great dad."

For the first time in forever I could see tears pooling in his eyes. "Thank you." He cleared his throat loudly before he spoke again. "You didn't have to stay this whole time."

"Sure I did. There was no where else I needed to be more. You know how much I love you, right?" I asked. "I feel like I don't ever say it to you. And I don't show it nearly enough."

This time I did see a tear fall from his eyes. "I know that. And the same goes for me too. I love you, Bells. I just don't know when to say it and how to show it." He squeezed my hand. We sat in the silence for awhile. A weight was suddenly lifted from me. I had a very short heart-to-heart with Charlie but at least now when I leave him he would know how I felt.

We spent another week in Seattle while Charlie healed. But at least now we could see the improvements and the doctors were now certain about his full recovery. They were even hopeful about a discharge in a week. I didn't have to spend much time in the waiting room, I was allowed to stay in Charlie's room most of the time. No one said anything but it did get a little awkward on the days that Jacob was there to keep me company. I had a feeling Charlie still wasn't over the fact that he caught us naked in bed together. At the end of the week Charlie kicked Jacob out of the room for another quick heart to heart. He wanted me to know that he appreciated how much I was doing for him. The boys were keeping an eye on the house and Edward had Mrs. Masen checking for the mail and I was phoning in all the bills. It was my training for being out on my own. I would have to do all of that and more soon. Very soon.

"You should go home," Charlie said finally breaking the silence. "Sleep in your own bed. Eat some real food. You've been living out of a hospital for a two weeks now."

"Nah." I shook my head. "I'm good."

"This is your last summer vacation before college. Don't waste it on me."

I smiled. "It's not a waste. We just had a very good talk. This is me showing you how much I care. I'm staying and keeping you company."

"Don't worry about your old man," he said. "You've done more than enough around here lately. Sue's staying for the week so I won't be alone."

"Oh, you want a little alone time with your girlfriend. I get it," I teased.

"This doesn't mean I approve of you getting that much alone time with your boyfriend," he said as he looked away from me uncomfortably. "My head might be messed up but don't think I forgot about that. Be smart, Bells."

I nodded and hugged him goodbye with a promise to be back over the weekend.

I walked out to the waiting room to find Jacob eating a bag of vending machine chips. "Let's go home," I said to Jacob.

He smiled and put his arm around my shoulders leading me out to the car. I texted Edward on our way home and he agreed to meet us back at my place when we got home. It was time to get things started.

"It's nice to finally be alone again," Jacob said with a smile.

"We've been alone."

"We've been in a hospital waiting room. Or in Charlie's room. Or in the room that you shared with Charlie's girlfriend. We haven't been alone alone. We haven't really had a good chance to talk."

"That's what we're doing when we get home. We're going to get ready. The doctors think that Charlie will be discharged in a week and then-"

"A week?" Jacob's voice had risen a little. I saw his knuckles grow white on the steering wheel as he gripped it a little too tightly. "I thought that we were leaving as soon as you got to say goodbye to Charlie."

"I don't want to run off. I want to make sure that he'll be okay when I'm gone. I'm going to talk Sue and her family into moving in so Charlie has someone to take care of him. I can't just abandon him. I almost lost him and he's going to lose me forever. But I want to make sure that we do this the right way. I don't want to leave loose ends."

"I know." He nodded in agreement. "I just am a little anxious to get out of here."

I looked at him and studied him. He was easy to read I could tell there was more he wasn't telling me. "What happened? What's going on? What aren't you telling me?" 

"Nothing." He swallowed hard and clenched his jaw shut so tightly I could see the tense muscles.

"Don't lie to me. We don't lie to each other." My voice was stern and serious.

"Things haven't been that great at home lately." He tired to shrug it off. "But it's no big deal."

"Explain. Details please," I demanded.

Jacob sighed heavily. "It's nothing. There's a new foster in the house earlier this week things always get a little more tense." I continued to glare at him until he continued. "Her name is Abby she's nine. She's a good kid. He won't touch her. You know that right? But because he's forcing false good behavior during the day..."

"What is he doing at night?" I asked closing my eyes trying to hold the guilt back. Jacob hesitated. "You were supposed to be honest with me."

"Edward didn't want you to know," he growled. "He said you had enough shit going on without his stuff on top of it."

I took in a deep breath. "What is it? Stop lying to me because you think I can't handle the truth."

"You saw his scars," he said as if that explained everything. "It's nothing that you haven't seen before."

"How bad?"

Jacob shrugged. "You'll have to ask him."

"And you? What about you?"

"My case worker made and unscheduled visit after Abby came to us. She poked around and it made him nervous but as usual nothing came of it. She just wanted to check in and update me about aging out soon. He always takes it easy on me around a visit." I closed my eyes and rested my head back on the headrest. "You okay?"

"No, I'm not okay if you guys aren't. Why didn't you tell me before? We could have done something."

"You have your shit. We have ours."

"It's all our shit together. We do everything together," I reminded him. "Drive fast please." We stayed quiet the rest of the long drive home.

Edward was waiting on the sofa watching TV as I walked through the door. He stood up and put his arms out for a hug but I pushed him away. "Why didn't you tell me you asshole!"

"Fuck, Jake, we agreed on this shit," he cursed as he gently rubbed his chest where I pushed him.

"Show me," I demanded walked over to him again.

"Bella, I'm fine. It's not a big deal."

"It is a big fucking deal!" I shouted. "I'm not letting him kill you because of me!"

"It's not because of you. It's because he's a dick. This has nothing to do with you."

"Let me see," I insisted as I pulled at the hem of his shirt. Instead of push me away he pulled me into him for a hug. He squeezed me tightly, holding me in place. I could feel his muscles tense as he pressed my body into his. He kissed the top of my head and leaned down to whisper. "You don't want to see this." I struggled against him needing to see it with my own eyes but he held me tighter and grimaced as I struggled against his wounded flesh. "It's fine. It looks worse than it is. Trust that I have never lied to you before. I may have chosen not to tell you a few things before. But I have never lied to you and I promise not to start now." I unwrapped me but still held my arms in his hands as he forced me to look at him. "I've made it this long. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine."

"Don't go back there," I begged them looking back and forth between the two of them. "Let me get things settled with Charlie and Sue and then I can leave. You guys go first and then I'll met you. But don't go back there. You can't go back there."

"We can't leave yet," Edward argued. "The new foster-"

"Jacob said she was fine." My eyes grew wide in panic for the little girl. "He wouldn't touch a little girl. Please tell me he's not touching that little girl." That was something I had experience with. I didn't want anyone else going through something like that.

"No, she's fine. But if we leave and he loses his shit... I don't know what he'll do," Edward wrapped his arms around me gently, not pulling me in too close to whatever fresh wounds he was keeping hidden from me. "I've got it all worked out," he reassured me. "I know how scared you are for everybody so I am going to make this work out for everyone. Abby's case worker has to come pick her up for a visit next Wednesday. We'll get mom out of the house and far away. I've been trying to get her find her a cheap spa trip as a thank you, goodbye and sorry for everything. We wake sure everyone is safe before we leave. We'll call the cops and we'll leave. Maybe my dad goes to jail and maybe the lies work for him again but either way we'll be gone and we will have done everything we can to help everyone we can." Edward smiled at me and I could tell that he believed that. I wanted to. But I just didn't know if anything in our lives ever worked out the way we wanted them too. "It's going to work. We're going to do it."

"Next Wednesday. Ten days," I agreed. "But if it gets worse. You have to tell me."

"Promise," they both agreed at the same time.


	12. 11: What I am to You Is Not Real

**Chapter 11**

**What I am to You Is Not Real**

Renee walks out of the house and smiles at me. "It was good to see you again," she says to both of us. It sounds weird, such a formal greeting from your own mother. But she hasn't been my mother for such a long time.

"Thanks for coming," he says, flashing her a quick smile.

I turn away with a heavy sigh. I couldn't force myself to talk to her right now. "Please call me soon, Bella." I could hear the disappointment in her voice as she spoke. "We have so much to catch up on." All I could do was nod. I watched her walk away and shift the toddler from her right hip to her left.

"I know it's not really my place," he says trying to met my eyes. "But she's trying."

"I know," I nod and brush away the stray tears. "But it's not for me. She did it all for Carly."

"That has to count for something," he shrugs. "You might never be able to forgive your mother and I don't blame you for that. But don't take it out on Carly. She is your sister."

"Half," I say firmly. "Half sister."

"I never had a biological brother at all but that didn't stop me from calling him my brother," he says, nodding at the empty house beside us.

I nod in agreement. I understand what he's saying but it doesn't help. It doesn't make it any easier. "She looks so much like him," my voice cracks as I speak. "She has the same eyes."

XXXXXX

As the days passed we made plans. Bags were packed. My savings account was slowly drained. We agreed on our final destination. It wasn't just a fantasy the reality of it was sinking in as each day ticked by. Time seemed to slow down and I was sure that I was driving the boys crazy. I couldn't go more than an hour without hearing from the boys before I would start to freak out. Luckily they were pretty much with me at all times anyway. Each time they went home and came back I tried to talk them into me doing a full body inspection since they were so willing to keep me in the dark so often.

I thought that having a set date and a plan would help make this easier but nothing could help me calm my fears. I was always so on edge and tense, just waiting for bad news from somewhere. I was sure i was driving everyone around me crazy. I smoked a lot. I drank a lot. I tried to limit how often I lit up a joint but sometimes I couldn't find any other way to calm myself. And the worst part is... that used to be enough. I refused James's offerings on other drugs. Even the ones I have already tried. I had to. If I started I wouldn't stop. Because I know how wrong it is. I made promises to never do it again. But goddamn did I want to. I wanted to be back in that strangers bed in Seattle and let myself float away. I had a feeling I was going to struggle with that feeling for a long time.

Friday evening Jacob was still working in the shop, Edward was watching TV in my living room and I was sitting at the kitchen table going through the bills again for a final time. I couldn't leave things without making sure everything was taken care of. I had already gotten myself all ready to leave in case we needed to do it at a moments notice even though the boys insisted that wasn't necessary. I was leaving for Seattle again in the morning with Jacob to visit Charlie for the weekend. And the next few days after that I had to spend getting the house ready for Charlie to come home. And Sue to move in. And if things all went according to plan Sue's kid's would move in soon to follow. I cleared out most of the attic for Sue's son Seth to move into. And Leah was supposed to share my room, but by the time she got there, it would be all hers. At least Charlie wouldn't have an empty house. Charlie had some set backs a few days ago with some seizures, but everyone reassured me that it wasn't anything to worry about and not to bother coming up until the weekend. I reluctantly agreed.

Charlie had one last surgery scheduled for Sunday to put in a pacemaker and baring any complications he was scheduled to be released Tuesday. I would get one night at home with Charlie before I left.

I paused to dig the pen into my cast and scratch as far down as I could. I still couldn't reach the damn itch. As I wrote the date and forged Charlie's signature on a check I was hit with a sudden wave of panic. "Holy shit!" I cursed out loud as I stood and turned to Edward. "I'm fucking late!"

"No need to curse over late bills," Edward laughed at me. He looked at his phone and he jumped to his feet I opened my mouth to explain but then I clamped my hands over my mouth. I couldn't say it out loud. "Oh shit!" he cursed when he looked at me. "Your period? Your period is fucking late?" I kept my hands over my mouth but I nodded my head.

He ran to me and held my arms as he stared into my eyes. "It's okay," he tried to comfort me. "You're just a little late. And you are under a lot of stress with the whole Charlie thing and everything else. You use birth control and condoms," he said everything he could think of to reassure me. I cringed as I thought about it. "What?" He stared at me, waiting for me to explain.

"Sometimes there isn't time for a condom and I haven't even thought about my birth control over the past few weeks!" I shouted. "I'm such a fucking idiot!" I sat back down and rested my head on the table.

Edward sat beside me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "We still don't know anything for sure. It's probably nothing. You're just barely late. I know your cycles are pretty consistent but that doesn't mean-"

My head snapped up as I looked at him. "What the fuck do you know about my cycles? How the fuck would you know how late I am? Do you go through my trash or something? Do you have a superhuman nose that can smell the period on me? And what? You track it? I barely do that. Jesus! Fuck! Stalk much?"

Edward shrugged and a blush crept onto his cheeks. He stood and scratched the back of his neck and looked away from me. "I don't know. I can just tell. I spend so much time with you it's easy to see even the subtle differences in you."

I looked at him with horror in my eyes. My period was kind of obvious? "What the fuck does that mean?" I screamed in exasperation as I stood up.

"Just calm down. I'll run out and get you a test. No need to panic yet." Edward held my arms and stooped down to look into my eyes.

"Who's panicking? What kind of test? Did something happen with Charlie?" Jacob asked as the door slammed shut behind him. Edward and I froze and turned our heads to look at Jacob. I stopped breathing for a second and my panic only mounted. "Oh shit, this looks bad," Jacob cursed.

"Charlie's fine," Edward sighed and released me.

"So what's going on?" Jacob asked.

Again, Edward and I froze. Did I really want to tell him? I was in full on freak out mode and not thinking clearly. Could I be pregnant? I was not ready to deal with this. I probably wouldn't ever be ready for this to be honest. But at the time, on top of being an overly emotional teenage girl with normal teenage girl problems I also had to deal with a love triangle for the boys next door, who also happened to get beaten senseless on an almost nightly basis. And though I tried to convince myself otherwise I was still not over the rape and my mother's betrayal. I wanted a drink so bad. Even worse I wanted to call James and have him hook me up again. I needed to float away into another world without all these thoughts and problems. And that, I think, is what scared me most of all. The fact that I had finally given in and was so close to allowing myself to become hooked. I always thought I could always say no. That I didn't _need _the drugs. But I was suddenly learning I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. The problem was becoming that I didn't want to say no anymore. I wanted to give in. I wanted to give up. I wanted to forget no matter how short of a time it was for. I wanted to get lost in the haze of drugs. But I couldn't. I was completely ready to give up on myself, but I was not ready to give up on my friends, and I probably never would.

"I'm late," I finally blurted out, unable to keep it in any longer. And I really needed a distraction from my own thoughts.

"That's it?" He laughed. "I thought something was wrong. Late for what? I'll help get you there."

"No." I shook my head. "Not like that. I'm _late_," I tried to emphasize the worse slowly maybe he would get it so I didn't really have to say it out loud. If I didn't talk about it, it couldn't be true.

"Late for what?" he asked again, slowly like me.

"For her period, dumbass," Edward replied coming to my rescue. We all froze. Someone said it. It was out there. It was real. I was terrified.

"Oh," Jacob sighed. "Oh, shit! Well alright. Like how late are we talking? Like normal let's not freak out late? Or holy fucking shit this is really happening late?"

"Four days," Edward answered for me when I didn't.

I glared at him again. "Really? You know the exact number of days? What is wrong with you!"

"I don't know the exact days, just a rough estimate," he said as if that helped make it less weird at all.

"Oh, so this is still just a maybe, right?" Jacob released a long breath and eased into Charlie's recliner. "Four days isn't so bad." I just shrugged and shook my head. "We'll figure this out," he said and he finally looked up at me from across the room. "You know I'm here for you no matter what." I couldn't speak so I just nodded. "Just get the little pee stick thingie and well go from there," he said softly.

"You go get the pee stick!" I shouted at him. "I think I'm going to throw up!" I shouted and put my hands over my stomach and paced around nervously.

"Like pregnant puke or..." he trailed off.

"Just go get her a damn test," Edward yelled at his brother as he wrapped his arm around me.

"You go get it!" he yelled back. "I think Bella and I should probably talk about this."

"There is nothing to talk about until we know for sure," I yelled at him and shoved him to the door. "Now go!"

Jacob paused a moment and he stared at me. "Please, Bella, let's talk about this for a minute. This isn't so bad. If you're pregnant. It's fine. It won't be easy but we can work it out. I will be there for you the whole way. For both of you." He smiled and stared right at my stomach as he said the last sentence.

"Get get the fucking test!" I screamed unable to say anything else.

"You're not helping," Edward said to his brother. "She clearly isn't ready to talk about anything until she knows for sure. Just get the test. Everyone is going to calm down and we'll go from there." This time Jacob listened and he left without another word.

Edward and I both settled onto the couch. I rested my head in my hands and released a heavy breath. "Did you hear that?" I turned to look at Edward. "Did you see it in him?"

Edward shrugged. "He's trying to be supportive. You know he's right. He will be there for you."

"Not that. I know that," I argued. "He smiled at me. A genuine smile. Not a nervous freaking the fuck out and I don't know what else to do kind of smile. He's happy. It's like he wants this to be happening."

"He might be an idiot but he's not that big of an idiot. He wouldn't try to do this on purpose or anything," Edward said.

I nodded. "Yeah, I know. But I'm not ready to plan for this kind of future yet. I need to take my life one step at a time right now, and even that is a challenge. I don't need another thing to worry about. I don't need him to celebrate knocking me up"

Edward put his hand on my knee and turned to me with a serious look in his eye. "I don't want this to sound the wrong way but are you even sure that it's Jacob's?" he asked softly and quickly looked away.

I didn't know I could freak out even more but I did. "Oh my God! We had sex! I was so high I forgot. Holy shit!"

"What? No. We didn't. We thought about it. But we didn't. I wouldn't take advantage of you like that. But someone else did." I hung my head in shame and I was crying again. "Did you use a condom? Please tell me you used a condom."

I shook my head and wiped my face with my shirt, trying to clean away the tears. "I don't know," my voice cracked. "I was so high I don't really remember any of it. What did I do?" Edward pulled me in for a hug as I sobbed on his shoulder.

"Did you at least use a clean needle?" he asked trying to keep his voice calm for my benefit. But I could tell there were so many emotions boiling in him. I shrugged and cried harder. "You know that being pregnant isn't even the worst thing that could happen, right?"

I nodded. "I'm sorry. I've been so fucking stupid. I probably deserve this and worse."

"No, we all make mistakes. We just need to learn from them." He let me cry on his shoulder until there were no tears left. "You know Jake isn't the only one that will be here for you. I promised you that I was never leaving you again. I will be by your side through this all." We sat in the quiet for a few long minutes before I broke out into inappropriate laughter. "What's so funny?" he asked, baffled by my amusement.

"For a minute there it was getting to be a bad Jerry Springer episode. Potential baby daddy's creeping up out of the woodwork to accuse the shitty druggie mother who can't keep her legs closed."

"Bella, don't joke about this," Edward chided me. And you made a one time mistake that doesn't make you a drug addict whore."

I shrugged. "I feel like it. Since that day things have been so hard. I want it so bad."

"Want it. But you haven't done it. That counts for a lot more than you'd think. And get your facts straight it's Maury Povich that does the Who's Your Daddy episodes," he teased with a smile on his face.

"Asshole," I said as I pushed him away from me. 

"Bitch," he teased pushing me back. He stood and walked into the kitchen and brought me back a tall glass of water. I took it from him but didn't take a drink. I was too nauseous to think about eating or drinking at all. "Drink up, sweetheart. You can't pee on a stick if you can't pee," he reminded me and I groaned. "Bottoms up." I chugged the glass of water and he got me another.

We teased each other and laughed it off for another five minutes. I was feeling better and freaking out less but it was just because Edward was keeping me distracted. Our joking escalated to a tickle fight where I was lying on the couch and he was on top of me relentlessly tickling sides where he knew I was sensitive. "Please, stop," I begged him as I kicked my legs and squirmed beneath him. "I can't laugh any more. I'm going to piss my pants. And it's going to get on you if you don't stop. Where is Jacob? I have never had to pee so bad in my life. Why did you make me drink so much water?" Edward stopped tickling me but didn't move from me. I wiggled my hips, doing a little dance that people always seemed to do when they had to pee. I don't know why moving helps keeps you from peeing yourself but it seems to be a universal thought. "Do you think it will work with old pee? Like if I pee in a cup do you think it will still-"

Edward interrupted me as he closed his eyes and groaned. I continued to do my hold it in dance beneath him. "Jesus, Bella," he groaned. "Stop." He quickly stood from me. I could see the bulge in his pants as he shifted his hips around trying to find some comfort. "I'm sorry. I just can't seem to control myself around you."

"You don't need to apologize," I shrugged. "But I am definitely not in the wood right now." We both laughed. "I do seem to be some kind of a sex magnet or something. This happens way too often around guys." I shrugged it off. "I don't get it. I'm nothing special. I'm rather plain looking. And I'm really a total bitch. I smoke and drink and curse."

Edward shook his head and smiled at me as he sat beside me, bulge still obvious. "I wish you could see yourself the way the rest of the world does." He brushed my hair behind my ear and we shared a moment as we locked eyes with one another. The door slammed shut as Jacob rushed back into the house. Edward and I both blushed as we turned to Jacob who carried three full grocery bags. He always did have horrible timing.

"We send you for one thing and you come back with half the store?" Edward laughed.

Jacob blushed nervously. "I didn't know what I was doing. I've never done this before. I bought one of each kind of test they had," he said throwing one bag at me.

I opened the bag and looked at the five different boxes. At least this way I'd know one way or another. "And the rest?" I asked, my voice was soft and quiet out of fear.

He shrugged. "I figured that we could use some stuff either way it goes." He pulled out a pint of ice cream, chocolate bars, bags of chips and a bunch of assorted other munchies. I was touched by his thoughtfulness but I needed to pee more. I opened the first box and started to read the instructions as I walked towards the bathroom.

"Just pee on a stick," Edward said grabbing another box from the bag. "No need to read it. Just do it."

"No!" I shouted. "A cup! I need to pee in a cup!" I shouted at Edward and pushed him towards the kitchen. "I should have done that before." I started doing my potty dance again. "Hurry up."

"Wait!" Jacob shouted. "Before you do this I have something I want to do."

"No time!" I shouted at Jacob as Edward placed a cup in my hands.

"Bella," he whined. "This is important."

I ignored him and walked into the bathroom. He grabbed my arm and turned me to face him. "Jake, if you don't let me go I seriously might piss my pants."

"Way to ruin the moment," he groaned as he let me go. He followed behind me and I stopped from entering the bathroom. "What? I've seen you naked before."

"You don't need to watch me pee. That's just creepy and weird," I said as I closed the door on him. "What did you need to say?" I shouted through the door. Jacob didn't respond. I moaned loudly as I finally got to relieve myself. It was the longest and most satisfying urination of my life.

I opened the door and Edward handed me all the opened tests. I read each box carefully and followed the directions. I didn't need to mess anything up and end up with the wrong results if that was even possible. But I didn't want to take any chances. I lied them all out on the counter and felt lost. How the fuck were you supposed to wait for results? Can't you just get them instantly?

"What do they say?"

I shrugged. "We'll see in three minutes." Jacob set an alarm on his phone and we all waited in silence. It was the longest three minutes of my life. Jacob's alarm went off and none of us moved for a moment too afraid of what would come next. I finally gathered the courage I needed and stood with a heavy sigh. The answer wasn't going to change if I ignored it. Plus, I _really _needed to know to ease my worried mind.

"Wait!" Jacob shouted and ran in front of me. "I have to do this before." He dropped down to one knee. I grew weak in the knees and wobbled, Edward raced behind me to keep my on my feet. As if this night could get any worse. Jacob pulled a ring pop out from his back pocket. "It doesn't matter what those tests say. I know in my heart what I want and I want you. Regardless of what happens. I want you to know that I want this. I want you. Will you marry me?" The words rushed from Jacob and he couldn't look me in the eyes until he was done. His smile faded when he saw the look on my face. Edward holding me under my arms was the only reason I was still on my feet.

Edward laughed loudly and he walked me into the bathroom and sat me on the closed toilet seat. "A ring pop? You propose to her with a ring pop?"

Jacob blushed and stood up walked over to me. "It's all they had at the drug store. I figured it was better than nothing. I will buy you an actual ring. I just needed something for now. I couldn't do it empty handed."

"You didn't have to do it at all," I said finally snapping back to reality. "What were you thinking?" I shouted at him. He tried to talk to me but I brushed him off. There was enough stalling going on. I picked up the first test and the panic returned. Two blue lines. Oh shit. "No," I shouted. "This is not happening. No. No. No," I kept chanting as my hands shook and I fumbled to read the rest of the tests. I breathed a sigh of relief when all the others only had one pink line.

"Congratulations?" Edward said but his voice sounded anything but.

"No, that first test is a liar! I read the retard test first. One positive and four negatives. I know i suck at math but I'm going with the bigger number. 1 in 4 those numbers are like..." I trailed off.

"Don't look at me," Edward said. "I failed math."

"So you're not pregnant?" Jacob asked quietly.

"No," I said.

"You're sure that it's not one right and four wrong?" Jacob asked.

"Are we ever really sure of anything? But for right now those odds are good enough for me. See no need to panic and go all ring pop on me."

"That wasn't out of panic. That was genuine. And you never answered."

I looked at him with wide eyes. "You still want an answer? Even though there is no baby?"

"I told you the outcome didn't matter. I still meant every word I said. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I might not want kids now but some day." He smiled and shrugged. "I imagine us getting married and having kids. Why can't we end up with a happily ever after?" Jacob again got down on one knee and pulled the ring pop out again. "So what do you say, Bella? Will you marry me?" 

I stood frozen in shock. I smiled nervously and took Jacob's hands in mine. Edward turned away, stalking off. I jumped as the door slammed closed behind Edward. "Don't leave me hanging here, Bella. At least give me an answer," Jacob nervously smiled.

"No," I whispered. I wrapped my hand around his and pushed the ring back at him. "We're not ready."

"Why not?" he argued.

"For starters, it's illegal I'm only seventeen."

"We don't have to get married now. We can wait as long as you want."

I ignored him and continued to list off all the reasons I could think of not to do it. "We are running away in a week and we don't have a place to live. I can't even begin to make a life long commitment like that. We have no money. We have no home. There is no baby. And I don't want there to be one. And though I understand the sentiment but it's a fucking ring pop, you really expect me to slide that on? Getting married is stupid for so many reasons."

Jacob stood and his smile faded. "No, it's fine you're right. Forget about it. Now is not the time. This isn't something we need to rush into. We have the rest of our lives." He walked away and turned on the TV.

I cleaned up the bathroom and sat down as far from Jacob as I could on the couch. I was torn. I didn't want to be alone. But I really didn't want him here either. Jacob had other things on his mind because he scooted closer to me and wrapped his arm around me. I tensed up but allowed it. After a few minutes he rested his head on my shoulder and I could hear in breathe in deeply, doing the creepy thing where he smells my hair. Next, his fingers brushed through my hair. Then his lips were on my neck and I was instantly up on my feet. "Are you seriously trying to have sex with me right now?" I shouted.

He shrugged his shoulders and blushed slightly but he didn't look away or try to deny it. "What better way to celebrate?"

"Your logic sucks. We celebrate by having sex so that maybe this time I _do _get pregnant?"

"And so what if you do?" he sighed. "I already told you I'd be there for you and a baby. And we've talked about our lives together before. I love you and already want to spend the rest of forever with you. We'll end up married with children anyway."

My rage reached new levels. "_We _don't talk about our future like that. Other people do. You might. But _I _do not. And we cannot have kids right now. That is the stupidest thing that you have ever thought about. I can't believe you think that we should have a baby right now."

"I'm not saying we should. But we could. We could do it."

"No, we could not. I could not. We are still just kids ourselves. I can barely take care of myself let alone a child. We have no money. No house. No room for a baby. I'm not ready to give up drinking and smoking and doing whatever drug will take my mind off of all this shit that I have. My dad would be livid and if he didn't kill us, Edward's dad would. How the fuck can we raise a child? Plus how the fuck would we run away? You just want to drag my pregnant ass around so I can give birth in The Ick maybe on the street? Do you even think about these things? I don't even like kids. And I don't want kids."

"Really? You don't want kids?" That's what he got out of my rant.

"Why? So I can fuck up their lives like my mother did to mine?"

"It's not Renee's fault that things got messed up. And you'd be a great mom."

"Renee the reason my life is all fucked up." I sat back down on the couch beside him. "You have no idea. She is the worst example of a mother so I don't exactly have a good model. And most of all I don't want a kid like me. I don't want to deal with a pain in the ass like me. And if by some miracle I have a child that isn't a monster like I am, I can't bring an innocent child into this miserable world." There was a long pause where we awkwardly stared at each other not knowing what else to say. We were both mad and upset at different things and we were totally out of sync with each other. It was just another severed string in our already thin relationship. "It's like you don't even know me at all anymore."

"Fuck, Bella. I just wanted to let you know that I love you no matter what. I'm here for you. I fucking love you. And I'm sorry but this is the only way for me to show you. It's all you understand." He grabbed my face in his sweaty palms and kissed my lips. He held back. It's a light kiss but I can tell that he wanted more. His body was hungry for more. But he held himself back and he released my face and pulled away from me. "That's all I've got. It's all you'll allow me." I can see the tears glistening in his eyes.

"Well, stop!" I shouted at him, not sparing his feelings at all. "I've laid it out for you, I'm not ready for that. I don't want a relationship. You're not getting more from me. And you're not getting _anything _from me tonight." There was a long pause in our conversation. "I need a break. I don't want to think about this. I have enough shit. I just want your friendship right now. That's all I can handle. When you get horny go ahead and find someone else."

He meets my eye again. "There is no one else." I looked away from him and began to stand but he grabbed my arm and forced me back down into the soft cushions of the couch. "I know you always say that we aren't together like that but I assumed that there was still no one else. Are you...? Is there...? Are there other guys? Do you have other guys? It's not just me?" I pulled away from him and stood, not looking back. "Bella, please," he begged. I can hear in his voice that there are tears. "If those results were different, would that baby have even been mine?"

"I don't know, Jake," I said as I walked across the room. I knew I shouldn't but just because I wasn't in love with him doesn't mean I didn't care, I turned back and I instantly regretted meeting his eyes again. I could see the anger and most of all the hurt that was reflecting in them. "Please get out. I can't do this right now. I just need to be alone for a little while." He didn't move a muscle. I couldn't even see his chest move to take a breath. "Get out!" I shouted at him losing my patience. "Now! Get the fuck out!" I reached out and throw a pillow at him. That broke him from his trance and he walked away without another word slamming the door behind him.


	13. 12: You Pray it All Away

**Chapter 12**

**You Pray it All Away but it Continues to Grow**

Death. It makes us leave home. It makes us come home. It makes us remember. It makes us wish we could forget. Death. I've seen too much.

I think back to the day that changed everything. I finally got what I wanted but it wasn't at all like I imagined it. Be careful what you wish for.

Who knows what would have happened if that day had been different. Maybe if that pregnancy test came back positive everyone would still be alive. Maybe if I would have said yes to the proposal, things would be different. Maybe we would all be happy. I think back to all the things I could have done and should have done differently. But it makes no difference. You can't change the past. What's done is done. What's gone is gone. And there is no going back now. All I can do is pick up the pieces of my shattered life and try to hold them together as best I can.

XXXXX

I had never felt more alone before in my life. I lied in my bed waiting for darkness to fall feeling sorry for myself. I had tried calling Edward several times and he didn't answer. He promised he would never miss another one of my calls after the last time but it seems like he's broken his promise. And for the first time ever I think I had finally crossed a line with Jacob. I was positive that even if I wanted to call him, he would ignore me too.

Jacob was supposed to come with me tomorrow to Seattle but I was pretty sure that was off now. We only had a few more days before we left and I had no idea if we were all still on the same page. For all I know Edward gave up on us and left already. And maybe Jacob too. Maybe they were both done with me. What would I do then? Was I really able to live on my own? I had forced a break from the boys before. It was hard but I could do it. But this... even an hour seemed impossible. I dialed Edward's number again and still no answer. I wanted to throw my phone at the wall in anger but then I would really be alone. At least the phone gave me hope that someone would answer for me if I needed it.

I tried Edward again and when he didn't answer I left an angry voice mail. With Charlie out of the house for awhile it wasn't necessary to go outside to smoke but I couldn't break the habit. I climbed out onto the roof and lit up a cigarette. It did little to calm my nerves. I popped a few vicodins and downed it with several swigs of the half empty rum that Alice brought over after hearing about Charlie. It's good to have friends who knew what I really needed at times like those. I thought about calling her but wasn't in the mood. I yawned as I finished the cigarette, flicking the butt down into the grass below. It was a long day and I was mentally exhausted so I drew my shade to block out as much light as I could and it didn't take long before I drifted off to sleep.

I had woken as soon as the sun had set. It was typical of my life, always doing things the wrong way. It wasn't a long sleep but it was enough to recharge me. The pills had kicked in and I had a slow motion calm over me. But I was still left with a strange sensation that I never had accompany any pills before. Just below my skin was buzzing and my stomach was tied up in tense knots. It was strange and unfamiliar but came with the oddest sense of deja vu. I should have known what it was. I should have remembered the feeling of impending doom. I should have known something awful was on the horizon. I had learned earlier in life to trust my instincts but after years of getting by just fine I pushed the warnings into the back of my mind. Or maybe I was just too scared to admit how terrified I was to be alone. And how much I worried about the fate of the boys when I couldn't reach them.

I tried to call Edward again and still no answer. I left another hateful message. I climbed out my window with the bottle of rum and a pack of cigarettes. I stared over at their house it seemed eerily calm. I watched for signs of movement. I listened for signs of a fight or anything. But it remained a mystery to me. I smoked a cigarette as I continued to watch in vain.

I tried to keep myself busy around the house while the minutes ticked by slowly. I couldn't help but feel odd when past three in the morning Jacob hadn't come by for our standard night time cuddle. Of course he wouldn't tonight. He was respecting my wish for distance or he was too angry at me. Either way I was on my own and I hated the feeling.

I was out on the roof again with my fourth cigarette, trying to convince myself not to panic, that we all just needed some space. A break from each other, wasn't that what I had said? But I was failing miserably. It just didn't feel right to not be able to contact them to make sure everything was still okay. I tried Edward again and still nothing. My wind blew hard signaling an approaching storm. My clothes suddenly felt too tight and I longed for the feel of the wind on my skin. I stripped down to nothing more than a thank black tank top that bared my midriff and a pair of pink panties. I rested back on my elbows and relished in the feeling of the wind but it wasn't nearly as satisfying as it usually was. I stared at the Masen's house for any signs of movement and strained my ears for the slightest hint of a sound from that direction. But there was still nothing to be seen or heard.

I thought about going inside and trying and failing to sleep in there. It would at least keep me from lighting up my fifth cigarette. But I couldn't. What else was there to do inside? Sit and watch the red numbers of the old digital clock change as it slowly drove me insane? At least out here I could watch and listen and smoke. When I finished that cigarette I flicked the butt down into the grass again. I always wondered why Charlie never noticed the scattering of the butts around the yard. Maybe he knew and just didn't care. Or maybe he was more clueless about me than I thought. I groaned and climbed back through the window. I walked into the bathroom and checked my reflection in the mirror, anything to keep my busy mind from wondering. I didn't want to think about all the things that could be going wrong. The lack of sleep was really getting to me. My face was more pale than usual, which was hard to do, and gaunt. Dark circles surrounded my sad brown eyes. I looked like death was nipping at my heels and I felt just about as good. I didn't know how much longer I could go on like I was. I splashed some cold water on my face and popped a few aspirin into my mouth, swallowing them with the last of the rum. It probably wouldn't help me sleep, or ease the pounding headache I had but it was worth a try.

I walked back outside, it seemed unusually quiet, even the cicadas seemed softer. I sighed and pulled my sixth and final cigarette from the pack and placed it between my lips. I prayed I had another pack inside. With the way I was going, I could probably finish off an entire carton before the sun came up. I rested my head between my knees and slowly exhaled the lungful of smoke when I heard the faint sounds of footsteps in the grass. "My head shot up and I watched Jacob approaching. He didn't bother to climb the tree. "What's wrong?" I asked immediately flicking my lit cigarette into the grass below. I didn't care if it lit the house on fire. Something so much more important was happening.

"I need your help," he said softly. "I know you said you needed a break but this is too important. And I didn't know where else to go."

"Fuck what I said before," I said as I quickly descended the tree. "We might be messed up but we're still best friends. We can always count on each other." I jumped to the hard earth below, the early morning dew dampening my feet as Jacob quickly began to walk back to his property. The moon was hidden behind a heavy blanket of clouds so there wasn't much light for me to see him but I did my best to study him for new injuries. He didn't look any worse than he had a few hours ago when I saw him last.

He quietly ushered me in through the back door and I crept down the hallway to the bedroom he shared with Edward. I hadn't been in the house for a while but I could still navigate in the pitch dark, skillfully avoiding every creaky floor board. Jacob closed the door slowly and quietly. Jacob turned his bedside lamp on and the small messy room was illuminated in a dim light revealing scattered clothes, magazines and a large lump in Edward's bed covered by his heavy blue blankets. It took me a moment to realize that lump was Edward. And he looked even closer to death than I did. Jacob gestured to Edward's bed and I slowly walked over. The soft light shown on Edward's pale, damp face as she shuddered slightly. He groaned and writhed a moment before completely stilling. I climbed into bed next to him. I pulled the blankets back to find him dressed only in a pair of boxers. His entire body was glistening with sweat. I looked at Jacob with question in my eyes. Jacob released a heavy sigh and threw out his hands. "A few guys dropped him off awhile ago. He was ranting about something like a mad man. I don't know. It was hard to keep him quiet then he suddenly mellowed out, curled up in bed and blacked out. I don't know what's wrong with him." Jacob shrugged, trying to look casual about it but I could see the worry reflected in his eyes. "I've never seen him like this before."

"Did you know the guys?" I asked as I touched Edward's forehead which felt warm to me.

"No," Jacob said shaking his head.

I returned my attention back to Edward. "Hey, Edward," I whispered to him, stroking his forehead gently. "Edward. Eddie, wake up, babe." I shook him gently and his eyes fluttered open to reveal only the whites before they quickly shut again. His body trembled slightly beneath my touch. I sighed and bit my lip as rolled Edward onto his back and began to look over his body. It was hard to see the small pin prick near the crook of his arm. "Fucking, asshole," I whispered under my breath. I didn't remember much of my trip to know what someone on heroin looked like. Is this what I was like? Is this why Edward refused the leave my side for so long. Because if it was I understood now. If he was half as scared for me as I am for him right now, I completely understand. I turned to Jacob and didn't really know what to say. "There is a chance that maybe we should take him to the hospital. I don't know if this is just a really bad trip or an overdose," I admitted out loud, really scared of what the answer was. Either way I was furious at Edward. After all the promises he made me make, he went out and made the same stupid choices I did. And for no fucking reason at all. At least I was grappling with the possibility of losing Charlie at the time of my incident.

Edward always seemed to have his shit together. He was always the most mature out of all of us. He always said that the way he grew up forced him to grow up faster. I can understand that. I have my shit but at least I was able to get away from Phil. But I never thought he would resort to something like this. I knew he messed around with drugs, like we all did. When you live in a sleepy town like this without much else to do it's inevitable. But we were always in control. Were being the key word. I went for the hard shit so I guess I shouldn't give him a hard time about following me down that deep dark path. I just hoped that once he got through this, he wouldn't want to do it again as much as I wanted.

"No," Jacob said adamantly as he shook his head. "No hospitals. No fucking way."

"Okay." I nodded, not surprised by his answer. I knew he wouldn't allow me to take Edward to the hospital. We both knew drugs were involved which meant cops would be involved. Which meant his parents would be involved. Which meant that Edward would suffer the harsh consequences. "He was at Tanya's tonight wasn't he?"

"I guess." Jacob shrugged. "He visits her almost every night."

"Fuck me," I cursed as quietly as I could so I wouldn't wake anyone else in the house. I stood from the bed, the blood rushing to my head and making me feel faint for a moment. I ran my fingers through my hair and pulled out my phone.

"What?" Jacob asked nervously. "What's going on? Who are you calling?"

"Don't worry about it. I just need a minute. Stay here and keep an eye on Edward." I took Jacob's phone from him and slowly and quietly crept out of the room and away from the house as I called James. He was a dealer. My drug dealer. And he was the real deal. Not one of those high school dealers that handed out weed and ecstasy to teenagers, though he did a lot of that too. I'm talking a real dealer, selling the hard shit: LSD, cocaine, heroin. You name it, he could hook you up. And he hooked me up plenty of times. Edward too. That's how he met Tanya, his little sister.

"Yeah?" James answered, his voice was still the same low, raspy voice that I used to find so sexy.

"James," I said flatly.

"That's what they call me," he laughed. I could tell he was high as fuck.

"It's Bella."

"You think I don't know that? I could never forget my favorite customer. You going to stop by anytime soon. I've been missing you."

"No." I sighed heavily. He was impossibly difficult when he was high. This was going to be a giant pain in my ass. "I just wanted to ask you a few questions.

"Shoot," he said smoothly.

"What did you give him?" I asked, trying to hid the worry from my voice.

"What? Who?" he spoke slowly and I could hear the heavy breaths he took as he smoked a cigarette. I hated the fact that I knew him well enough to be able to picture him sitting in his recliner smoking with that smirk he always gave me before I would give into him.

"James," I said firmly. "You know exactly who I'm talking about. I know Edward was over there tonight. I need to know what you gave him."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I could almost hear him smiling over the phone as he lied to me. He thought he was so clever and so smart but I knew his game. I kind of secretly dated him. I watched him work. I helped him perfect this game.

"Don't give me that fucking bullshit!" I shouted at him in a hushed tone. "Whatever you gave him is giving him a bad trip. Is this your idea of revenge? Are you trying to get back at him for beating you up over me."

"The guys got it bad for you, baby girl." He laughed. "I'm not one to hold a grudge over something like that."

"Don't fucking lie to me! I am not one to be messed with right now," I seethed. "He looks like shit. And if something happens to him, so help me god, I will come after you. Don't underestimate me, I will fucking destroy you. You know that I could. And I know Edward a lot better than you do and I know this for sure, whatever he took so did Tanya." I paused for a moment and his laughter abruptly stopped. "Oh," I sighed. "You didn't know he was fucking your baby sister?" I gloated.

The line was silent for a long time before James finally spoke again. "I didn't try to poison him or anything. He'll come off it. Don't worry." The worry was apparent in his voice. Tanya was the only person he truly cared for other than himself. I could hear his floorboards creak as he walked around his house to check on his sister. "It's just a bad trip. Some trips get people happy, other times you get trapped in nightmares." 

"He better," I seethed through clenched teeth. "I know a lot about you, your business and your family. I could destroy you and Tanya both if I wanted," I threatened. It probably wasn't the smartest idea to threaten a known drug dealer but I felt safe. He wouldn't touch the police chief's daughter. And as messed up as I sounded, I was the recipient of his unrequited love.

"I know," he said softly. "Calm down, baby. Calm down," he started. "Give it a few more hours to run through his system and he'll be good as new. You know how it works. He'll be perfectly fine by sun up." 

"He better be. And don't you dare deal with him again," I warned before I hung up the phone and sneaked back into the boys bedroom. I sat beside Edward again and brushed my fingers through his hair. I liked to think that somewhere in there he could feel me comforting him. But I remember what this trip was like. He was checked out for awhile.

"What?" Jacob asked. "Who did you call. What was so important you couldn't wait for?" 

"Nothing. I just checked in with one of our friends, checking up on what he was doing before. It's nothing. He should be fine. Give it a few hours. Just a lot of drugs in a bad combination."

"Who was it? What did they say?" he asked through a yawn.

"Don't worry about it. It's not important." I shook my head and smiled at him. "You should get some sleep. I'll wait up. I'm not tired. I'll keep an eye on him make sure everything is okay."

"No," Jacob said with a shake of his head. "I'm fine." He yawned again.

"You're a terrible liar. I'll wake you up if he gets any worse or better," I offered as I sat beside him on his twin bed.

"How about we just wait up together?" He suggested as I leaned my back against the wall and rested my head on his shoulder.

"Deal," I agreed.

"I'm sorry," he said before yawning again. "I was an asshole before."

"Me too. I'm sorry."

"Thank you for coming over."

"I will always be here for you," I reminded him. "No matter what else is going on between us." I watched Edward breathe for a minute before speaking again. "Can we just forget about everything that happened earlier? Can we just go back to how we were before?"

"We don't have to forget about it," Jacob said as he intertwined his fingers though mine. "But we can move past it right now. Nothing has to change between us. I love you. And this is what love is. Sometimes things are hard but you always work through them." He brought our hands up to his mouth and kissed my hand softly. "Just don't forget that I meant what I said. I do want to spend forever with you. But I'm willing to wait as long as I have to."

"How romantic," I chuckled. "An open proposal with a ring pop."

After that, we sat in silence. We didn't want to risk Edward's parents hearing us. Edward had already started to improve and was sleeping soundly. He stopped shaking and he wasn't warm to the touch anymore. We lucked out this time. But there better not be a next time. But as the minutes ticked by slowly my eyelids became heavy and I fought to keep them open. Jacob had already fallen asleep fifteen minutes ago. And with each passing second it grew harder as I feel asleep for a few seconds only to jerk awake. Those few seconds turned into minutes and then I just didn't wake up at all.

"What the fuck?" A voice jerked me awake from a deep sleep, I squinted as the harsh sunlight shined brightly through the small room. I couldn't sleep at home but I could sleep sitting up in Jacob's bed? The heat of Jacob's body beside me had me damp with sweat already. Across from me I could see Edward awake in his bed and remembered the events that unfolded last night. He looked good, better than I thought he would. I looked like shit after I came down from heroin. I was jerked to my feet when I was grabbed by my broken arm luckily it was pretty much healed and I only felt a little twinge of pain. That was when I realized what happening. Mr. Masen was standing in front of me scowling, his hand gripped my arm tightly as if he was trying to hurt me. "What are you doing bringing this whore into my house!" He shouted, glaring at Jacob.

"It's not like that," Jacob said, his voice small with fear.

"He di-" I began to protest but Mr. Masen pushed me up against the wall and kept me pinned in place. My head immediately began throbbing and I felt his hands wrap around my throat. It could barely get any air into my lungs with how tightly he squeezed.

"Let me go." I pleaded, my voice raspy with strained effort. I tried to keep myself calm and not panic but he just smiled and tightened his grip. I tried to pry his fingers lose before he finally let me go. I didn't even have time to draw in a full breath before he struck me. The entire left side of my face is stung and I could feel my flesh beginning to swell.

"Don't touch her!" Edward shouted, springing from his bed and pulling his father from me.

Mr. Masen retaliated and punched Edward way harder than he hit me. I winced and turned my head as the blood started to pour from Edward's nose. "Mind your own damn business!" He shouted at his son.

"Edward!" I could help but shout, instinctively was I tried to get to him to make sure he was alright. He had a rough night already. He didn't need it to get any worse. But before I could help Edward Mr. Masen caught me and twisted my arm and held it behind my back, sending a sharp pain through my entire arm. I bit my lip to keep from screaming, I knew from the stories that only make it worse. He pushed me forward forcefully and I slammed against the wall again. My head struck a shelf and I could feel the blood start to fall from my gash in my forehead almost instantly. I tried to wipe away the blood before it got into my eyes.

"Leave her alone," Jacob said timidly as he tried to walk between Mr. Masen and I. It didn't take much, Edward's dad hit him once and he was on the ground. Mr. Masen lowered his foot down and stomped Jacob in the torso. Mr. Masen tried to lunge at me but Edward got the in middle of us again.

"I told you to mind your own fucking business!" Mr. Masen shouted again, hitting Edward with such a force that he flew backwards onto his bed, he bounced and his his head hard on the windows ledge. A sob escaped my throat and I slid down the wall. Everyday. How can they do this everyday? I've only been involved for about a minute and I was already over it. I could see Edward's mom in the doorway, her hand was over her mouth in shock as she tried to force a little girl down the hallway and out of view.

Mr. Masen grabbed my arms and pulled me to my feet. He pushed me up against the wall, pushing himself against me. I turned my head away as he opened his mouth and breathed on me. "So you came here looking for fun?" He asked, I could still smell the alcohol on his breath and I felt his hand reaching in between us. My heart was racing so fast that I thought it would stop. He couldn't do this. Not here. Not now. Not with all these people around. "I'll show you fun." I looked at the destruction around us, Jacob was still writhing in pain on the floor and Edward was stumbling as he tried to stand from the bed.

He bucked his hips against me and I lost it. I made the mistake of night fighting back when I was younger but I wouldn't do that again. "Get your fucking hands off me!" I shouted and pushed him away with all my strength, which is surprisingly enough to get him almost five feet away from me. "You will show me nothing!" He took a step forward and lifted his hand, backhanding me. But I didn't cry. I just turned my head and glared at him. "If you touch me again you will be sorry." I threatened through clenched teeth. "Do you really think my father isn't going to notice what the hell you just did to me?" I tried to threaten him knowing hoping that would stop him and I could at least get the boys out of here and far away.

"Isn't your father all but dead?" Mr. Masen smirked at me. "He isn't going to notice shit." He grabbed me and pulled me to up against him again, his breath hot on my ear. "I could have my way with right now and kill you later and no one would know a goddamn thing. No one in this house would ever turn me in. Especially not over a stupid little whore like you."

"Watch you mouth, old man," Edward said finally getting to his feet. He swayed slightly as he stood as if he could fall over at any moment. "Don't you dare talk to Bella like that. And don't even think about touching another hair on her fucking head. She doesn't deserve this. Let her go." Edward took a step forward and stumbled, almost falling over.

Mr. Masen laughed at his son. "So she can miss out on all the fun?" He came up on me again and before I could fight him off at all his hand slid under the waistband of my panties. I screamed as loud as I could and fought with all I had but it didn't make a bit of a difference. "No one here is going to stop me." He smirked at me and I left one finger grazing along my slit. My entire body tensed as I prepared myself for what was to come. "It's going to be a lesson to everyone here. I get what I want or-" he didn't get to finish. Edward was on his feet and hit his father over the back of the head with the lamp. My body relaxed as Mr. Masen's finger were off of me and he crumpled to the floor.

"Get out of here," Edward said as he looked at me. I quickly walked over to where the boys were.

I shook my head. "Not without you guys." I said looking between Edward and his brother who was finally getting to his feet.

"Ma," Edward called over his shoulder. "Get her out of here." He grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the room, handing me off to his mother. Mr. Masen growled and wobbled to his feet and went for Jacob.

"Please," I begged. "We can go. Right now. Come with me." I grabbed his arms and held on as tightly as I could.

He pried my fingers off of him and fought against his mother as she tried to pull me away. "Please, leave with me before it's too late." He shook his head and I tried another tactic. "I'll go call the cops. This ends now."

"Please don't," he begged. "Promise me. I know what I'm doing. This is my world you're in now. Just go home and wait for us." I reluctantly agreed. "This is how it always is, Bella. He'll calm down. Just go home and wait for us." He gave me a sad smile and leaned in to whisper in my ear. "We'll leave tonight. I've got a plan. I love you," he said and placed a quick kiss on my lips and closed the door on me.

I stopped fighting against Edward's mom and I glared at her with hate in my eyes. "He's going to fucking kill them! And you're just letting him!"

"Oh, honey," she sighed. "He's just a little angry. You know how men can be with their tempers. He'll calm down soon and everything will go back to normal." There were were still sounds of a fight through the door with a grunt and the sound of skin hitting skin and Mrs. Masen had to hold me back. "I'll go stop them," she said with a smile and brushed her shaking hands against her shirt. "Go take Abby to your house. I'll be by to get her later." I stared at her in shock. She had really lost it somewhere along the way. She pushed a little girl at me and shoved me towards the door.

"We'll go get help," I said and took Abby by the hand she looked to be in shock.

"You get help," Mrs. Masen said in all seriousness as she grabbed my arms. "And he _will _kill them. Just let us handle this on our own. We know what we are doing."

That didn't make me feel any better but it wasn't the first time I had been told that. "I can't wait forever. You have an hour before I call the cops."

She nodded her head and rushed us out the back door. I took Abby to my room and sat her down on my bed. "You okay?" I asked, my voice shaking with fear.

She nodded. "I've been in and out of the system for years. Most homes aren't like that but some aren't that good." She looked away from me and kicked her legs. "My dad was like that. He tried to kill my mom. Is he going to kill those boys."

"No, sweet heart." I couldn't help but try to make her feel better. I know what it was like to be a little girl lost and afraid. "Everyone is going to be just fine."

"I called the cops on my dad. Shouldn't we call the cops on Mr. Masen?"

I smiled at her nervously. "My dad is a cop. I'll call him."

"My mom and dad were always in trouble with the cops," she said sadly. She looked around the room and picked up a few of the pictures I had sitting on my bedside table. "I bet this was a nice house to live in," she awed. It looked like a nice place to live and this house was. But I didn't want to tell her just how difficult I had it growing up. Sometimes giving someone a little hope is the best thing you can do.

"I'll go call my dad. Wait here and give me a few minutes." I patted her leg and stood. "Everything is going to be okay," I tried to reassure her. "It might not seem like it right now but it's going to be okay."

I walked into the bathroom and looked on in horror at my reflection. And I thought I looked bad the night before. My was was still gaunt but now the pallor was washed out by the bruises forming on the left side of my face and the big gash above my right eye. There was blood smeared all over my face and I had gotten it all over my cast. And I suddenly was very aware of the fact that I was barely dressed. I gave myself a quick wash and did my best to bandage the cut above my eye before I walked back into the room with Abby. "I called my dad," I lied. "He's going to make sure everyone is just fine." I grabbed clothes from my closet and went to the bathroom to change quickly. When I got back I opened my window and got out onto the roof. Abby tried to follow me but I forced her to stay inside. I took her with me to keep her safe, not to let her fall of the roof and get hurt that way.

I pulled out a cigarette with shaking hands and had trouble lighting it. "Cigarettes cause cancer. Cancer will kill you," Abby said as she stood just inside the window and watched me.

"I know," I said quietly. "I'm going to quit one day." She tried to keep talking to me but I politely shushed her. I needed some peace and quiet. I stared at the house and tried to keep myself calm. It was too still and too quiet. My mind raced with every bad thing that could be happening in there. I kept a close on the time and when an hour passed and nothing happened I wrestled with what to do.

I crawled back inside and Abby looked at me. "The cops never came. You never called your dad, did you?"

"Sometimes grown ups don't always make the right choices," I said sadly.

"I know that," she said just as sadly. My heart broke for her. She was small for her age so you would mistake her for a younger child but she seemed to be wise beyond her years. She had already seen the darkness in the world and accepted it. "What do we do now? It's been a long time."

I released a long heavy breath and considered my options. But before I could come up with the right answer Jacob burst into my bedroom. His face was bruised like mine. He had a good amount of blood on him but I didn't see any marks on his face. He hunched forward awkwardly making me think that he had a broken rib at the very least. That didn't stop me from running into his arms and pulling him in for a tight hug. "Thank god, you're alive!" I shouted. He winced and pulled away from me. "How bad is it?" I lifted his shirt and tried to look him over, still not finding any cuts on him.

"I'll be fine." He tried to brush me off. "It's not my blood," he said coldly. "We have to go," he said evenly.

"Yeah, of course. Everything is ready. What happened? How is everybody? Where are they?"

"Now," he said with a bit of urgency.

"As soon as mom gets Abby..." And that's when he lost it. He collapsed against me and he started to sob hysterically. "What happened?" I asked almost afraid to hear the answers.

His sobbing slowed to just a steady cry and he met my questioning gaze with nothing but total sadness in them. "They're gone. They're all gone." He fell to the floor and his body heaved with heavy ragged breaths. I had seen him cry before but this was different. It was as if everything good was drained from him.

"Gone," I said softly. I wanted to believe that he meant that they had just left but I understood the deeper meaning of his words. They weren't just gone. They were dead.

**Author's Note**: I have a few things to say. First, please don't hate me. There is still a lot of story left (probably between 7 and 10 chapters) so don't get mad about how this chapter ended. The story is not over yet. Secondly, I have been having some computer issues and it is difficult to respond to all the reviews but I want you to know that I read them all! I love them and I appreciate them. I am so thankful that you can take some time our of your busy life to give me a response. It means the world to me that I can write something you hopefully enjoy. And if you don't, let me know that too! I love all kinds of feedback. Thank you again. I hope to get another chapter up soon! Thanks for reading!


	14. 13: Without You On My Mind

**Chapter 13**

**Without You on My Mind**

When Renee gets to her car she stops and looks back at us. She forces a smile and whispers in Carly's ear. The little girl smiles and waves at us blowing a kiss. "Love you, sissy," she yells as Renee bends down to strap her in the car seat. When Renee is done she closes the car door and looks back at me. She forces another sad smile as she stares at me. "Please don't forget to call," she says. "I have so much to say whenever you are ready to listen." With that she gets into the car and drives away quickly.

He doesn't need to say anything out loud, I can hear the question in the way he looks at me. "I'm not ready," I say meekly. "I don't know when I will be. But I'm not in a rush. She sure as shit wasn't. I have too much else going on right now." His eyes ask another unsaid question. "I'm not ready to think about it right now."

"I thought we stopped keeping secrets from each other," he reminds me. "Look at where all of our secrets have gotten us so far."

"I know. You're right. You're always right. But I'm not keeping secrets from you," I promise him. "We've learned our lessons the hard way." I meet his intense stare. "It's the one thing our vows had in common," I say with a smile as I twirl the ring around my finger.

XXXXX

There was so much that I wanted to say to him but I didn't know where to start. I couldn't really promise him that it would be okay now because that would be a lie. And even if I found the right words, I don't think I could say them. My throat was closed so tight as I tried to hold back the tears. I could wait to grieve. It was his family that was lost. I needed to let him grieve first. Once we got to a quiet safe place where I could get some time alone I would have my breakdown. A part of me wanted to know what happened. I mean, I had seen things begin to unfold but I wanted to know what happened after I left. But the smarter part of me didn't want to think about it at all. And I knew I could never ask him about it. I couldn't make him relive it. A sudden wave of guilt hit me hard, I shouldn't have listened to them. I should have trusted my instinct I should have called the cops. It might not have changed anything but it could have.

I took in a deep shaking breath as I tried to gather my thoughts. I ran around my room and tried to get everything ready. I couldn't take Abby with us but I couldn't leave her alone. I didn't rush, despite Jacob's urging but in ten minutes the house was locked up tight and the three of us were in my car. It was difficult to drive when my eyes kept filling with tears I refused to shed and hands that trembled so badly I had a difficult time staying in my lane. I tried to take in deep even breaths to calm myself but I pretty much had to put myself on autopilot before I fell apart. I had been through some shit before but the news that Edward was gone was like a knife in my heart. Jacob and Edward were the other parts of me and I suddenly felt as if I had lost a limb.

It wasn't hard to say goodbye. I knew that I had too. I didn't even have time to write Charlie a note, I had been putting it off until the very end. I should have done it earlier. I knew a quick getaway was always a possibility. I looked in my mirrors for one last glimpse of my childhood home. I did miss it sometimes but I had never imagined that in only two years I would be able to go home.

It was a short drive to the police station where I stopped. Though I had just met Abby a few hours ago I was already wrestling with the guilt of leaving her. She already suffered from abandonment issues I didn't want to make things even worse for her. I got our of the car with her and wrapped her up in a tight hug. "I'd take you with us if I could." She nodded and I could see her bottom lip quiver as she tried to hold back the tears. "The world isn't full of bad people, Abby. There is still some goodness out there. It might be hard to find sometimes but it's there. Never give up. Never stop looking for your happily ever after. And settle for nothing less than that."

"I know," she said quietly. Looking at her then, I thought I seriously had her wrong. She wasn't sad and broken. She was smart too smart for someone her age. She didn't give in and give up like I had at that age. She was a fighter. She was going to make it. "You're one of the good ones." She turned to walk away and I stopped her.

"I need you to do me a favor," I asked, handing her a small slip of paper. "I need you to give this to the police officers in there but not right away. I need you to wait for a little while. The man that its for isn't here yet."

"When will he get here?" she asked, slipping the paper into her jeans pocket.

"Not for awhile. But they'll make sure he gets it." I give her another hug.

As I watched her walk into the station I couldn't help but wonder about her what he future would look like.

I got back into the car wiping tears from my cheeks. I didn't have enough time to sit and cry and wonder about Abby, I knew we had to get away before it was too late. I turned out of the drive not knowing where I was going just yet but knowing that I wasn't going to be alone. I was leaving to start a new life, with Jacob.

Though I had tried my hardest, I didn't make it very far before my emotions finally get the better of me. Luckily by then Jacob's tears had dried and he had gone into an emotionless state. He forced me to pull over and he took over driving. He didn't take us much farther. He pulled into the familiar campsites that we once spent time at in our youth. It didn't take long for us to find a cheap tent and set up. The first night we spent to ourselves. We didn't even talk to one another. We didn't eat. We just lied down side by side and were left alone with our thoughts. Sometimes we would cry. Sometimes we offered comfort. Sometimes we were just alone, together.

The second day wasn't much better. We didn't talk much, but we did talk. Never about our life before. We left that all behind us. It was like we had an unspoken agreement to not talk about our life before. It hurt too much. The pain was still too fresh. After 4 days of keeping just to ourselves, we decided it was time to face the world again.

The campgrounds were nice because each space had a lot of room instead of site on top of site. We had neighbors and luckily we didn't see families around us. At least for today it seemed like we were surrounded by college kids. It didn't take us long to bury our unsettled emotions deep inside and work our way into a large group of kids. It was easy to fit in. We lied and said we were also on summer break from college. They were welcoming and it was easy to mooch food, cigarettes and beer. As I sat around their campfire roasting marshmallows, I even forgot about my former life and all of its heartbreak. I was living the lie. I was happy. Then it all came rushing back like a punch straight to the gut. I had to excuse myself back to my tent for a minute. Jacob followed close behind.

I tried to hide my tears but he turned me around to face him and he wraps his arms around me as he starts to cry too. "I keep trying too," he said. "I think if I keep pretending maybe I can convince myself that I really am just some kind of summer holiday. But it always comes back. And the pain doesn't get any less."

"It'll get better one day," I said softly. "It has to."

"I don't know," Jacob sighed. "I don't know if I will ever be able to get over the things that I saw and did."

I looked at him and waited for him to elaborate. He said nothing. That's always how it was. "Do you want to talk about it?" I finally asked. I know I felt a lot better about things after I confided in Edward before.

I could feel Jacob's body tense. "No." His voice was flat and harsh. Obviously this was a subject he didn't want to discuss.

"It might make you feel better," I suggested.

"Talk about it?" he laughed. "I can barely stomach watching things play out in my head without getting sick."

We were silent for a moment. He might not want to open up to me yet but I needed to talk it out to start letting go. I was still holding on to the dreams of our big happy family. The mere thought brought tears to my eyes and my throat began to tighten as I tried to hold them back. "I miss him," I said softly. Again, Jacob tensed. "I always had this idea of the three of us together."

Jacob released me and sat up in the tent to glare at me. "You can be so... did you really think that the tree of us would just live happily ever after together for the rest of our lives? We could all grow old being best friends and that would be enough. We would never get married or have kids because being best friends and acting like we're seventeen forever would be enough. I can't stand that even now, he has this kind of affect over you. Will I ever be good enough for you?"

"Not forever. I know one day we would grow up and have separate lives but still be close. I never expected sunshine and rainbows. I knew it would be hard. But it's even harder with the guilt!" I almost screamed. "I should have left sooner. I should have forced you guys to leave. I shouldn't have stayed for my own personal reasons. It's my fault! I have to carry this guilt with me for the rest of my life. If I would have then people would still be alive! It's my fault that he's dead."

Jacob put his hand on my shoulder and rubbed gently. "Don't burden yourself with guilt. None of this is your fault," he tried to reassure me. "You did what you could. Everything that happened was because of Edward. He orchestrated his own downfall." His voice didn't speak of sadness, he was angry. I didn't push for more answers. I knew he wasn't ready to give them up so instead we settled back into the sleeping bags and we held each other close all night as we slept.

We woke up the next morning and had sex for the first time in almost a month. We didn't talk about the past again.

After three days that group left and we settled in with a new one. This group didn't offer any drugs but the company was still a pleasant distraction at times. It became easier to pretend every day that I wasn't totally broken inside. A week later the group we settled in was full of our kind of party people. We smoked Peyote the first night and I was finally beginning to feel comfortable in my new life. The next night someone brought out a bag of mushrooms to pass around. For those next few hours I didn't think about my past at all. I didn't think about my uncertain future either. I just lived in the moment enjoying the high. It was too easy. I didn't deserve it. I deserved to be punished. Even if Jacob didn't agree.

We settled into our tent that night with smiles on our faces. "I love you," Jacob said as his hands roamed over my body. He slowly stripped me of my clothing. I lied there and enjoyed the sensations of skin on skin. "I mean it. I love you. I know this isn't what we ever imagined but I'm happy. I have you and that's all I really need."

I gasped as he took my nipple into his mouth. I wanted to say those same things to him but I couldn't. "You know I'm glad that I have you," I said reaching between us to grip his hard length. "I don't want you to feel like I regret that I'm here with you. I am glad that I get to keep you," I placed a soft kiss on his lips. "Thank you."

"For what?" 

"For being you. For being patient with me. For everything," I said with a moan as he slipped his fingers into me. "I wouldn't have been able to do this without you."

He knew my body so well that it didn't take long for him to bring me to my climax. I reached between us again and placed him outside of my entrance. "And know that you are enough," I said as he eased himself inside of me.

When we were both spent we lied together sharing a cigarette. As I moved around I couldn't help but bang my cast against him and everything around us in our small tent space. "Tomorrow we get rid of that thing." The next morning he found some tools and was able to carefully remove my cast.

The last night of our new friends stay I was pulled aside by a small group of the guys. From what I understood of then they were the ones that held all the drugs. And on their last night they wanted to go out with a bang. They passed around a bottle of GHB. You'd think that I would have learned my lesson on doing drugs with strangers but I hadn't. I drank with them and it didn't take long for it to catch up with me and I blacked out. I woke up the next morning lying on the cool damp ground. I was freezing. My shirt was ripped and though I had my pants on, they were unbuttoned and my underwear were bunched at my hips. I did my best to fix myself up and return to camp. They were gone and Jacob was sleeping soundly in our tent. I walked to the showers and cleaned up. I cried the entire time. I stopped when I made a promise to myself to not be that stupid again.

Though I didn't remember much about the night before I tried to erase what I did know from my memory. I should have known better. And I was learning that no amount of acting out was going to change my life. I had to learn to live with it or it was going to destroy me. And it wasn't just me. Jacob was depending on me. I was all he had left. He deserved better than me. But I was what he had left so I had to be the best that I could.

The next few days were stormy days and we stayed in our tent and tried to stay dry. We smoked and drank what we were able to gather over the past few weeks from our various groups of friends. We still didn't talk about the past but with the days of summer coming to a close we had to talk about the future. We couldn't stay in a tent forever. When we needed a distraction we had sex. It was an easy routine to fall into. We tried to keep ourselves busy. When the storms passed and all we had to battle was the occasional rain shower we went out again and found another group of friends and started over. As the days went by we were able to gather more stuff than we started out with. We begged, borrowed and stole what we could.

We did this day after day. We found a group of kids and we sneaked our way in like we belonged. We ate their food and drank their beverages. They shared cigarettes and drugs if they had them. And when people weren't paying attention we took back what we could to our tent. We had a good collection of booze, cigarettes and clothes. Money was harder to come by everyone kept that close. But we slowly gathered more supplies each day. We also learned that people were always the most generous with two things. Men would always give you condoms. The very thought that someone was going to be having sex put them in a good mood and they did whatever they could to help make sex happen. Women would always share tampons. They knew the terrible feeling of what it would be like to be without and would always help out hoping that when they need, someone would return the favor for them.

It was easy to take advantage of everyone around us and as each day went on it got easier. What never got easier was the pain. It didn't get to be any less at all. But we didn't obsess over it. We had started building a life for ourselves out here. But as the days went on and got shorter, the nights got colder and less and less people were there. It got harder to find the groups we would fit into. When that happened we had to get a little creative sometimes, this is when we started to now only beg and borrow but we had to steal. We did what we had to keep going. I had some money saved up, but I wanted to save that for whatever was next. I knew we couldn't spend a lot of time here. Eventually summer would be over and we would have to move on and settle down to make a new life for ourselves somewhere.

Jacob and I spent more time together as the schools opened for the year and there were fewer and fewer people at the campsites. We started to fall back into old routines. We laughed and smiled and played and it was almost like there wasn't a piece of us missing. Things had slowly changed for us. I began to feel like I wanted to be closer to him than I ever was before but I felt him pulling away from me at times. Sometimes he was there but lost in his own mind. I couldn't blame him, even if I didn't have all the details I knew that he often had nightmares about that night. Even with his slight distance Jacob kept professing his love for me and each time he said it, it became easier to hear. I wanted to be able to say it back. He deserved at least that. I often found myself thinking about all the ways I could fall in love with him. All the reasons I should fall in love with him. And I quickly realized that maybe I wasn't as dead inside as I thought. I wasn't in love with him but the thought that I could one day didn't scare me nearly as much as it used to. And with so many fewer things to worry about it was so much easier to live in the present and enjoy what was happening now.

As summer officially came to an end we cuddled together closely in our sleeping bags for warmth. We decided that it was time to move on with our original plan and to go to New York City. We packed up all of our stuff into The Ick and said a final goodbye to our home of several weeks. Jacob drove with one hand, the other in my lap. We tried to make plans about the future, where to live and how to make money but knew it would be almost pointless before we got there. We stopped occasionally for bathroom breaks and to change drivers. We slept on and off when we could occasionally stopping at a rest stop for a few hours together. We didn't stop for food much, we tried to mostly snacked on what we had gathered from the campsites. After smoking a cigarette I reached into the backseat, searching for a snack. I came back with a ring pop and Jacob grabbed it from me before I could open it. "Not that one," he said not pulling his eyes off the road. "I keep that in case of emergency."

"Is this..." I trailed of not believing in all the chaos that he actually packed the ring from his botched proposal.

"It is. I carry it with me just in case you ever change your mind. I told you it was an open proposal. All you have to do is say yes." I looked at him. I wasn't anywhere near ready to say yes, but I was slowly becoming open to the idea of it. "When we got to the city I promise I will buy a new ring. Whenever you're ready." We didn't talk much after that.


	15. 14: What You Have Found

**Chapter 14 **

**You'll Find Loss and Feel What You Have Found**

After all these years, I've never regretted leaving. I should. I really should. A life would be saved. But if we had stayed maybe more lives would be taken or destroyed. But you can't change the past. You can only shape the future. And my future doesn't look too bad right now. All of the drama is behind me and I can start fresh. It's like moving to New York again. Only this time I have nothing to run from. I'm done running. I'm free.

He rubs my leg as he struggles to get out of the tire swing. I pout at his lack of presence. In offering he pulls out his box of cigarettes and offers me one. I shake my head. "I quit," I said softly. "And this time I mean it."

"You've been saying that since you started," he said, his words muffled by the cigarette hanging out of his mouth. "I'll believe it when I see it."

"Well believe it." I say as I rock back and forth on the swing to gain momentum. "I've been pretending to be a grown up for years now but it's time I actually start acting like it." He raised his brow in question but didn't say a thing. And for that I was glad.

XXXXXX

With all of our stops it took just over three days to get into the city. We spent the first day in complete awe of the big city. I had spent some time in Seattle and in Phoenix with Renee but even those big cities couldn't prepare me for what New York would be like. It was such a big difference from the slow paced life of a small town. The first night we slept in the car. Or at least we pretended to sleep. I couldn't fall asleep and I could tell from Jacob's breathing that he was having the same troubles.

The second day we found an apartment easily. It didn't seem to be in the best neighborhood but it was home and it was ours. The apartment was leased to a kid, that didn't look much older than us and went by the name of Krazy. He was looking for someone to share the rent with. The apartment wasn't anything to brag about. It was very small and very outdated. It was a messy two bedroom with one small bathroom and a living room that wasn't very lived in. The kitchen, if you could call it that was a stove that looked older than me and a refrigerator. There was no microwave or table. The cupboards were bare and the sink had a loud drip.

The third day I left the apartment with hopes of finding a job. I realized as soon as I got out into the streets and passed by store after store without stopping in that my job search wasn't happening today. Instead I walked the streets alone with my thoughts. All my thoughts were of Edward. I saw him everywhere I looked. I thought I saw his face on almost every person I passed on the street. I watched a man lean up against a building to smoke and it reminded me of Edward. I found myself at the library and I went in. I waited for someone to leave a computer and I quickly took it over. My fingers hovered over the keys with a slight shake. I took a deep breath in and started to type. I began my search for answers. At first nothing came up. It's not like a small town like Forks was going to be national news or anything. I instead went to the regional papers and started my search. I came across nothing and was beginning to become frustrated until I read a headline from the Forks Forum. _Murder and Disappearances Devastate the Small Town of Forks_. I checked the date and cringed. This was it. These were my answers. I hovered over the title, waiting to click it. I waged an internal battle with myself. I wanted to know the answers. But did I really want the details. Wasn't the headline enough? Murder. There it was out there. Murder. Death. It happened. It was real. I couldn't stop the tears from falling even if I tried.

Then there was the part about the disappearances. That was me. That was Jacob. I didn't think there would be many people left to miss us. I mean, I knew Charlie would be. But after seeing what happened next door, I thought he would understand. I sat there for ten minutes, unable to move as I silently cried. "Can I help you?" An older woman asked as she placed her hand on my shoulder. I closed the screen not wanting her to see my search as if she would find out all of my deep dark secrets from that. I turned around and bushed her off then quickly left the library. If I wanted answers I now knew I could find them on my own. But I didn't think that I would need any more than what I already had. Murder. Death. Disappearances. It really happened. Just like it had in my worst nightmares. I tried and failed to find a secluded spot to cry it out before I went home but the city doesn't offer much solitude. So I settled onto a bench and cried in open view of everyone who passed. No one even gave me a second glance.

When I finally calmed I walked back to the apartment, across the street I saw a Now Hiring sign in a dinner window. The owner hired me on the spot when I told him I had experience and was willing to put on an apron and start to work immediately. It was an easy get paid under the table and no questions asked kind of job. It was a disastrous first day since I didn't know the menu or their systems there and my mind was still lost somewhere in Forks. I knew he was dead but it still didn't feel real. I had no closure. I didn't get to say goodbye or attend a funeral or even see a gravestone. And I never would. I knew I could never go back there. Even if I didn't have a lot of friends it was a small town everybody knew the police chief's daughter. I couldn't go back unless I wanted to stay.

In the week that we'd been there I'd changed a lot. I've slowly adjusted to life in the big city. Since I didn't really have use for The Ick in the city I sold it for a few hundred bucks. The money would be way more valuable than the car. I didn't trust a kid named Krazy to do a good cleaning job, especially since I haven't seen him do anything since we've moved in. So I've cleaned the apartment a lot. It was beginning to look a little more like a home than a total dump. I had slowly became domesticated. But beside working and cleaning, I didn't have much else to do. There was no TV, no radio, no furniture, very few kitchen appliances and when we moved in I couldn't find anything edible. Jacob and I slept in a sleeping bag in the smaller bedroom that Krazy never seemed to have a use for. Sure it wasn't very comfortable but at least we had something. We were away from all of our troubles. Or so I thought. There will always be trouble, you can't escape it.

It had been just over a week since Jacob and I found our new scrapes and bruises had healed but when it came to all the emotional and mental damage…that would take a lot longer.

Jacob still wouldn't open up to me. I tried all the ways I could think of to help him open up but he stayed closed and distant. He had little interest in doing anything, he mostly moped around the apartment. I found him a part time job doing some maintenance around the building and he picked up odd jobs fixing things and cars occasionally. The jobs barely paid but at least it got him out of the house for awhile. When he actually did them.

Krazy stayed to himself pretty much. I hardly ever saw him let alone talk to him. He was either out doing…whatever it was he did or he was locked in his room, sometimes with the company of friends sometimes alone. He was a difficult person to figure out so I didn't even try. He was just an eccentric guy that paid half the rent. Krazy's room was the only room in the apartment that had a working lock. When I did see him, I tried to avoid him but in a nice way. He seemed harmless enough but gave off a slight creep factor. And I didn't want to piss off a guy named Krazy. There had to be a reason he earned that name and I didn't want to find out why.

I walked into the apartment after a long day at work, I pulled a double. I took all the hours I could get. I needed the money. And I needed something to occupy myself. As usual, I brought something home to eat that was a perk of the dinner I always managed to score some free food.. Jacob was having a down day and didn't eat. He rarely ate anymore. He mostly sat around the apartment and got high. It was odd to see that change in him. He had gotten high with us a lot. But he was never one to do it other than socially. Now he smoked all the time. I had kept my promise to myself and stuck with just alcohol and cigarettes. It was hard when I sometimes wanted to do nothing more than to get high on whatever I could find but it wasn't worth it anymore. And there was barely any time for recreational activities like that anymore..

I walked down the small dim hallway and stopped in the doorway to our bedroom. As usual, Jacob was out on the balcony. Watching all the citizens go about their crazy lives as he smoked a joint. "I'm home," I said softly, announcing my presence. And as usual, he didn't respond. He didn't look at me, move at all or say a word. He just slowly lifted his right hand to his mouth and took a deep breath of his joint. "I brought some food home, if you're hungry." This time he gave me some kind of a response. He shook his head and just looked down over the edge of the balcony, watching a young girl chase a boy down and tackle him before smothering him with kisses. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I with I knew how to reach him again. Things were so different back at the campsite.

I threw my black apron and purse into the corner and sighed as I walked back down the hallway, putting the Styrofoam containers in the refrigerator just as Krazy walked into the house, pulling his hat over his eyes. "I brought home food. Help yourself." He simply nodded and vanished into his room, locking the door behind him. I walked back into the bedroom. Jacob hadn't moved at all. I stripped out of my work clothes that smelled of grease and changed into one of Jacob's old T-shirts and boxers and joined him out on the balcony. I looked at his face. He'd lost weight and had a disgusting growth of hair on his chin that I couldn't bring myself to call a beard. "How was your day?" I asked, grabbing a cigarette from the near empty pack and pretended not to notice the already empty pack resting beside him. He just shrugged and I sat down beside him and looked to the city below. A minute passed before I couldn't take it anymore. "Talk to me." I almost begged.

He pauses for a second. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Fuck, Jacob. When are you going to talk about it?"

"Listen…"

But I didn't listen. I interrupted, "You listen! I've been patient for long enough. I'm not just going to sit here and watch you waste away. We were happy or as close to it as we could be back at the campsites. What the fuck happened?"

"You," he said. "You were always there at camp. Now your always working. I never see you."

"What do you want me to do about that? I need to work. We need money." I shrugged.

"I know," he replied. "It's how it is now. It's just not easy being alone all the time. You aren't there to help me. You aren't there to distract me. All I do is sit and think and you wouldn't like the things that I think about." I paused hoping he would continue since I finally had him talking. "What if I deserve it?" He said softly, watching the smoke billowing from the tip of his cigarette. At least I got some kind of response out of him. "I think I deserved to have my life ripped away like that."

"Don't say that," I said softly, resting my hand over his and he jumped at my touch.

"I should have listened to you so long ago. If we would have left so much earlier than... things would be different. I know it."

"You don't know what would have happened anymore than I do.

"How do you know?" He shouted, finally turning to look at me. His eyes filling with tears and I could see the pain in them but it was hard to feel sympathetic towards him. "You weren't there! You didn't see! I can't stop thinking about it."

"You think you're the only one who gets to feel bad about it!" I shouted at him. "I lost people too! I didn't have to see it but that doesn't mean it doesn't affect me. I know how much it hurts. I know what it feels like to lose someone you love. I feel that loss every day. I never got to say goodbye! I left in such a rush and never got to grieve in the ways that I should have. I still feel like half of my heart is there and I can never get it back. I wake up missing Edward like crazy. And Charlie. I left my fucking dad behind. I can't stop thinking about that. I can never see or talk to my father again. I left him. I abandoned him when he needed me the most. I did that for you! I left with you! I chose you! I wanted to do this! But that doesn't mean that it was easy! Stop feeling so sorry for yourself like you are the only one who gets to feel sad. I fucking feel sad too. But I'm not going to let that stop me. I have no choice. If I want to survive this life that's what I have to do. And that's what you have to do to." I paused for a moment to calm down and I stopped yelling at him. "It's going to hurt every day for the rest of our lives. But you can either give up or move on the best you can. We might not have much. But we have each other. The rest of it doesn't matter any more." I shook my head.

"It's not that easy." He shook his head and turned away from me.

"Fuck yes it is!" I shouted, taking him by surprise. "Do you think you're the first person to do this?" I laughed and motioned to the street below us. "Half of those people down there are just like you!" He opened his mouth to speak but I don't let him interrupt, I just kept going. "No one here is who they say they are. And no one cares. That's the beauty of this. You can be anyone you want. You don't have to be Jacob Black anymore. Change your life story. Change your name. Call yourself Brad Pitt or God for all I fucking care. This is your second chance. Take it. You aren't getting another one." I paused for a minute, finishing my cigarette while I let everything I said sink in. "So who are you going to be?" I asked gently.

"I don't know. I guess I'm still Jacob Black," he said soft and unsure. "I just have to find my place in this new life."

"So get out there and do it," I encouraged him. "You're not going to find it from this balcony."

"I don't even know where to start."

"You just have to get out in the world and do it. Find a place to call your own." I pushed his shoulder. "But I suggest that you shower and shave first. That thing," I said pointing to his facial hair. "Not a good look."

"What? You don't like the beard? I thought women were found of the pussy tickler," he said rubbing his chin before he rubbed his sandpaper cheek against mine and I squirmed away backing into the bedroom to get away.

"I don't know what women you have been talking to." I laughed.

Jacob smiled and and he brought his body in front of mine. "Let's give it a try." His hands settled at my hips and he slid my pants down. When I didn't protest, he slid my panties down next. His head rested between my legs and his stubble tickled at my thighs. It wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. In fact if things were just right, it felt kind of amazing at times. Jacob laughed as he pulled away after my climax. "You can't complain about it now."

"You still look ridiculous and it has to go," I countered as I dressed again.

"Fine," he pouted. "First I eat. I need some energy before all the sex starts." He flashed me a smile and stood.

I raised my eyebrow. "Who said anything about sex?" I said as I followed him to the living room where he ate the cold burger I brought home. After he finished, I threw his garbage into the large black bag and turned to see him grinning wickedly.

"I'm ready for my sponge bath now."

"Hate to break it to you, but you aren't getting a sponge bath." I rolled my eyes and pushed him away as he stuck out his bottom lip in a pout.

I escorted him into the bathroom, handing him a toothbrush and toothpaste. He stole a quick kiss after brushing his teeth. "How's that?"

"Minty fresh." I smiled. Next comes shaving, which I had to do for him. I couldn't resist the pout. And amazingly I didn't cut him too bad.

I turned on the shower as he gently grabbed my arm. "Thanks."

"Anytime. It's what best friends are for." I smiled at him as he carefully steped into the shower.

"You're more than just a best friend." He said tightening his grip on my arm and pulling me into the shower with him.

"Jacob!" I shrieked. "I still have my clothes on!"

"Not for long." He winked as his hand traveled up my abdomen. I smiled and closed my eyes. I had missed that. I had missed him. My clothes were quickly dropped to the floor and his lips crashed against mine. My back pressed against the cool tiles as his hands roamed all over my body. It's good to have him back.

After we were done in the shower I finally convinced him to shave. It was nice to see his face back the way I always remembered it. He kissed me and I appreciated his soft skin against mine. "So I know you asked about my name and it just doesn't feel right for me to change mine right now. But I was thinking that maybe you wanted a new name?" He asked as he pulled his pants on. "Like Bella Black. You have to admit it has a nice ring to it."

"Like be your sister? That would kind of be weird considering I've slept with you." I cringed.

"I didn't mean in the sisterly kind of way." He slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out a ring. A real ring this time. It was small but beautiful in its simplicity. "I told you I'd get you the real thing. I know it's still not perfect and you deserve bigger but it's better than a ring pop," he smirked and dropped to one knee.

I didn't feel the same panic as I used to. But I still wasn't ready. "Jake, I still need some time." He stood up and started to walk away. "I didn't say no. I just can't say yes yet. I need a little time. But not as much as I used to think." We made our way back to our bedroom. "You once said that you weren't enough for me. But you are. And one day I will be able to prove that to you."


	16. 15: I'm Giving Up On You

**Chapter 15**

**I'm Giving Up On You**

He twirls the ring he put on my finger almost a year ago and kisses my hand before letting it go. "You know, I love you," he whisperes into my ear.

"I love you too," I whisper back.

"You can tell me what's on your mind."

I shake my head. "I don't even know where to start. There is so much that has come back since being here." I paused and looked down at the box at my feet. "This is all that's left of my old life. One small box."

"And all the memories," he reminds me.

I wish I could put the memories inside the box so I could forget about them for a little while.

XXXXXX

A year and a half passed by quickly. The time passed by faster than I thought was possible. Things changed between Jacob and I. He still moped around quit and bit and spent too much time cooped up in the apartment but he at least went to work most of the time. We settled into a life here and it was nice. Things weren't always easy but we made the best of them.

It wasn't easy but I managed to keep myself as clean as possible. I still drank and every once and again I got carried away and got drunk but it was rare. I couldn't give up cigarettes no matter what I tried. And on a very rare occasion I smoked a joint with Jacob. But I hadn't done anything harder than that. It was hard. It never got easier but I never gave in. I can't say the same for Jacob. Though I never saw him do anything other than smoke some weed, he was out of it a lot. He never had money and he sometimes liked to keep too much distance while other times he couldn't get close enough to me. I saw a lot of the signs of drug use in him but we never talked about it. That's what we did. We didn't talk about the big things. We ignored them. Maybe that was why I had such a hard time falling for him. We never had the true honesty you needed to make a relationship work. Since we had gotten to the city we had switched roles it seemed. Leaving had forced me to grow up while it had finally allowed him to let his guard down.

A few months ago Krazy left and never came back. For the first few weeks his friends still showed up looking for him, then they disappeared too. And no one seemed to care that me and Jacob stayed in the apartment. As long as our landlord got his money, he was happy. It was hard to pay the rent without the help of Krazy sometimes. I often thought about renting out the room but haven't been able to yet. It was nice to finally have a place just the two of us. Sure Krazy kept to himself but it was nice to not have to worry about walking to the bathroom naked at night.

I walked into the apartment after covering a shift for my coworker, Winnie, whose sister just had a baby and found Jacob out on the balcony, enjoying the peaceful night air. "How was your day?" I asked sitting beside him, resting my head on his shoulder and yawning. I had picked up a second job at a coffee shop to help pay the rent. I seemed to always be exhausted those days.

"Same as usual. Yours?" He asked, placing a cigarette between my lips and lighting it for me.

"Same as usual." I shrugged watching him rub his temples. "Headache?"

"Yeah," he sighed. "A little."

"Me too," I said through a yawn.

"Tired?" he asked and I nodded as he kissed the top of my head. "We have a new neighbor just above us. Ariel. I talked to her today. She's nice, moved here to become a model."

"So did half of our building. The other half is like us, running away." He tensed immediately. He still didn't like to talk about it, not like I ever asked him. The past was behind us and there was no use dwelling on it. The more I thought about it, the more I knew I had made the right choice. Knowing what happened wouldn't make it any easier. It wouldn't make me hurt any less. It wouldn't change a damn thing. I held my hand up to my mouth to stifle another yawn. "I'm going to bed." I announced, crawling into the room and onto the mattress on the floor. I was still trying to save for an actual bed frame but for now a mattress on the floor was the best I could do.

"I'm going for a walk." Jacob said kissing my forehead.

"Don't get yourself into any trouble." I smiled.

"I love you," he says softly and looks at me.

"Don't stay out too late," I reminded him as I snuggled under the covers. He offered me a sad smile then walked out the door. I slept restlessly until he came back. It was a long walk. And of course, I couldn't fall asleep until he was safely beside me. I had a hard time sleep alone. I couldn't sleep knowing that something could happen to him, that was one of the things that never changed. He didn't have the threat of Edward's dad surrounding him but there were still so many things that could happen and I couldn't stand to lose anyone else. That night he suffered from nightmares. They were becoming much less frequent as time went on but I was beginning to doubt that they would ever stop. I watched him toss and turn and whimper for an hour until he finally fell into a peaceful sleep. Then it was finally my turn to sleep.

The next morning I was able to sleep in since I worked the afternoon shift. It was nice to be able to sleep in after such a fretful sleep. "Jacob." I whined, trying to unwrap myself from his arms but he held me tightly. "You're going to make me late for work," I said as I felt him grind his hips against my backside.

"It'll be worth it." He smiled at me and rested his head on my shoulder.

"You might have no problem calling off of work all the time but I can't. We need the money. Rent is due at the end of the week," I reminded him.

"We always make it. Stop worrying about it," he said as he finally let me go. I rushed around the apartment for ten minutes before I was ready. As I walked back into the bedroom searching for my shoes Jacob was down on one knee. He had a habit of proposing every couple months. He would pull out the ring and sometimes he would make a speech about love other times he just stayed motionless waiting for my answer. I turned him down every time, letting him know how much closer I was to saying yes. I could feel myself starting to fall. You think after everything we've been through and all the time we're spent together, it would be easier for me to fall for him. But I was at the edge of the cliff and just couldn't fall over it yet.

This time I took the ring from him and slipped it on my finger. I didn't say yes, I just wanted to feel it to start to get used to the idea that one day we would be married. And maybe we would be happy. I could tell by the smile on his face, he thought I was saying yest this time. "This doesn't mean I say yes," I said quickly. "Yet," I added. ""I just want to try it out. Get used to it. Make sure I can handle this before I make a commitment. You know?"

"So this is a maybe?" His smile fell just a little.

"This is a pause," I decided. "This is me thinking about it."

"If you have to think about it, it's a no," Jacob said coldly.

"We'll talk about this tonight," I said as I shrugged on my coat. "I'm going to be late for work. I paused at the door. The words were on the tip of my tongue. _I love you_. It was such an easy phrase. Some people could throw it around without meaning and I was pretty sure I was almost there but I couldn't say it. It was a huge deal to me and I couldn't just throw it out there like that. "I'll see you tonight," I finally said and rushed out the door and luckily wasn't late to work.

Work seemed to drag on and the place was agonizingly slow. I sneaked out to the back alley, sitting on a bucket just outside the back door and lit a cigarette. My stomach was twisted into knots, that familiar feeling that something was wrong plagued my thoughts. I sighed and rested my head in my hands. Coral, a sixteen-year-old coworker with the aspiration of becoming a news anchor, interrupted my peace. "There's a table of three at 28. Mark says that one of us can leave early since we're so slow. If you need the money, you can stay but I-"

"I'll go home after I take care of 28," I interrupted her. I did need the money but so did she. Even if she didn't say anything I could see the plumpness around her stomach that she was trying to hide. And she stopped sneaking out for smoke breaks with me a couple months ago. "I'm not feeling well anyway." I smiled at her and snuffed out my cigarette. I walked back into the diner and cringed. Of course my last table has to be a table has to be a table of three cops. I had no reason to be scared of cops but I couldn't help it. They reminded me of Charlie and my life before. And I was always afraid that they could read my mind and see my secrets and haul me off to jail. Thankfully their order was easy, coffee and a slice of apple pie each.

I quickly served them but before I could walk away I was stopped. "Hey, when do you get out of here…Bella?" The youngest, who looked to be in his mid 20s, asked leaning forward to read my nametag as I walked past. I hated the nametag. The way it always had to be placed in just the right position so that every guy could look at my breasts all day and pass it off as reading my name.

"As soon as you do," I forced a sweet smile to my face.

"Perfect!" he said flashing me a smile. "Then you wouldn't mind joining me for a cup of coffee."

I struggled to keep myself from rolling my eyes. I had to deal with guys hitting on me all day and I had to pretend that I enjoyed it so I could guarantee a better tip. "I have to get home. I have plans."

"Another time then?" he suggested.

I hated when it came down to this. "I'm actually seeing someone," I said.

"Ahh, the high school sweethearts. You know it never works out." I just laughed it off and tried to ignore my urge to spill hot coffee on his pants. He was annoyingly cocky. "Sorry. But it's not like I'm asking for anything more than a cup of coffee." He leaned towards me again a confident smirk plastered on his face.

"Don't you think you've had enough?" I respond, refilling his mug. The other two officers laughing at their buddy that I just shot down.

I turned to walk back to the service station but another one of the officers signaled me over again. "You look familiar." The oldest looking man says, rubbing his chin.

"I've been working here for about two years now." I shrugged. "And I work a lot. I'm sure we've seen each other a lot."

"Nah, that's not it." He shook his head. "I usually don't go out with the young guys too much. My wife makes a way better cup of coffee than these places. No offense." I smiled at him and agreed. "You live here your whole life?"

"No," I said with a shake of head. "I grew up in Washington near the Olympic Peninsula," I said before thinking. I never liked to give out too much personal information.

"No shit!" He shouted interrupting me. "I used to live around there in Sequim." My heart sank. Of course he had to be from there. "I grew up there and so did my wife. Her company transferred her out here about two years ago and we moved this way. I worked for the Port Angeles police department. Small world." he marveled. "I left right before there was big homicide case. I remembered hearing a lot about it from my old buddies. Forks. The police chief was a friend and his daughter was..." If there was any conversation I should pay attention to, that would be it. I tried to pay attention. I tried to pay attention for a full minute before I gave up and just nodded slowly, staring at the picture of two kids playing on the docks as I pretended like I was listening. I don't know why but I couldn't seem to listen. My ears were ringing and the tightness in my stomach was increasing. Every hair on my body stood on end as the bell on our door signaled a new customer, I started to turn but the officer accidentally brushed my arm as he flung his hands around to help him tell the story. "…kids. Do you…" But that's all I heard before I heard the sound of glass shattering. I didn't notice that I had dropped my coffee pot until all three sets of eyes were on me, seeming to ask if I was alright.

I tried to apologize but I couldn't. My voice wouldn't work either. So I just shook my head and walked away. I stumbled into the tables before I finally made it into the kitchen where Coral was flirting with the dishwasher. "Take my table," I finally said my voice returning but it was small and weak. "Keep the tip. I have to go. I don't feel well."

"You don't look like you're going to fall over," the dishwasher said as he looked at me.

I didn't wait for Coral to respond, I just pulled my coat around me and I ran out the backdoor. I ran the entire way home pushing past any one who got in my way. I ran up the 10 flights of stairs and was completely out of breath by the time I got to the front door. It took me two minutes to unlock the door my hands were shaking so badly.

As soon as the door shut behind me, I rested my back against the wall gasping for air. I was too distraught with the interaction at the dinner and the sounds of my heavy breathing was keeping me from noticing the noises coming from inside of the apartment. After finally getting my breathing under control, I slowly and quietly walked down the hall. My eyes immediately went to the balcony, expecting to find Jacob out smoking a cigarette, waiting for me to come home as usual. But I didn't see the familiar orange glow of the tip of a cigarette or Jacob out there. But the streetlight cast an orange-ish glow into the room, enough for me to see movement in the makeshift bed. First thinking that his nightmares from the night before robbed him of too much sleep so he went to bed early but I should have known better.

The images seemed to come in flashes. His lips meeting hers. Sheets undulating to the steady rhythm. A dainty hand with petite fingers and perfectly manicured nails scratching their way down his dewy back that seemed to glow in the soft light. The other small hand tangling itself in the soft, white sheets. _My_ soft, white sheets. I stood there dumbfounded, eyes wide in shock, for a moment until the noises settled on my ears. The panting and the moaning and the creaking of the mattress springs.

I turned around and ran back out of the apartment. I didn't care if the door slammed behind me and probably interrupted them. I just needed to get away. I ran down the stairs and out into the dark street. The early November rain poured down on me, soaking my clothes and chilling me to the bone. I couldn't keep myself from shaking. I didn't know if it was from the cold or the shock of the day.

I instinctively wiped at my cheeks as I sniffled, but my cheeks were never dry, my tears were only mixing with the rain. I just kept running, the scene replaying in my mind, my inner voice shouting at me. I couldn't tell you how long I would have kept running but someone stood in my path. I moved to avoid them but they grabbed my arm, pulling me back forcefully, making me bite my lip to stifle a scream. I could see the coffee shop where I just started working at 500 feet away from me. "Where you running to, sweet cheeks?" The man asked, pushing me against the brick building. His hands dug into my pocket and pulled out the little bit of tip money I had in them. "That's it?" he asked as he looked at the money. "You can do better than that." His hands grazed over my breasts and I knew what was coming.

I brought my knee up between his legs and he doubled over in unexpected pain. "Today is not the fucking day to mess with me!" I shouted at him as I pushed him to the ground. "I was reminded of my best friends murder from a cop that probably recognized me and is ready to send me back home!" I swiftly kicked him in the ribs. "I got home and found my boyfriend fucking some other girl in my bed!" I kicked again. "The bed that I fucking paid for!" I kept kicking as I shouted. "With the fucking money that I make at the stupid fucking job I have to support his lazy fucking ass!"

I started to kick again but he sat up and grabbed my leg and pulled me down. He stood up and pulled me with him, pulling me up with him. He dragged me deeper into the dark alley and smiled at me. "I think I've let you have enough fun." He flashed a cocky smile that made me sick to my stomach just before he backhanded me. It took a second for the pain to register but it stung like a bitch when I finally felt it. "Now I think it's my turn to have a little fun." Fuck! I was fucked! He put one arm over my mouth to keep me from screaming and used that hand to keep my hands above my head. I didn't know if he intended to rape, murder or beat me up. I was beginning to think that it didn't matter either way.

In the distance I hear the familiar chime of a bell and turn to see a man walking out of the coffee shop. I struggled against him as he did nothing more than hold me in place but it was no use he was too strong and no one could hear my muffled protests over the rain, if they even cared anyway. But before anything more could happen the man was pulled away from me. "Keep your fucking hands off her!" Another man growled, kicking my attacker repeatedly. In the dark and the rain I couldn't make out more than shadows as they fought. I stood back and watch, not knowing what else to do. After a minute my attacker got away and ran, my hero started to chase but turned back to me, still hiding in the shadows. "You alright?" He asked wiping the corner of his mouth. His voice was rough and familiar. But he did just leave the coffee shop he could have been one of the many regulars I was just getting to know. I could see him take a step forward as my face began to swell but he stopped suddenly.

I took a step towards him but he turned and ran. I followed behind until he looked over his shoulder back at me. This time I stopped and stared. After the first year I had stopped seeing Edward's face everywhere I looked. But as time stood still and I looked at the man that just came to my rescue I saw his face again. It wasn't just a familiarity in the way the man smiled, or the same shade of pale green. It was his face. It was the same sad look I was familiar with. It was him. It was a ghost.

_"They're gone. They're all gone." _Jacob's words echoed in my head. Gone. Not dead. How could I have been so stupid!

"Edward, wait!" I shouted but he turned away from me and continued to run. "Please, wait!" The steady rhythm of his shoes hitting wet pavement didn't stop or slow at all. I ran a few steps but stopped when he began to fade away in the distance behind the thick rain drops.

I slowly walked back to the apartment in a stupor, the rain never letting up. "Where have you been?" Jacob immediately pounced on me, hugging me tightly. I didn't react. I was numb. When he finally pulled away he notices what kind of shape I'm in. "What happened to you?"

"What the fuck happened?" I asked quietly.

"No," he said, holding my arms tightly. "What happened to you?"

"What the fuck happened?" I shouted, the anger finally breaking through my hardened exterior. I hit him in the chest and pushed him away. "What happened back at home? You never told me and I assumed but... What the fuck happened?" I asked as I started to cry. I hit him in the chest.

"What is going on with you?" Jacob said trying to hold me away from him.

"Tell me it all wasn't a lie. That the past two years wasn't all just a big fucking joke on me!" He looked at me with confusion but he didn't say a thing. He didn't defend himself at all. "You are such an asshole!" I shouted. "You made me think that he was dead! I grieved for him. I felt that loss for almost two fucking years and you never said anything!"

"Edward? This is about Edward? Did you see him? Is he here?" I could hear the fear and anger in his voice.

"No!" I shouted, pushing him away again. "This is about you!" I shouted. "I was ready to fall in love with you! But you lied to me! You told me he was dead!"

"I told you he was gone! And he was. He left! He did what he did and he left us!"

"You should have told me! You should have told me!" I kept shouting as he wrapped his arms around me.

"You have to understand that-"

I pushed him away. "No, you don't get to do this now. You can't do this to me. Not after this."

"Come on, I love you. We will figure this out." He pulled me into another hug.

"No, you love yourself!" I shouted. "And your new fucking girlfriend." He cringed at my words. "Yeah, I got off of work early, asshole!"

"Bella, please."

"I can't believe I wasted all this time on you! I did everything for you! I left everything behind for you! And you couldn't even tell me the truth."

"Edward isn't who you think he was. Things would be so much better if he were. I wish he was dead for what he's done."

I slapped him hard across the face. "I can't believe you'd say that about your fucking brother!"

"He's not my brother," Jacob said, rubbing his cheek as my handprint started to show on his face.

"I can't do this right now," I said walking away from him and into Krazy's old room.

"Bella, please," he begged as he followed me.

"Don't! I don't want to talk to you. All you have are lies. Go ahead and tell all those lies to your new girlfriend. I don't want to hear them. I don't want to hear from you." I slammed the door behind me an locked it. He banged at the door and shouted excuse after excuse but I ignored them all. I ignored them all and cried myself to sleep with only one thought on my mind. I would spend every moment I could searching for Edward.


	17. 16: The Ghosts of What We Knew

**Chapter 16**

**The Ghosts of What We Kew**

As much as I say I want to forget the past I know I can't And given the chance I never would. I could never forget him. He is a part of me as much as his brother across from me. Even if he isn't here anymore I can still feel him. I know he's out there watching me. Watching us. He gave up his life for that. I wish I got the chance to say thank you for it.

XXXXXX

Jacob was waiting for me with more apologies the next morning. I ignored them as I quickly showered, dressed and left the apartment. I had an hour to kill before I had to start my shift so I walked the streets staring at each face as I passed. Hoping that I would finally see his face again.

I did this day after day. If I wasn't working I was searching for Edward. I looked at every face that I served. I searched restaurants and shops and stared at every person I walked by just praying I would see him again. If I were smarter I would have brought pictures with me when I left home so I could ask around and pass out fliers. Anything to find him. I had to hold on to the hope that I would see him again. I kept believing that it wasn't a dream. I did see him. It had to be him that saved me that night out in the rain. I had given up on him too easily before and that hurt like a knife in the chest I wasn't going to give up this time. I would search every corner of the earth to find him this time.

Jacob and I hadn't spoken since that night. He's tried. I couldn't do it. I had a difficult time putting trust into people and he was one of the only ones I had complete faith in and he shattered that. I would never be able to trust him again. I couldn't listen to any more lies. But I still didn't have the heart to kick him out. I wanted to but it was hard to let go completely. I was still holding out hope that once I found Edward somehow a miracle would happen and we would all be able to live happily ever after like I always imagined it before. I did move out into Krazy's old bedroom. I took blankets and pillows and slept on the floor. It wasn't comfortable but I didn't care. I didn't have to deal with Jacob at all that way and I was alone. And it wasn't like I was sleeping much anyway.

After a week, Jacob stopped trying to apologize and he moved on. He left me alone. He kept to himself. He missed work more than he went he spent a lot of time drinking and he was too obvious about his drug use. And if I wasn't careful I would walk in on him and some girl together.

As the days passed I began to get a little restless. I worked. I searched for Edward. I occasionally stopped to eat or fretfully sleep. But that was it. That was my life. It began to become harder and harder for me to walk past the obvious dealers on the street as I searched. The old feelings of need were creeping up on me. I lost everything that I cared about and I knew that the drugs would at least provide a temporary fix. I could at least pretend to be happy for a little while with their help. But I walked past each time. I might have paused for a moment or two but I always walked on. I didn't know how much more restraint I had.

I picked up every shift I could at both places and I even considered getting a third job to keep me busy. The more I was out there the more of a chance I had of running into Edward again. As the weeks passed I was beginning to think that maybe it was all in my head. Maybe it wasn't him. Maybe it was and he ran away from me again. Maybe whatever happened at the end really was as bad as Jacob said and he didn't want to run the risk of running into us again. Maybe... there are too many maybes to think about. I tried to release a heavy breath and let it be. I could only keep doing what I was doing. If Edward was out there I would find him.

As I walked the streets I waited for someone to mess with me again. I almost welcomed it. I didn't know if I would fight back and let all the anger that I was holding in our or if I would give up. I felt a lot like giving up. I felt like letting go. I was lost and desperate before and tired to end my life. This was worse. After Phil had and Edward and Jacob. Now I didn't have either. I was alone.

Jacob kept trying to fix us. He told me he loved me. He said all the right words but that's all they were... just words. I knew better than to listen to them. When he wasn't trying to fix us, he was pretending like we weren't broken. He would talk about his day and ask about mine and I ignored him. He didn't give up. He invited women over I think to try to make me jealous, like I would suddenly go running back to him or cry over him. But it never happened. I wasn't avoiding him because he cheated on me. It sucks that in the same day he proposed to me and I was going to say yes that night but he slept with someone else. I was hurt that he threw our life together away. But I didn't have time to be angry about that when I was too angry that he lied to me. I was mad that I could have had both of my best friends and now I have none. I was mad that I was alone. I was mad that I had no one and nothing left anymore.

A week and a half passed and I was a zombie as I dressed for work. Jacob's door was open and I couldn't help but to look as I passed. Jacob was snuggled against a petite blond. She had been around a lot that past week. She had a name. I never bothered to learn it. I never learned any of their names. I don't know if Jacob did half the time either, he called them stupid nicknames: Cupcake, Pudding. He liked to name them by desserts so did I. This one was Twinkie. I hated her more than any of the other girls he brought around. And the worst part was that I had no reason to. She seemed nice. She always tried to make friends with me. If I didn't have to hate her on principle alone we might have even had a chance to be friends. But I had to hate her. I always knew that I was broken but I never thought that it would be too much for Jacob. I never thought he would leave me behind and move on. It was a hard truth to know.

I sighed and fought the lump in my throat as Jacob stirred in bed. I quickly walked away before he would see me. I searched for my purse hoping that I would find it before either one of them...

"Hey, stranger." He smiled at me, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. I ignored him and frantically looked for my purse. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"I can't find my purse." It was the first words I had spoken to him since that night. He appears right in front of my face and dangles it my the strap in my line of sight. "Thanks," I said softly, grabbing it and marching to the door.

"I miss you," he said to my back. His voice was so soft and sad that I paused for a moment with my hand on the door knob. He sounded like he was hurting as much as I was. And I was stupid enough to feel bad for him. "When are things going to go back to normal between us?"

"Normal?" I snapped turning to him. "What is normal for us? Us being friends? Or us sleeping together?" He didn't answer. Normal for us was both. "How can we be friends if we can't talk to each other? If we can't be honest with one another? And we certainly can't fuck if you've got Twinkie or Twinkie in your bed."

"Her name is Cou-"

"I don't care what her name is!" I yelled while stomping my foot like a pouting child. "I don't care that you now fuck other women." I lie. I do care. I care so much it hurts sometimes. He was mine. Jacob was my forever. He was my happily ever after. He was the one who was going to wait for me. He was the one who was always putting up with my shit. "I don't care that you're a lazy asshole who doesn't help with rent. I care that you lied to me! You looked me right in the eye and you told me he was gone. That i would never get to see him again. It was us against the world! You threw that away. Not me. I was here. I was always there." Tears were streaming down my face. So much for pretending like I didn't care.

Twinkie decides to walk into the room at that moment and greet us with a cheerful good morning. I glare at both of them before turning back to the door and leaving.

And if my days started as bad as that there was only one thing it could do…get worse. And it did. Work sucked. Winnie called off so it was just me and Coral and Darin trying to cover the entire floor during the dinner rush. Not easy. I had been there two and I had broken a rack of glasses, dropped a tray of food for an eight top table when a kid purposely tripped me. And I swear that half of my customers have asked to speak to a manager. I hated my job. I wanted to go home. No, that was a lie. I didn't want to go home. I hated that home. I wanted to go to the home I used to have. When it was just me and Jacob and we were happy. If it could have been that simple.

"Can you pick up table 10 for me?" Darin asked, his baby blue eyes begging me as he struggled to keep from dropping a try full of dirty dishes. "I'm swamped." He didn't have the experience that Coral and I had so it was a little harder for him to keep up. "It's a single guy." I had already decided to take the table but it was always fun to watch someone beg. "And he's a good looking guy. Please." He almost dropped to his knees.

"I got it," I said with a smile. "But you owe me." I bent to catch a glass that was falling from his tray.

"Thank you! Anything you want!" he called over his shoulder as he rushed past me and into the kitchen.

I grabbed a try of food from the window and took it out before walking over to Darin's table, taking out my pen and pad and plastering on my best fake smile. "Hey. My-my name…" But I lost my voice at that. More like lost my mind. He was glancing at a menu and looked up as soon as he heard my voice. My ears were ringing and my field of vision was slowly shrinking. My knees grew weak and the last thing I remember was those eyes. That face. I had finally found him. Edward.

"…kay?" I heard a familiar voice. I opened my eyes and slowly things came into focus. My head was pounding. "Bella?" My manager, Mark, asked hovering over me. "Are you okay?"

I groaned and pushed his hands away from my face. I sat up but immediately fell back down. My head hit the floor and I remembered why I was down here in the first place. I sat back up but that time I was alright. Well, as alright as I could be. "Where is he?" I asked, staring at the now empty table.

"What?" Mark asked, trying to get me to lie back again.

"At the table!" I shouted, trying to stand up. I knew I wasn't crazy. He was there. "There was a guy at this table! Where did he go?"

"I think you should lie down. We called an ambu-"

I ignored him and got to my feet. "Did anyone see where he went?" I spun around to see everyone. An old lady that sat at the table behind Mark pointed to the door and I ran. I paused outside the doorway and looked for him. I saw nothing but crowds of people I didn't recognize. I inhaled deeply and turned to my right. I didn't know where I was going but I just let my heart lead me.

I pushed past the crowds of people, ignoring the insults they shouted at me. It was colder than I thought. I wasn't sure how long I ran and I didn't know where I was or where I was going. All I knew was that it was long enough for anyone else to give up and try to find their way home, but I didn't. I couldn't. I sharply turned to the right and ran into someone. I was running fast enough to knock both of us to our feet. "I'm sorry." I panted breathlessly, sitting up. I guess that was my sign that I needed to give up. There was no way I could catch up to him. He had a few minutes head start and I didn't even know where to look. I didn't even know if I was going in the right direction.

I stood and brushed the dirt from my black pants. "I'm sorry." I repeated, panting heavily as I bent forward, hoping the world would stop spinning. I offered my hand to help the man I ran into up but he stood on his own, pulling his hat down over his eyes as he turned his back to me. It was then that I it. His body. His build. The way he walked. The way he moved. Edward.

"Stop!" I command with as much force as I could muster. He immediately stopped, every muscle in his body visibly tightening. I slowly walked over to him and griped his arm, and turned him to face me. The face is different. Thinner, more pale, a chin full of hair. But those eyes. Those eyes were still the same. A smile crept up onto my face as I lunged at him and wrapped my arms around his body, clinging like he would disappear if I let go. He just stood there for the first minute but then he settled in and I felt him gently patting my back. "God, I've missed you so much." I sobbed into his chest. "I thought that-I thought that-Where have you been?" I asked finally pulling away and drying my tears. He just looked to the ground and shrugged.

"This was our plan," he explained quietly. "To come to the city and get away."

"We were supposed to go together. All of us," I argued. We stood there, not knowing what to say to each other. It had been so long. Who knew that seeing your once best friend would be so…awkward? "It was nice seeing you again," he said softly, kicking a rock. "But I think I should go." He turned away and I grabbed his arm.

"Edward, no!' I shouted, holding him in place. "You can't. I just got you back. I can't lose you again."

We stood silently for another moment before he broke the silence. "What about Jacob? Is he here? Did you come with him?"

"Yeah, we left together. We have an apartment."

"Good. Nice. I'm glad you two are happy," he said with a nod and tried to walk away from me.

"We're not," I said again trying to hold him in place. "We're not happy. We tried to be. But it didn't work. Not without you."

Again every muscle of his body tightened. "I hardly doubt that. Jacob and I..."

"I know you two had some kind of falling out but who cares. Can't you move past it? Can't you forget about it. We've been through so much and... it's over now. I want my friends back."

"I don't think that would be a good idea." He sighed and shook his head, turning away from me once again. But I wasn't letting him go without a fight.

"Edward." I almost cried. "I-You can't just leave. I just found you and…and…I don't want to lose you again." I bit my lip, and stared into his eyes. The eyes that I had memorized for years The eyes I loved. He looked away from me and a small sob escaped my throat. "I-I don't-I don't want to lose anyone else."

He wrapped his arms around me again and sighed. "It's not that easy."

"Nothing in our lives ever is easy but it's worth it. Please. I'm not letting you go. I can't..." I broke down into tears and he held me. The warmth of his body felt good against me. It was so cold outside. It was only then that I noticed I was only dressed in my thin work clothes and forgot my jacket. I was shaking with cold. He rubbed my back and comforted me. I pulled away grabbed his hand, lacing my fingers between his before he could try to run away from me again.

Edward squeezed my hand gently then he finally stopped. He brought our intertwined hands up to his face and stared. "Congratulations," he said quietly looking at my hand. "You finally did it. I knew you had it in you."

I looked at him for a second with confusion before I finally realized what he was talking about. The ring. I had been wearing Jacob's ring since I had paused his marriage proposal and with everything that has happened since that I had forgotten about it. It suddenly felt heavy on my fingers.

"No!" I shouted quickly. My fingers were numbing from the cold and I struggled to pull the ring from my fingers. "It's not like that. We're not- He's an asshole."

"I know," Edward laughed and rubbed the stubble on his chin.

I finally slipped the ring from my finger and it fell to the ground. Edward picked it up and placed it in my hand delicately. "Good luck."

He turned to leave but I grabbed his arms and stopped him. "Please don't go. You can't leave. I just got you back."

"You don't need me. It looks like you've been doing just fine without me," he comments with a shake of his head. "I hope you two are very happy together. You deserve it, Bella."

"I'm not!" I shouted holding him in place. "Happy. I'm not. We're not. Jacob and I aren't even talking right now." I looked up and met his eyes just as the first snowflake fell into his long eyelashes. "I can't be happy with out you. The both of you. I miss how things used to be. Things weren't perfect but we were happy. We had each other."

"Things can't go back to the way we were before. Jacob and I... Things changed. You ad Jacob can be happy together. You do live without me. Go back to your happy life with Jacob."

"Fuck Jacob! And Fuck his life! It doesn't mean shit if your not in it."

"You've been doing just fine without me."

"He lied to me! I thought I lost you. Jacob lied to me. He told me you were dead. I was stupid enough to take his word for it. I don't know what happened to you two back there that made you hate each other so much..."

"I don't hate him. Things changed. Things are supposed to change. He might hate me. I would think he's stupid if he didn't. But it's okay. We each have a new life anymore. We don't need each other like we used to." He paused a moment. "I do miss the way things used to be. But we can't go back. We can never go back. It'll be better this way. Trust me. Jacob and I aren't brothers anymore. We aren't even friends anymore. And I don't think anything will ever change that. Not even you, baby." He rubs my cheek and I shiver suddenly. "Go home, Bella. Forget about me. I'm not good for you. I'm not good for anyone." His voice cracked from holding back tears.

"Don't say that," I snapped. "I do need you." I paused and chewed on my bottom lip for a second. There was another long pause in our conversation. "I just got you back you can't leave me now." I fell against him and he wrapped his arms around me. Despite the warmth from his body I trembled from the cold.

"You should go home and warm up." He rubbed my back and arms to try to warm me. "You should forget about me."

"Never." I shook my head adamantly. I just got him back I wasn't going to lose him again.

"Just let me go, Bella," he argued.

"No. I can't." I couldn't hold back the tears. I didn't want to. I wanted him to see my sadness. I wasn't going to let him go without a fight. My body was becoming numb from the cold.

"Jesus, Bella. You're fucking freezing. What are you thinking being out here dressed like that." He shrugged out of his jacket and draped it over my shoulders. "Go home and warm up."

I shook my head. "Not until you promise that this won't be the last time I see you." My jaw trembled and my words shook as my body shivered from the cold. He wouldn't meet my eyes, he looked to the ground and kicked at a rock. "Promise!" I shouted, stomping my foot almost on top of his. He finally met my eyes and reluctantly nodded. "Say it."

"I promise," Edward agreed. I felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I had Edward back. And I wasn't going to let him go. He had never broken a promise to me before.

"Promise that I'll see you ever day."

"I..." he looked away from me. "Jacob and I..."

"Fuck Jacob! Forget about Jacob. This is about you and _me_. _I _want to see you. _I _need you. I don't want to lose you again. So promise me that I will see you every day. Or I can't ever let you out of my sight again."

"I..." he stopped as soon as he saw my desperate look. "I promise."

I squeezed him tightly trying to absorb as much of his warmth as I could, it didn't keep me from shivering.

"You need to get home and warm up before you freeze to death out here."

"I'm fine," I shook him off. "I just got you back, I'm not letting you go yet. There is so much we need to talk about. Let's go to your place."

"Nah," he shook his head. "You don't want to go there."

I laughed. "My place isn't exactly a dream either." Still he hesitated. "I can handle it. I can handle nasty roommates too. I used to have a creeper but he disappeared." I grabbed his hand. "Lead the way."

His face fell as I looked at him. "I really don't have a place of my own right now." I just looked at him and waited for him to continue. "I made friends and stayed with them on and off for a little while. But they tend to wander too. There were girls sometimes. Right now I'm in an interesting situation."

"So where have you been staying?" I asked.

He shrugged. "There is this church-"

"You've been sleeping in a church?" I cut him off.

"It beats the street. And it's really not that bad. It's only been a little while. But it's not like you'd think." He slipped his hands into the pockets of his jeans and jumped around trying to stay warm.

"I won't have you sleeping on the street," I said grabbing his hands. "You're staying with me."

"Jacob-"

"Fuck Jacob. I'm not letting you go." I took off his jacket and handed it back to him.

"Keep it," he said.

"This is all you have isn't it?" I asked and knew it was the truth when he didn't deny it. "I left mine at work. I'll get it tomorrow."

"Keep mine until then. It's cold out."

"I know I can't feel my fucking ears. Let's go home."

I grabbed his hands again but he refused to follow. "I can't. Jacob-"

"Let me handle Jacob. He's been preoccupied enough any way he won't notice a damn thing. You are staying with me weather you like it or not. I will make sure that you two don't have to talk to each other. I will make sure that he doesn't even know you are there. I'm not talking to him either so it will work out just fine." Edward still hesitated. "I promise that it will be fine. Me and Jacob need to have a talk anyway. I think we need some space for awhile. He can stay with someone else for awhile and you can stay with me. Maybe things go back to normal between us and maybe they don't. Maybe Jacob and I will be fine. Maybe we won't. Maybe one day the two of you are ready to talk again. Maybe you aren't. But for right now let's just take this one day at a time. Come home with me. Eat. Sleep. Stay warm. We will figure the rest out in the morning." I know I have him when he meets my eyes. "Come on," I said grabbing his hand. "I can't feel my face."

It me a moment to get my barings and lead the way back to my apartment. We spend the walk getting reacquainted. We talked small things. It was all small talk. We didn't get into details about things. We more or less reminisced about the past. Edward waited outside until I made sure the apartment was clear. Jacob was gone and Edward came in with me. He showered and shaved and was quickly looking more like the Edward that I used to know. He still had the same soulful green eyes that I could get lost in. He had thinned a bit but it just showed that his muscles had hardened and he had the body of a man instead of a boy. I made a quick pasta dish and we polished it off before taking the mattress from Jacob's room and putting it on the floor of my room.

Edward and I undressed down to his underwear and I put on nothing more than an oversized Tshirt and we snuggled under the covers and I got so close to him that our noses were touching. I thought that I would be exhausted from the week and the relief of finally not having to worry about Edward would put me right to sleep but it didn't. I was wide awake and stared at him. "Tell me what happened to you. Where have you been? What have you been doing?" I asked.

He just shrugged. "I pick up jobs when I can. I make friends and stay with them. I've been keeping busy. There isn't much to say. I just live my life day by day. What about you?"

"I've been here. Working enough to keep up with the bills and shit. Being an adult kind of sucks sometimes." I smiled.

"And Jacob..." Edward looked away.

"He's works sometimes. He does a lot of drugs but he tries to hide it. I quit. I made a lot of mistakes that summer. I had to quit or I would be dead. I chose life."

"You chose Jacob."

"I thought I did." I shrugged.

"Tell me about the ring."

I took a deep breath and licked my lips. "Since that first time he asked me back at home, he hasn't stopped. I always said no. But that last time. I kept the ring and told him I would give him my answer after work. I was going to say yet. I'm pretty sure I was. We already lived together like we were married anyway so why wouldn't we just make it official. It made the most sense. Things were tense between us sometimes. Sometimes they were great. But things were beginning to fall apart a little bit and I guess that we both thought that it would help. I was going to say yes when I got home but I caught him in bed with another woman. We yelled and we fought and that's when I finally got the truth from him that you weren't dead." I paused a moment to brush away tears. "We haven't really spoken since. And I've spend every spare moment I had looking for you. And now that I have you, I'm not letting go," I said and I wrapped my arms around him.

"Do you love him?"

"I never told him."

We snuggled in close and told more stories and held each other before Edward couldn't keep his eyes open and feel asleep. I tried to sleep too but I couldn't. I got out of bed and started to clean the apartment. I had been slacking lately. It took me awhile to straighten up and clean and get everything in order again.

I had an armful of Jacob's clothes that I was taking into my room for Edward when the front door opened. "Bella!" Jacob shouted as he appeared in front of me, Twinkie close behind him. He wrapped his arms around me and I froze in shock. He had tried speaking to me like nothing has happened between us before but he hasn't so much as laid a hand on my shoulder the hug took my by surprise. "Me and Courtney went to the diner for dinner and you weren't there. Your boss said you passed out then started rambling about some guy and you ran out."

I finally pulled myself from his grasp. I shrugged and looked at the ground nervously. "I wasn't feeling well. I needed some fresh air."

"That was hours ago!" he shouted. He believed the lie. Jacob always believed my lies. It was Edward that could see through them. "I was worried-"

"Well don't," I snapped. "I'm fine. I don't need you to worry about me. You never have before."

"I've always worried about you. And I always will. Why can't you just get past-"

"Get past it? Get past the fact that you proposed to me and I was going to say yes but found you in bed with some slut? Or get past the fact that you lied to me about the fact that my best friend was dead? Because I can't just get over those easily. Our life together has been a lie."

"It hasn't been a lie! We're better off without Edward if you knew about that last day you would agree. And I wanted to be with you. I wanted to marry you! I gave you almost 2 fucking years to say yes to me but you couldn't. I moved on. So should you!" He shouted at me as he walked passed and into his room.

"Well that was awkward," Twinkie said as she bounced on her heels. She gave me a sympathetic glance like she understood me and my problems and what the hell just happened between Jacob and I. "I know we don't know each other but I would like to. If you need help or any-"

"Well, I fucking don't," I said my voice laced with sweet sarcasm as I smiled at her.

"What the fuck did you do to my bed Jacob shouted from his room."

"It's my fucking bed. I paid for it. You and all your little whore's can-"

"Don't call Courtney a whore," he yelled at me appearing right in front of me.

"What else should I call her? She is one of the many woman who have graced your bed since you proposed to and cheated on me 2 weeks ago!"

"Two weeks?" Twinkie shouted. "You said things ended between you awhile ago. And what does she mean by many? How many other woman are there? No, wait. Don't tell me. No wonder she hates you so much. You are an asshole!"

"Courtney, wait." Jacob followed after her. I walked back to my room and heard the front door slam. "Fuck!" Jacob cursed and I heard the door slam again.

Edward sitting on the window sill smoking a cigarette. "Sorry," I apologized dumping the clothes onto the floor by his side of the bed. "I didn't mean to wake you. Or for you to hear all of that." Edward just shrugged and continued to smoke. "I brought you some clothes for tomorrow." I walked over to the window and took a cigarette from the pack Edward had opened in his lap.

"Was that her?" he asked after a moment.

"No, they usually come and go quickly. This one is actually nice. She's the only repeat. He might actually like her."

"How could he like anyone else after he's had you?" His fingers slipped through my hair and he met my eyes for a moment before looking away. He finished his cigarette and crawled back into bed. I finished my cigarette a minute after him and climbed into bed beside him. The front door opened and I could hear Jacob stomp back in. He tried to open my door but I had it locked. Jacob pounded on the door and cursed me out for ruining his relationship with Twinkie. He called me every horrible word he could think of. And threw every bad thing that he knew I did back at me. He concluded his rant by yelling about wasting all of his time on me, except he said it in the meanest way possible. Edward came closer to me and wrapped his arms around me when I couldn't hold back the tears anymore.

"Don't cry over him," Edward whispered in my ear.

"How can I not." The words were barely audible trough my crying. "He's right. Everything he said is right."

"No he's not. We all make mistakes. Yours are behind you. You've changed a lot since the last time I saw you. We all have."

He held me until the tears finally stopped. He kissed the top of my head. "Thank you."

Edward continued to hold me close and to rub my arms to comfort me. "You're too good for him. You always were. I wish you would have seen that sooner and saved yourself a lot of heartache."

"Don't say that," I said through a sigh.

"It's true," he said rolling me over to met my eyes. "You deserve so much better than that. You deserve someone who will love you and treat you right. You deserve..." he trailed off and looked down at the pillow.

"Someone more like you?" I offer, just above a whipser.

"No," he said flatly. "If you're too good for him you are way too good for me," he explained softly. "I'm not really good for anybody."

"That's not true." I shook my head and moved closer to him, wrapping my arms around him. I've missed how he felt in my arms. I've missed him so much more than words could ever express. I've missed sharing my bed with someone it's not easy to sleep alone. I looked into his familiar eyes and it happened. Just like old times. The world ceased to exist and it was just me and him. I closed my eyes and our lips found each others like magnets. It didn't take long for our bodies to respond. His hands slipped up my Tshirt and caressed my bare flesh. I could feel him grow and harden against me. I rolled onto my back and pulled him on top of me. He pulled away and looked into my eyes. He looked like he was trying to fight against this. Against us. But I pressed my finger to his lips before he could argue against me. "Shhh," I whispered. We kissed for a long time before we finally broke apart. "I've missed you," I whispered to him.

"I've missed you to," he said, combing his fingers through my hair.

We snuggled into bed again and he held me tightly. We were quiet for a long time I was almost asleep and I was pretty sure Edward was. "Why wasn't it you," I whispered to myself.

"Hmmm?" Edward mumbled sleepily. "Why wasn't it me what?"

I turned to face him and buried my face in his chest. "Why didn't I fall in love with you?" I said quietly as the tears started again.

Edward squeezed me tighter and kissed the top of my head. He ran his fingers through my hair and rubbed my back, to comfort me. "I wish I knew," he said softly. I snuggled close to him and for the first time in years, I was suddenly too tired to keep my eyes open.


	18. 17: Falling Slowly

**Chapter 17**

**Falling Slowly**

He stands beside me as I still sway in the old tire swing. I watch him extinguish his cigarette. He tries to move away from me but I don't let him. I need him. He sighs and stays still, trying to glare at me. But he can't. He smiles and I can't help but return it. I look to his old house and then to mine.

Too many memories. Good. Bad. It doesn't matter. They all hurt. A wave of nausea comes over me and I quickly get out of the swing pushing him out of my way as I run and empty the contents of my stomach in the bushes. He pulls my hair out of my face and rubs my back gently. I'm tired of holding it all in so I let the tears roll down my cheeks as I fall into him.

He lifts me into his strong arms and starts to walk to the car but stops seconds later. He knows what I want. So he stops and sits in the grass again, me on his lap, crying on his shoulder as he comforts me in silence.

XXXXX

Waking up next to someone had suddenly become an unfamiliar sensation. It used to be a something that I not only had gotten used to but I craved. For that short time between Jacob and Edward I hated sleeping alone in an unfamiliar room by myself. I hated how much room I had. I hated how cold the bed seemed. I hated fighting over our fair share of the blankets. But then as I woke up next to Edward, it felt so different. It wasn't like it was with Jacob and I. I couldn't tell if it was in a good way or a bad way at first. But as he wrapped his arms around me it felt right. This was definitely in a good way. I sighed in satisfaction and I snuggled in closer to Edward.

Edward. I found him again. If only I could get the three of us back together again it could be the way it was before. Maybe there was hope for the happily ever after for us that I always dreamed of. But I tried not to get my hopes up.

His body was so hot pressed against mine, holding me close. I didn't want to get up and disturb him so instead I laid there perfectly still just enjoying the moment. "Good morning, beautiful," Edward greeted me, his voice rough before he cleared his throat.

"How did you know I was awake?" I asked, rolling over.

"I might not have seen you in awhile but I still remember everything about you. I can read you like a book, Bella." He kissed the back of my neck and gave me a squeeze before he spoke again. "Want to talk about last night?"

I tried to stop it but I couldn't keep my body from tensing. There was so much we could talk about I didn't know where to start. I found Edward but he didn't seem to want to be found. Why did he and Jacob hate each other so much? We made out last night, a lot. I really liked it! I kind of admitted I loved Jacob. But Jacob is an asshole. Jacob said a lot of awful things last night. What is it that he wants to talk about? "No," I say softly and roll out of his grasp and the bed. "I'll make us some breakfast," I said and quickly disappeared.

The door to Jacob's room was ajar and I couldn't resist peaking inside, it was empty. I looked around to make sure he wasn't sleeping on the couch since I did steal the mattress to his bed, sleeping on a box spring wasn't going to be comfortable. I didn't see him so I raided the cabinets in search of food. There wasn't much. I had a few kitchen staples but nothing for an actual warm breakfast. I was used to bringing home food from the diner for dinner and leftover pastries from the coffee shop for breakfast. I seriously needed to shop for real food. I found a nearly empty box of cereal in the back of my cupboards that would have to do. I grabbed bowls, spoons and milk and headed back to the bedroom. Than Jacob walked in. We both froze like deer in headlights and stared at each other.

"I'm so sorry," Jacob finally broke our silence and ran across the room to me. "I'm sorry for every bad thing I have ever done to you, Bells." He ran to me and slid on the floor at my feet. The force took my by surprise and I dropped the bowls and spoons I was carrying. Jacob stayed on his keeps and wrapped his arms around my waist, his head pressed against my belly. "Please forgive me so we can get our life back." I was too shocked to respond. "I know I've been an asshole. I tried to make you jealous with all those other women. I wanted you to want me back. It was stupid to cheat on you. I just was so upset that you turned me down again. I just want you to be mine and for me to be yours. I want to start a family with you. Please," he begged. "Please forgive me. Give me another chance. I want to start over. I want to be better. I want to propose properly and I want so much with you. I was so patient before in waiting for you and I will be again. I will wait as long as it takes."

I stood there in shock. Jacob had apologized to me before but not like this. He sounded desperate. He probably sounded like I did yesterday begging Edward to stay. I didn't know what to make of it. I didn't know how to respond. So I stepped back out of his grasp and stared at him. "No. I don't know. I need some time. We need some time."

"Come on, Bella," he whined. "We are made for each other. We've been together for years now. Don't throw it away."

"_I _didn't," I said before locking myself in my room. Edward was seated at the window again, smoking a cigarette. "It's not much," I said with a shrug. "But it's the only breakfast food I have."

Edward just smiled and grabbed a handful of cereal and a drink of milk right from the jug. When he swallowed he smiled again. "I won't turn down stale cereal."

We ate in silence it was almost like old times between us when we didn't rely on words to express ourselves. "Thanks for staying," I said quietly.

"Thank you for making me," he said, his voice just as soft as mine.

"I have to work the dinner shift tonight so you will be on your own then but I have the afternoon free. We can sneak down the fire escape and get some real food." Edward nodded.

I went into the kitchen to throw away our garbage and Jacob was sitting at the table smoking. There was a bottle of half drank whisky in front of him. "Don't give up on me," Jacob said his voice was rough and scratchy and he seemed to be talking in slow motion. He was drunk and high. I looked at him and could see that he had been crying.

"Please don't do this," I pleaded.

"We need to talk."

"I know we do. But not now."

"Then when?" his voice started to raise in anger. "Why do we always do shit on your time?"

"Because I'm the only one with a schedule to work around!" I shouted. "Someone needs to work to pay rent instead of blowing on drugs."

"I know I've been a piece of shit."

"Do you?" I shouted.

"Please, I don't want to fight."

"I don't either," I said.

"I want things to be the way they were before. Things were perfect when we first got here." He poured himself another drink and finished it quickly. I watched him for a second before deciding we weren't going to get anywhere in our conversation while he was like that. I walked in on Edward as he was shrugging on his coat.

"What are you doing?" I asked in a panic.

He just shrugged and shifted his weight awkwardly from foot to foot as he ran his fingers through his shaggy hair. "I should go."

"You should stay." I closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around him.

"Bella, you've made a life for yourself. An actual legitimate grown up life. I haven't done the same. You've already got Jacob to take care of. You don't need me to." I could feel the tears start to sting my eyes. "And what am I supposed to do? Hang out in the bedroom all day so that I don't run the risk of Jacob and I meeting?"

The tears slipped from my eyes but I refused to let him body like a toddler to their mother. I held on to his . I just got him back. I wasn't letting him go without a fight. "We'll figure it out. It's only been one night. Just give it some time. I told you things between me and Jacob... I should as him to leave or maybe I will find a new apartment. We can do it together. It can just be the two of us until we're ready for things to go back to normal. I will-"

"Bella, stop. There is no going back to normal. This is for the best. You should move on from me and from Jacob. You deserve a better life than what either one of us is capable of giving you."

"I don't want that. I want things to go back to the way they were."

Edward pried me off of him and rolled his eyes. "You need to stop thinking about things like that That was 2 years ago. We are all different people since then. You're the only one who has adjusted well. I'm proud of you. And it will kill me to let you go but it's what you need. It's what will be best for you."

"Don't fucking tell me what's best for me!" I shouted at him. "You don't know shit about me!" 

"I can't still read you like a book, baby." Edward said, brushing his fingers through my hair. I swatted his arm away from me. "Being around us two pieces of shit will be toxic. Cut your losses while you can."

"You okay, Bells?" Jacob shouted through the door.

"I'm fine," I said through tears.

"Can we talk now?" he asked as he tried the door handle. Locked.

"Now is not a good time, Jacob."

"We _need _to talk."

"I know! But not now." Edward opened my window and stuck one foot outside. "Please!" I shouted, begging the both of them to listen to me. I was a girl stuck between two boys and I didn't know what to do about it. Jacob got quiet and Edward stayed frozen in place one foot in and one foot out. "Please," I said again softer staring right into Edward's eyes. "You promised! You fucking promised!" I shouted at him as quiet as I could so Jacob wouldn't start again.

"I promised you would see me. And if that's what you want I will. I will come to see you everyday if I have to. But I can't stay. You can't keep my like a pet."

"You're not a pet, you're my best friend."

There was a long pause. "I used to be." I recoiled from his words, they were like a slap in the face. "Shit, I'm sorry," he said climbing back inside. "See this is why I should go. I don't want to hurt you." He cradled my face in his hands and brought our head together. "I can't stand to see you like this."

"Then stay. Stay. Please," I begged. "I don't want to lose you. I don't want to be the girl who was you best friend. I want to be your best friend. I want..." I was selfish, I wanted everything. "Please just stay. Give me a little time. This can work I know it can. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to be alone. I hate being alone."

Another lump formed in my throat as Edward walked back to the window. But he closed it and turned back to me. "You don't have to beg. I have a hard time saying no to you. Always have. Always will."

We lied beside each other on the mattress and cuddled under the blankets. The room had become so cold when Edward held the window open. We were quiet for a really long time before I finally broke the silence. "Why do you want to leave me so bad?"

Edward groaned. "I don't. Believe me. I want to stay here with you forever. But I'm no good."

"Why do you say that? I've known you..."

"You _knew _me," he corrected. "I've done a lot of things that I'm not proud of since the last time I saw you."

"You can't have changed that much. And it can't be that bad." We were silent for a moment. "Talk to me. Tell me about it. No bullshit."

Edward groaned again. "No bullshit," he echoed. He paused a moment. "You'll hate me."

"I did drugs and slept with a stranger as payment. And you didn't judge. And to be honest... after I thought I lost you... I kind of lost my shit again and sort of did something similar." He rolled me onto my side and forced me to face him. "That's why I try so hard to stay clean. It was only a matter of time before..." I trailed off.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Don't be. I did it to myself."

"I wish you could see yourself the way that the world sees you," he says and brushes his fingers thought my hair.

"Like what? I'm just a sad little runaway trying to figure life out."

"No," he said his fingers resting on my chin. "You are kind. You refuse to give up on me and Jacob no matter how much we might deserve it or ask for it. You are a hard worker making this new life work for you. You are strong. You gave up your family and home for this. For boys who don't deserve it." He paused a moment and the pads of his thumbs brushed against my cheek. "You are beautiful and don't even know it. You are so perfect that you've had me and Jacob fighting over you for years."

"Please." I rolled my eyes and pushed him away. "Back then me and Jacob had our thing and you had so many other girls."

"I didn't care about those other girls. I cared about you. I wanted you." His fingers didn't leave my face but he looked away from me.

I stared at him in shock for a few minutes. "Why didn't you ever say anything?" I asked when I finally found my voice.

"You didn't need me. Not like I've always needed you." He met my eyes again and everything fell into place. Our lips crashed together and our hands were all over each other. It was just like it always was for us, nothing else mattered but each other. We couldn't get enough of each other. Neither one of us tried to fight it. For once we didn't think about anything and just let things happen. There was nothing to hold us back.

Our clothes were shed quickly and he hovered over me his lust filled eyes locked on mine. "Please tell me this isn't going to be a mistake," he said as I felt his hardness press against my leg. I didn't answer him, I just took him in my hand and guided him to my opening. He didn't hesitate again as he slowly slipped inside of me. I had slept with Edward before but it was under way different circumstances and in the awkward fumbling way that teenagers who don't really know what they're doing. But this was nothing like that. This was nothing like anything I've ever experienced. Me and Jacob had a good connection, that's why it was easy for us to fall into bed with each other over and over when we were young.

But with Edward it was so different. It had been so long since I had been with someone else that my body was ablaze with anticipation. Jacob knew what I liked and what I wanted. It was easy with it. It was sometimes predictable but always still great. But with Edward, there were no words. It was all so new and so unfamiliar and I loved it. He seemed to know exactly what I wanted without me having to say a word. He knew when I wanted it slow and gentle. And he knew that I liked it hard and fast and a little rough as we continued. He knew just where to put his hands and his mouth. It didn't take long for me to climax. "I love you," he whispered as he reached his peak as well.

I couldn't help but tense at his words. Love. There is was again. I just couldn't escape that word. Jacob couldn't get enough of it. And now Edward. I hadn't been able to say those words to Jacob after years of being together. And now Edward put them out there right away. I was just begging him not to walk away from me and then a few minutes later her was throwing that word around. My stomach twisted into knots. I hadn't intended Edward to mistake my needing him to be around for his friendship for a love like that. This is what drove Jacob and I apart. How does an ordinary girl like me get boys to fall in love so easily? And why could I love them back like they deserved?

We lied in bed together spooning as we tried to catch our breath. "Edward, I-"

"Don't," he stopped me. "Don't say anything yet." He kissed the back of my neck and despite my racing thoughts, feel asleep.

I looked at the time when I woke up and I panicked. I had a shift in an hour. Edward was awake and looking at me. "That wasn't a mistake was it?" he asked softly. His face showed his obvious disappointment.

"No." I shook my head. "I just have a shift. But I'm going to call. I'll tell them I still don't feel well and I'll try to pick up a few extra hours during the week to make up for it."

"Don't. Go to work. I'll be fine."

"I know you'll be fine but will you be here?"

"I promised I wouldn't go until you asked me." There was a short pause. "Do you want to ask me?"

"No."

"Are you sure? I didn't... hurt you?"

"Hurt me?" I raised an eyebrow. "No, not at all." Was he really nervous about having sex with me?

I looked at the time again. "Go," he pushed me out of bed. "Before you're late." 

"You'll be here when I get back, right?" He didn't say anything and he wouldn't look into my eyes. "Edward." I whined, crawling on top of him. "Promise me you'll be here when I get back." I whispered into his ear. "I don't want to lose you again." And still I got no response. I pressed my lips to his and quickly pulled away, forcing him to look into my eyes. "Promise me you'll stay."

He bit his bottom lip and nodded. "Promise." I gave him another quick kiss before running out of the room. As soon as the door shut behind me I leaned against the wall. What was I doing?

He was there when I got home from work.

And he was there every day for the next week. Despite my curiosity he avoided the topic of what happened that night we all left. But we have shared our stories about New York since we've gotten here. Neither one of us had much to tell. We were both just doing what we had to do to survive. Edward had a lot harder of a time with that. He was really hard on himself. But he just said he deserved any and all bad things that happened to him. I did my best to convince him otherwise

He hadn't dropped the dreaded "L" word again. That helped to calm my nerves about it. I was beginning to think it was something he just said in the heat of the moment. Didn't we all say something totally random when we orgasm sometimes? And that was a classic go to for guys. Normal women loved to hear the guy they were sleeping with tell them how much they loved them. It was probably just a reflex. Nothing to worry about. Edward knew me well. He knew I was broken. He knew I was barely capable of loving.

Every minute I was not at work we were spending together. We spent a good amount of our time having sex but there was more too. We spent a lot of time talking and getting to know each other again And somehow we made it work with the boys not seeing each other.

Jacob and I had a few short but awkward conversations. That's all we really had time for. I didn't spend much time away from Edward but those few brief moments Jacob was always there, ready to talk. Things weren't good between us but at least we weren't fighting all the time. We were at least able to remain on nice terms for roommates.

Edward was in the shower while I was cleaning the apartment when Jacob walked through the door. "Do you have a minute?" he asked, not giving me a chance to run away. "We really need to talk. Really talk." I tried to argue but he didn't wait for my answer. "I will make it quick I work in an hour. I miss you."

"You can't miss me. I'm standing right here." I tried to laugh him off. "I'm going to take a shower," I said, turning from him. "I left the water running." He grabbed my arm and held it gently.

"I guess I should have said that I miss us." He looked up to meet my eyes. My heart broke just looking at him. He looked so sad and so defeated. There were tears glistening in his eyes but he refused to let them fall. "I know I made some big mistakes. I know I have to do a lot to make up for that but I want to try. I want you to give me one more chance." A tear did slide down his cheek and I could feel my eyes sting and well up. "I'm one week clean so far," he says and flips a white coin at me. "No drinks. No drugs. I barely even smoke anymore. I've been going to meetings every chance I get. I've also got a new job. A better job. And I'm going. I'm going to start pulling my weight around here. I know it's not much and it's not going to make up for what I've done but I'm trying. I'm not giving up on you. On us."

Again Jacob had shocked me into silence. He grabbed my hand and pulled me into him. His strong hands cradled my face and he brought his forehead to mine. "Please give me one more chance. I promise I won't blow it this time." He brought his lips to mine in a soft kiss. He continued to kiss me, each time getting a little more intense until I was suddenly kissing him back. He knew my body better than any one else. He knew just what to do to get me to respond to him. His lips left mine and he left a trail of kisses down my neck as his warm hands pressed flat against my stomach then slowly snaked up across my ribs and over my breasts. He threw my shirt away and his kisses traveled down my chest and ghosted over my cleavage.

Before things could get any more heated between Jacob and I the shower shut off and broke me out of my trance. If things were as bad between them as they said it was going to get ugly really fast. Especially since they were both apparently maybe kind of a little in love with me and I kind of don't know how I felt about that or them. And me being shirtless isn't going to ease any tension between the two boys, men now, that I was kind of seeing/sleeping with... I don't know what to call it.

I pulled away from Jacob and his eyes grew big as the bathroom door opened. "There's someone... You..." his voice rose in anger and I could see the flip switch in his eyes. He was going into a familiar rage. Then suddenly he took three deep breaths and stopped. "It doesn't matter. He doesn't matter. We are meant to be. You _will _find your way back to me." He said it with such certainty that he almost made me believe it without a second thought. "I meant every word I said. I'm not giving up. I've waited for you this long I can keep going." He kissed me again, this time on the forehead. I took a step back but he took my hands in his. "I love you. I will always love you. Don't forget that. Don't forget anything I've told you. We're not over. We can't be over." I yanked my hands from him and quickly ran down the hallway. I crashed into Edward and forced him back into the bathroom.

"Jacob's home," I said breathlessly.

"Fuck!" Edward cursed quietly. "I guess I've been a little sloppy about checking." I locked the door behind us. "Are we just going to wait him out and hope it doesn't last too long?"

"He said he had to work in an hour. I think we can do it. And if that doesn't work I will force him to go on a tampon run for me or something," I joked. My laugh was weak and nervous. If he knew me as well as he claimed he diffidently would know that something was up. But he didn't call me out on it.

To help pass the time I undressed and showered. I was stupid enough to let my guard down for a moment and let some silent tears fall and mix with the shower water. I was a girl stuck between two boys. I didn't do well with one how the fuck did I think I could handle two?

As if he could sense my unease Edward slipped into the shower with me. He wrapped his arms around me from behind and kissed the back of my neck. I could feel him harden and press into my backside. And despite my inner turmoil my body responded. His right hand slid across my body and spread my legs. He gently massaged my clit as he slid into me from behind. The water ran cold before we were done but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything until we were done. I was a girl stuck between two men and I didn't know what my heart wanted. My body didn't care. My body wanted both. My head wanted both of their friendships. My heart was silent. My heart couldn't make up her mind yet.

The coast was clear, Jacob was gone when I peaked outside. I finished cleaning the apartment while Edward watched a little TV. Since Jacob said he would be at work he took the chance to get out of his bedroom quarantine and enjoy the rest of the apartment. If Jacob came home we would go into panic mode then figure it out. "We're almost out of clean clothes," I commented. "The buildings machines haven't been always working so I'm going to go take them to the place down the street." It was true. We did need clean laundry but I also needed a little unsupervised time to think.

"I'll come with," Edward said, grabbing the overstuffed bag from me. So much for being alone. "We can get it done faster together."

"Thanks," I said following behind him.

Edward wasn't much help with the laundry. He didn't know what he was doing so I either had to stop what I was doing to explain what to do or he was guessing and doing it wrong and I would have to stop and correct him. So I made him sit in the chairs and let me handle it. I didn't sit down beside him until I had all the clothes in the dryer. He spent a long time telling jokes and making me laugh. It was the levity that I needed at that moment. But it ended all too quickly . He grabbed my hand and laced our fingers together. He brought his lips to my hand and kissed "I love your fingers," he said with a smile. I locked eyes with him and returned his smile. "And I love your smile." I couldn't hold back a little giggle. "And I love your laugh." I opened my mouth to speak but he stopped me. "And I love how you're always honest with me. No bullshit." I tucked some hair behind my ear and bit my lip. "I love the way you bite your lip when you're thinking." I instantly stopped. I looked away from him and stared at the cream colored tiles beneath my feet. He's making me nervous. "I love the cute little way that you sigh the moment you fall asleep. I love the way you say my name." My stomach was twisted into knots. "I love how you're perfect."

"Edward, no one's-" But his fingers pressed on my lips and kept me from finishing my argument.

"_You _are perfect," he repeats, grabbing my chin and forcing me to look at him. "I love everything about you." He stopped and sighed heavily, running his fingers through his hair. "And it's all because I love you."

If his eyes hadn't been closed the moment after he said it, he would have seen the look of sheer panic on my face. It was one thing when he said it in the middle of sex in the heat of the moment. I could deny that. But this... I couldn't deny this. He moved his face close to mine and I tried to formulate the words to say... something... anything. I was coming up empty. The loud buzz from the dryer forced me to my feet. "Laundry's done," I announced a little louder and more enthusiastically than I intended. I opened the dryer door and saw the look of disappointment on his face through the glass portal. I wish I could say I was sorry. But I wasn't. Maybe I was. I wasn't sure. I was confused. And he knew my feelings on love. He knew how damaged I was. He knew how hard love was for me. How could I love Edward when I was still in love with Jacob? Or did I not love Jacob anymore? Things were so complicated. I did still love Jacob. Didn't I? How could I not? I was on the verge of accepting his proposal. And his last apology was so sincere and heartfelt. And he was trying. Didn't he deserve a chance? I didn't know. I smacked my head against the door. I was a idiot. "Owww," I whined, massaging my head.

"Let me get it," Edward said softly, his voice flat and emotionless.

"Thank you," I responded, trying to keep my voice equally flat and emotionless. I was so conflicted I didn't know what I was feeling. I didn't know why I was sad? Did I feel sorry for him or myself? I felt like crying but the alarms for the other loads started to go off and I busied myself with that.

After all the clothes were folded to the best of our abilities, what wasn't saying much, we kind of neatly put them back into the bags. He put his hand on the small of my back and lead me outside. Tonight was going to be long and awkward.

There was luckily still no sign of Jacob at the apartment. I didn't know if that was a good thing or bad thing. I didn't know much of anything anymore. I didn't know what else to do so I faked a yawn and stretched. "I'm going to take a nap." I smiled at him and walked to our room. He followed behind me and climbed into bed beside me. I tried to ignore him as he wrapped his arms around me, resting his chin on my shoulder but I couldn't. He was the only thing on my mind. There was no escaping that.

Edward as always could sense my tension. He rubbed my shoulders and neck and tried to do whatever he could to help comfort me "Want to talk about what's bothering you? Is it me? Is it what I said? You don't have to say it back. I just wanted you to know. I wanted you to know how I feel about you. I want you to know how important you are to me. I want you to know that I won't run away again if things start to get rough."

"Thank you," I said with a sigh. I wish that was enough to ease my tension but it wasn't. there was still so much on my mind. "I just want to enjoy some quiet for a little bit." And though he was perfectly still and completely quiet my head was anything but.


	19. 18: Give Me Something

**Chapter 18**  
**Give Me Something I Can't Live Without**

He kissed the top of my head and wiped away my tears. "I'm not rushing you, babe, but I think you've had enough. It's time to go home," he whispers into my ear when the tears finally stopped.

I got to my feet and held out my hand to help him up. "Almost," I said my voice barely above a whisper. He took my hand and I led him between our old houses and back to the old tree house. "It wouldn't be right to leave without saying goodbye to this." I said as I climbed the ladder.

He left me with some space and settled into the opposite corner. He watched me quietly waiting for me to say something. But I didn't have words. I just wanted to say goodbye. To this place. To my childhood. To the memories that haunted me everyday since I've left.

XXXXXX

Two weeks slowly passed. I worked a lot. The rest of my time was spent with Edward. Things were good between us. He saw the fear in my eyes when he professed his love for me and hasn't done it again. Or at least not to my face. I swear that sometimes as I'm drifting off to sleep I hear him whisper it. I was able to help Edward get a job at the coffee shop I worked at. It helped ease some of his frustrations. He wasn't stuck inside the bedroom all the time and when he did go out he actually had some money to spend.

Things between Jacob were I are at a stand still. He seemed to be keeping his word. He left the house to go to work. He handed his first paycheck over to me. I hadn't seen him drink or do any drugs and or have any signs that he is using. I had seen him smoke on occasion, but who am I to judge anyone about that? We had a few short conversations but no more professions of love from him either.

It almost felt like things are back to normal again. I had Edward and I had Jacob. I just had to have them at separate times and not talk about one with the other. So it wasn't really the same at all but it was close enough for me.

I was still just a girl stuck between two boys. I knew I couldn't have them both like that forever but I wanted to enjoy it while it lasted. Every time I thought about what to do I didn't get anywhere. They were my two best friends for almost my entire life. I couldn't chose between them. It would be like cutting off a piece of myself. But I knew at some point I had to do it or risk losing both of them. I wanted to get as much time with both of them as I could and hope that no matter what my choice would be they would be supportive and I wouldn't lose their friendship.

Jacob was working late and it was dark outside, the weather was warmer than it had been so Edward and I were taking advantage. We were out on the balcony enjoying the strand of Christmas lights we just hung up on the rail. We were sitting on the steps cuddled close for some warmth, a blanket draped over us and cups of hot chocolate in our hands as looking at the lights around and below us.

"What do you want for Christmas?" Edward asked.

I took a deep breath. I wanted a normal life. I wanted to be back at home with both boys. I wanted Phil to never rape me. I wanted Edward's dad to have never hurt anyone. I wanted everyone to be happy. What I wanted, I knew I couldn't get. So I just looked at Edward and smiled. "I don't need anything. What do you want?"

There was a short pause where Edward just looked at me intently. "You know what I want," he whispered. I opened my mouth to argue but Edward stopped me with a chaste kiss on the lips. "I don't want to fight about it anymore."

"We don't fight about it." I shrugged my shoulders. "I just... I don't want..."

"What is it about love that scares you so much?" Edward asked, interrupting me.

I froze for a moment to think about it. "I don't think it's love that I'm scared of. I guess I don't know if I believe in true love or not. I've never really seen it or experienced it. My parents were never in love. I guess Charlie tried his hardest to show me what love is but he was... limited. My mom loves to pretend she knows about love but she doesn't. Look at your parents. Love did them real well."

"What about me? Us? Isn't that enough proof for you?"

"We agreed not to fight about this, Edward."

"We're not fighting," he snapped. "I'm just trying to figure this out."

"You're my best friend," I said softly as if that was enough. "What else is there to figure out?"

"Am I kidding myself to think I have a chance with you?" He sighed. "I don't want to give up on us but I don't know how long I can stay here like this. Hiding from Jacob and staying your dirty little secret."

"That's not what this is and this isn't how it's going to stay forever. I know I can't keep this up. But I'm just not ready to give up on both of you yet. I don't think you understand how difficult it is for me to chose between my two best friends."

"You don't have to lose either of us. But you do have to figure out what you want. If you want to stay here with Jacob that's fine. I will respect that decision. But I need to know if I should stay or if I need to go back to my life before all of this."

"What life? Sleeping on the street or in an unlocked church?"

He looked away from me and chewed on his lip. "It wasn't like that at all." He paused for a moment and ran his fingers though his hair. "I had hard times when I got out here. I was in a really bad fucking place. I was ashamed of myself and the things that I had done. I did a lot of things that I'm not proud of. A lot of things I don't remember and even more I wish I could forget. There was a man that reached out to me when I was at my worst. He offered me all the help I needed. I wanted to refuse his help but I couldn't. I knew that if I didn't let him help me that I would be dead sooner rather than later and I kept picturing your face. I always had hope that we would meet again. So I accepted his help. He didn't ask for anything in return. He just helped me get to where I was when you found me. I was just beginning a normal life. I wasn't staying in a church because I had nowhere else to go. I was staying there because that was his home. It was my home." I looked at him in question. A church isn't a home. "I was studying to become a Preacher like he was."

There was a heavy moment of silence between us. It didn't change anything between us but it felt like it did. "Why didn't you tell me?"

He shrugged and ran his fingers though his messy hair. "I didn't know how much you changed. I didn't think you'd understand."

"You're a fucking idiot," I said.

"I know," he responded.

"I didn't ask you to give up your life." I lit a cigarette.

"I know." He nodded. "I didn't plan on giving it up. I still don't know if I have."

"You're leaving?" The words rushed out of me as my body tensed.

"I don't know. Do you want me to?"

"No," I placed my head on his shoulder.

"If you want me to go I will go. If you want me to stay... you know what that means. I'm not giving you an ultimatum or a deadline or anything like that. But you need to figure this out. Then I will go from there."

I released a breath with a thick cloud of smoke. I looked at him and smiled even as a tear fell. "I don't want anyone to get hurt. I don't know what to do. You and Jacob both want the same thing. You both want me to fall madly in love with you and I just don't think I can. I lost any and all hope when Phil... I guess that kind of broke me. I never got to experience young love in the right kind of way because of that. He stole that part from me and I never recovered."

"You don't think you are capable of loving? The girl that sacrificed her life for her friends?"

"That's different. I do love you. Just not in the way you want."

"What's stopping you?"

"If I could love anyone it would be you," I said as looking up into his eyes. "I just don't know if I can do that. I tried with Jacob and I failed. I don't want to hurt you the way that I hurt him and I don't want... You are one of two people that could break my already fragile heart."

"I have no intention of ever breaking your heart"

"People never do," I whispered.

We were quiet for another couple of minutes before Edward finally spoke again. "Lets lighten things up a bit," Edward said with a smile. "Best date you ever went on?"

"Date?" I laughed. "I didn't do a lot of those if you remember. We were more about hanging out and hooking up. But I guess there was that time when Mike Newton took me out for dinner and a movie. It wasn't that great or anything but it was definitely the most normal date that I ever went on if that counts."

"Worst date ever?"

I chewed on my bottom lip as I thought. "That one time that Charlie was somehow able to get me to visit my mother in Phoenix this kid Cameron asked me to a party. I thought a party was what I needed so I went with him. It was us and about 7 other people. I was fine with that because I didn't want to deal with a big crowd anyway. We all got wasted and high and were having a pretty decent time for a little while. Then I went to the bathroom and Cameron and everyone else but one guy left to go to the store. No one told me a thing they just left. I had no idea who this kid was but he kept trying to hook up with me. I thought it was weird of him to hit on his friends date but Cameron also left me so we were a little past weird. When everyone came back a fight started out because his girlfriend was there and accused us of sleeping together while she was gone. She got so mad she bit his nose. Took a big old bite and the tip of his nose was gone. Cameron dragged me and this other kid out of there and the I ride back to my place they both kept trying to convince me that it was somehow my fault and I needed to make it up to them by hooking up."

"I have no words," Edward said with a shake of his head. "She bit his nose off?"

"The very tip of his nose, gone! He was bleeding all over the place but refused to go to the hospital since he was high as fuck. That may be the reason that I never really did the dating thing."

"I am going to have to take you out. You deserve better stories than that."

"I think we are a little past dating aren't we?"

"Never," Edward argued.

"What about you?" I asked. "Give me your best and worst."

"I never dated. I partied and hooked up. There was a girl that I always wanted to ask about but never had the courage to until now. So I am going to have to save my stories for a later day."

"Fine best and worst sex ever?" I asked.

"I've had a lot of bad sex over the years and there was a lot of sex that I was too drunk to remember that could have been awful. And there were a few moments in the past two years that I wish I could forget about and for the time being I am going to. But there is this one time that that sticks out. There was a girl I hooked up with at The Lot once that was so drunk she fucking threw up all over my dick when she was giving me a blow job. That was up there as the worst. The best? I should say any and every time with you."

"Is that the truth?"

He cleared his throat and scratched the back of his neck. "Yes. If I could trade in all my other moments for some extra time with you I would do it in a heartbeat."

"No you wouldn't." I laughed and pushed him. "I know you have a crazy orgy story or something."

"Went to an orgy once, nothing special. A lot of overweight and bored married couples or weird dudes. There were a lot of dudes. Not at all like movies make you think."

"What movies? Porn? Porn is not real life." I laughed. "And I don't know if I should believe you. You have that smirk like you are hiding something from me."

His crooked smile grew wider and he laughed at me. "Your turn. Best and worst."

I couldn't help but tense again. Edward couldn't help but notice. "That was fucking stupid. Of course I know your worst." He wrapped his arms around me.

"I went from my worst to my best," I said softly. "Our first time was the best. I went to the tree house to be alone but like always you just knew I needed you. You were there and you could tell that something was wrong. And as always you knew what I needed before I did. You always did. When you undressed me I was scared just on instinct alone but when I looked into your eyes suddenly everything was okay. And for the first time in a long time I wasn't scared anymore. I thought I could never trust someone again but you showed me the way." I paused for a long time and finished my cigarette, throwing the butt over the balcony.

"I once told you how much I loved the feeling of the wind on my bare skin. It was all because of that night. The way the wind hit my bare skin, it felt amazing. It helped me to feel free again. For months I was scared to be naked. I went days without showering for fear that he would use that as an easy excuse. I wore the same clothes for days to terrified to be undressed, wondering if he knew and he was watching and what it would make him do." My voice cracked as the tears began and I took a moment to calm myself before I could continue. "After Phil I never thought I would be able to be with a man again. But that night in the treehouse, you changed that. You knew what I needed. You did everything so perfectly that I wasn't scared or hesitant at all. I forgot all about the pain and the shame that I felt about my body and sex. You fixed me. And I will forever grateful for that."

We were quiet and still for a long time before Edward spoke. "That was my first time. I was already nervous about that. But then after you told me about Phil... I went into a silent rage in my head. I wanted to murder him. I might have left you and done it if I didn't see the helplessness in your eyes. I knew you couldn't be alone. I just wanted to be there for you and offer you a shoulder to cry on. I didn't think about sex at all until it somehow happened. I was so scared that I would hurt you."

"I don't think you could hurt me even if you tried," I said softly, locking eyes with him. And slowly yet suddenly our lips met and we kissed. We kissed long and we kissed hard. It wasn't long before both of us were anxiously gasping for more.

We climbed back inside the window and I sat on the bed but Edward grabbed my hand and pulled me up to my feet. We kissed as we undressed quickly. "It's too cold to do this outside but maybe this will help," he said as he pushed my chest into the half opened window. The chill of the cold glass against my breasts and the wind rushing in at my body made me shiver but it was in the best way possible. I pressed my hands against the glass and he kissed my neck. I gasped as he entered me quickly and suddenly. A gust of wind blew into the window and across my naked flesh making me shiver and it wasn't from the cold, it was from the pure pleasure of the moment. I loved the feeling of the cold air nipping my warm flesh from the front and Edward's hot body pressed up against me from behind. Though nothing could ever beat our first time together, this might be a very close second. Edward reached around my body and massaged my clit as he pumped hard and fast. It didn't take long for me to reach my climax and he finished right after me.

We collapsed onto the bed and stared into each other's eyes as we panted heavily trying to catch our breath. "I love you," Edward said. This time he didn't look away. He didn't whisper it in hopes I wouldn't hear it. He looked me right in the eyes and said it loud and clear.

"I..." I paused and chewed on my bottom lip. "I don't want to lose you."

He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me in closer to him. "You won't lose me. Even if you don't choose me I'll still be here. I'll be hurt as hell but I'll be here."

We passed around a cigarette and enjoyed a little bit of silence before I finally spoke. "Are you going to go back? Do you still want to finish school and become and Priest or a Pastor or whatever it was?"

He didn't answer right away. "I don't know. At the time it made sense. I would have a job and a home and money. A new start at life. Everything that I was so desperate for back then. I was in a really bad place and David really helped me. I thought that if I became like him I could help people out too. But I would probably be fucking terrible at it."

"Don't sell yourself short," I tried to encourage him. "You could do it. You could do anything. But you'd have to stop swearing so much."

"And they frown upon sex outside of marriage."

"Fuck that!" I shouted loudly. "I couldn't do that."

"I don't think I could give you up," he said as he kissed my shoulder. "I don't think my body will ever want to give you up. But if that's what you decide I will do my best." We were quiet again for a moment. "I thought that becoming a Preacher would help me get over my past. But I don't think I ever will. No matter how hard I try, I can't escape who I am and what I've done. David tried to tell me that the past doesn't matter. That you can overcome anything and always give yourself over to God or whatever. But I don't think that's bullshit. How the fuck can a mess like me try to lead someone on the path of God? There are so many things about me that will never fucking change. I don't know if I'm sorry about half of the shit I've done. I don't want to give up fucking you because someone thinks it's not right. And I know that I can never be forgiven for the things I've done."

"Then I guess I'm a lost cause too."

"No, Bella," Edward argued. "You still have no idea of what I've done. Of who I am, do you?" Edward finally asked.

I just shrugged. "You're my best friend. That's all that matters."

"No." He released a heavy sigh. "I was hoping that I wouldn't have to be the one to tell you. I honestly didn't want you to find out about who I really am. But it's not fair. I can't expect you to chose a life with me if you don't know who the fuck I really am."

"I do know who the fuck you really are. I've known you forever."

There was a long silence as Edward turned his head away from me. His body tensed around me and I could feel his heart begin to race. "I'm a fucking monster. I'm a murder," he said his voice quiet yet rough. A tear slipped from his eyes but he made no move to wipe it away. I tried to comfort him but he pulled away and refused to look at me. "You saw how things started. You saw how it was. And that wasn't even that bad. But something changed inside of me when he threatened you. I went into a silent rage at first. It only built as things went on. I couldn't take it anymore. My father pulled a gun out when I was fighting him. I wanted to take it from him and kill him so bad but while we wrestled for it, it dropped. Jacob picked it up and I begged for him to kill him. But he just stood there with the gun and just stared. He didn't lift it he just held it in his hands and went into a shock. That only made me more angry. My father pulled out a knife and I got it away from him easily. I went for him, I didn't hold anything back. I wanted him dead so fucking bad. I pulled my arm back and I swung that knife, wanting to slice his throat and be done with it. But when I brought my arm down, it wasn't him. It was my mother. She tried to stop me. She pushed him away and stood there wanting to stop me from becoming the monster I really was but... I killed her. I fucking killed her."

I scooted closer to him and tried to wrap my arms around him but he pulled away from me. He moved to the edge of the bed and stared down at the floor while he continued with his story. "When I realized what I had done I dropped the knife and I tried to help her but it was too late. There was no helping her. I dropped the knife and my father came after me. He got me good a few times with the knife," he said pointing to a few scars on his arms and chest. "They blend in with the rest now. But after I watched the life leave my mother's eyes I lost it. It was my fault. I know it was. I had the knife. I am the one who pushed it through her skin. It was all me. But it was because of him. It only hardened my resolve to kill him. I turned to him and I beat him. I didn't stop. He dropped the knife quickly and I didn't get it. I hit him. And I kept hitting him. I didn't stop. I couldn't stop. I was like a wild animal. I lost myself as I beat him. It was just me and all of my rage. I didn't stop until all of my pent up anger was released." He ran his fingers through his messy hair and continued. "There wasn't anything left. I beat him until you couldn't even recognize him. I was covered in blood. My knuckles were cut down to the bone. I looked up and Jacob," he paused as he voice cracked. "He had a look of total fear in his eyes and he finally had the gun raised and aimed right at me. He should have done it. He should have killed me. It's what I deserved." His story was done and he finally took the time to wipe away his snot and tears. "Do you hate me now?" he asked as he finally met me in the eyes again.

"No," I whispered scooting closer to him. "Never."

"You should. You should be scared of me."

"I'm not. I never could be."

"I'm a fucking monster! A fucking murder!"

"No, you aren't," I sat beside him and wrapped my arms around him despite him struggling against me. "You never meant to hurt your mother. She shouldn't have tried to stop you like that. She shouldn't have gotten in the middle..."

"She didn't want her soon to become this fucking monster. She thought she could save me from myself. She was wrong."

"No," I argued. "You are not a monster. Your father deserved it." He sobbed into my shoulder as I gently rubbed his back. I tried to comfort him in every way I could. I comforted him with my words. I hugged him, I kissed him and I rocked him gently in my arms. It took a long time for him to settle down.

"I don't deserve forgiveness," he finally said when he calmed down.

"There is nothing to be forgiven for."

"Bella, if you had only seen it. What I did. Who I was in those moments..." he paused a moment. "Jacob didn't want to fucking shoot the man that tortured us for years. But he was scared enough by me in those moments to consider killing me."

"But he didn't."

"I'm sure he's regretted that since that moment. Especially if he knew how close I was to you."

"Don't be fucking stupid. Everyone knows you would never hurt me. You lost it that one time. That doesn't make it a monster."

"No," he said with a shake of his head. "It's happened a lot. I hurt a lot of fucking people after that night. That's what I'm good at. Hurting people."

"Only one's who deserve it. I'm not scared of you. And you can't convince me that I should be."

"I'm scared that I'm going to hurt you."

"You would never."

"I don't want to. I would never mean to. But sometimes at night I have nightmares..."

"I know you would never hurt me." He opened his mouth to argue again but I stopped him. I brought my lips to his in a soft kiss. I pulled him back into the bed with me. "Now shut up and fuck me." I kissed him again but this time it wasn't soft. It didn't take long for his body to respond to mine. I straddled him and we climaxed together this time. He fell asleep almost instantly. I wanted a few moments to unwind with a cigarette before going to sleep and I didn't want to bother Edward so I quietly got out of bed and threw a T shirt on.

Jacob was sitting at the kitchen table he looked up at me like he had been waiting. I lit a cigarette and sat down beside him. He reached for my hand but slid my hand away from him. He looked at me in shock for a moment then his face fell. "You're finally ready to talk?" I took a long drag of my cigarette and nodded. "I'm not going to like how this goes am I?"

I shook my head. "I think you should move out."

He gasped loudly and then stayed quiet for a full two minutes before finally speaking again. "So that's it. This is over."

"No," I said softly. "I mean our romantic relationship is over, yes. But I don't want to lose your friendship."

"So why kick me out? If you still want to be friends why can't we just stay this way? Be roommates?" I took another long drag from my cigarette trying to find the right way to say it. But I didn't have to. He figured it out all on his own. "It's him, isn't it?" he said, nodding his head down the hallway towards my bedroom. "This new guy your with."

"Yes," I said softly.

"He's moving in?" Jacob said quietly.

"He kind of already has," I admitted.

"Do I get to met him?"

I shook my head. "No, not right now."

"Do you love him?" he asked looking up at me, his eyes glistening with tears and heartbreak.

"I don't know."

There was a long silence as I finished my cigarette. "So this is it. I'll pack my shit and be gone by morning," he said as he stood from the table.

"No," I said quickly standing and grabbing at his arms. "Take your time. Wait until you find a good place on your own. I'm not kicking you out. I just think that we need a little space from each other. We've both done and said things that I'm sure were aren't proud of. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry."

"I'm the one who should be sorry," he said. "If I wasn't such an idiot I would still have you." He brushed his hand through my hair.

"No," I shook my head. "I think that this was going to happen one way or another. We just aren't meant to be. We never were." I watched a tear slip from his eye and I couldn't help but cry too. I wrapped my arms around him in a tight hug.

"There was always a part of me that knew you would never be able to fully give yourself to me. I just thought that we could still work around that. I thought there was hope for us even if you couldn't love me the way I loved you... I thought it would still be enough. But I can see it in your eyes. You did the unthinkable, you've gone and fallen in love." I opened my mouth but he didn't pause to let me speak. "Don't deny it. I waited for years for you to get that starry eyed look for me. But like you said it wasn't meant to be. I just never thought I would see you fall in love with someone else." His voice caught in his throat. "And I didn't think it would hurt me this bad."

"It hurts me pretty bad too." We held onto each other for a long time, still and silent. "Please promise me that this isn't the end. Promise me that just because I can't love you the way you want that I won't lose your friendship too." He broke away from me and nodded before disappearing into his room.

I sat back down at the table and tried to keep myself quiet as my tears turned to a violent sobbing. My choice was made. I wasn't sure if it was the right choice. I wasn't sure if I would regret it and change my mind. But for the moment I had made a choice. And it hurt like hell.


End file.
